Fire Hydrant of Freedom

Politics, Religion, Science, Culture and Humanities => Science, Culture, & Humanities => Topic started by: Crafty_Dog on November 03, 2006, 08:49:09 PM

Title: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 03, 2006, 08:49:09 PM

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway
through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 04, 2006, 11:53:14 AM

http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/red/red_player.html

Unintentional humor :-D

Title: Surviving PMS
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 23, 2006, 05:14:51 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 05, 2006, 11:25:09 PM

Apparently a true story:
==============

Flatulence, not turbulence forces plane landing in Nashville

Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

The plane landed safely. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded to the emergency, Lowrance said.

The passengers and five crew members were brought off the plane, together with all the luggage, to go through security checks again. Bomb-sniffing dogs found spent matches.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor, Lowrance said. The woman lives near Dallas and has a medical condition.

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane.

"American has banned her for a long time," Lowrance said.

She was not charged but could have been. While it is legal to bring as many as four books of paper safety matches onto an aircraft, it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, Lowrance said.

http://www.wbir.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=40210

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 03, 2007, 07:52:39 AM

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a Commercial airplane but
only a High school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly
Routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"

Which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots

Review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that

Ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked

With a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

Engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
never,

Ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding

On something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget
__________________

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: SB_Mig on January 05, 2007, 01:23:05 PM

A friend of mine sent me these and I think most are spot on.

A GUIDE TO DEALING WITH DOORMEN AND BOUNCERS

1. Be nice
2. My name is not “Chief,” “Bro,” “Dude,” or “Buddy”
3. Don’t cut in line. That’s like, 2nd Grade etiquette.
4. If you hand me a fake ID, I will do one of the following: a) take it b) laugh at you c) call the cops d) all of the above
5. If you do hand me a fake ID, make sure the description at least matches you. For example, if you are 5’2” with brown hair and the ID says 5’6” with blonde hair, it won’t work.
6. Be Nice
7. Another word on fake Ids: know the information on them. There is nothing more embarrassing than being asked your date of birth and responding with a blank stare.
8. I’ll know when you are lying about your fake ID.
9. Don’t leave the club alone, come back with two friends, and expect me to not remember you came out alone and weren’t “just in there together”.
10. Just because you have a friend inside doesn’t give you the right to cut to the head of the line. Your friend will still be inside when you’re done waiting in line.
11. Don’t be a b-tch/a-hole (see #’s 1 and 6). There is no better way to guarantee that you will wait outside an extra 1/2 in the cold, even if there is no line. Or better yet, not get in at all.
12. If you insist on being a b-tch/a-hole, don’t be surprised if the first unattractive person that walks up behind you gets let in, regardless of the length of the line. It’s called karma.
13. Don’t call me names if you don’t get your way. I don’t come to your job at McDonalds and call you names.
14. If you insist on calling me names, see #11.
15. Be nice.
16. Knowing the owner, bartender, or doorman is not a free pass to get in. Dating the owner, bartender, or doorman is.
17. Don’t ask for the owner, bartender, or doorman with the intention of getting in. There is a good chance that you are the last person they want to see.
18. Upon being rejected for entry, never ask “Do you know who I am?” Chances are I don’t. There’s a better chance that I don’t care. And there’s an even greater chance that I’ll answer “The annoying a-hole who’s holding up the line?”
19. You didn’t forget your ID, you’re underage and don’t have one.
20. Your foreign driver’s license is invalid in the U.S. Just as my U.S. driver’s license means nothing in Turkmenistan.
21. Legal drinking age is 21. I don’t care what it is in Sweden.
22. If I need to explain things more than 3 times, you’re not getting in.
23. Flirting with the doorman is not a free pass to get in to the club. Offering sex to the doorman to get into the club is just gross.
24. Be nice (are we seeing the pattern yet?)
25. Guess what? You are not the only woman in a short skirt and low cut top I’ve seen tonight. The club is full of them. Back of the line.
26. Regarding boobs. I know what they look like, and yours aren’t all that, no matter what your girlfriends say. And from now on you will be known as “the dumb girl who flashed her boobs trying to get in”. Back of the line.
27. Don’t get drunk and hang all over the doorman. It’s just plain embarrassing for you.
28. If I decide to let you in, don’t go grab “a couple of friends” and come back with ten people. Now you look like the a-hole.
29. Why yes, as a matter of fact, it is cold out here. Try wearing more clothes next time.
30. If you are too drunk to stand, talk, or walk, you’re not getting in the door.
31. If I threaten to call the cops and you say, “Go ahead, call them!”, expect to be wearing handcuffs in the next 10-15 minutes. Cops dislike dealing with drunks even more than doormen.
32. Just because she is a female doorperson does not mean she can’t kick your ass. And probably ALL your buddies as well.
33. Four or more guys will never get into the club as a group. Ever. Period.
34. “Can me and my girlfriends get in?”does not mean “Me and my girlfriends and our boyfriends.”
35. “Wow, that’s a long line!” It sure is. You may want to get in it before it gets longer.
36. The amount of time you spend arguing with me about getting in the club is exactly 1/2 the amount of time I will make you wait for arguing with me to get into the club.
37. Be nice.
38. Don’t start fights. That’s what we live for.
39. Yelling at me from across the street does not make you a tough guy. However, it does give you a running start.
40. “Please”, “Thank you”, and “Excuse me” will get you everywhere.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 09, 2007, 08:09:07 AM

LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch......

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 11, 2007, 03:21:40 PM

From correspondents in Johannesburg
January 09, 2007 10:29am
Article from: Agence France-PresseFont size: + -
Send this article: Print Email
A TRADITIONAL circumcision ceremony in South Africa went awry over the weekend when a policeman had his nose bitten off.

The policeman had tried to put paid to an argument between a man and his family during the ceremony in the Eastern Cape province, when the man attacked him, biting off his nose.

The aggrieved policeman then shot the 30-year-old man in the chest, the SAPA news agency reported.

Both are now recovering in hospital.

Circumcision is a rite of passage for some South African boys who go through a lengthy initiation before undergoing the procedure.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on January 12, 2007, 07:44:56 PM

Gross is when the lion slips you the tongue. Actually I thought lions had very rough tongues that could take your skin off with a lick. No one's goin to mess with this girl:

http://www.local6.com/slideshow/news/10727020/detail.html?qs=;s=7;w=525 :-o

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 05, 2007, 06:15:49 PM

Hillary and Bill were sitting around trying to figure the best way to get her elected President. Hillary suggested that they needed to get in touch with middle America to shed her image as a wealthy snob. They decided to get a Labrador Retriever and get in their car and drive to Iowa. They arrived in a small town in Iowa and spotted a small bar and grill. Hillary said that it would be a great place to meet with some common folk and start working on their image.

They went into the bar with the dog and sat at a booth. The bar tender gave them each a drink and returned to the bar. A minute later, a customer at the bar got up and went outside. After a while a farmer came into the bar looked around, saw them sitting there and approached the table. He didn’t say anything to the Clintons but went over to the dog and lifted his tail and looked at his rear end. He put the tail down and went over to the bar. A few minutes later a second then a third then a fourth farmer came over to their table, lifted the dogs tail and looked at his rear end. Then without saying a word they went over to the bar.

This was too much for the Clintons so Bill went over to the bar and asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said that nothing was going on, just that the farmers had heard that there was a dog in the bar with two assholes.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: SB_Mig on February 05, 2007, 08:34:42 PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 4909 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 22, 2007, 02:18:21 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070221/...aA0VWDCsJH2ocA
Porn DVD screams prompt sword 'rescue'

Wed Feb 21, 12:53 PM ET

OCONOMOWOC, Wis. - A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.
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"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."
According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.
"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"
The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.
The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.
Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.
Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.
"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.
"I had the sword extended. But that was all," he said.
Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.
Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 04, 2007, 11:11:15 PM

Rules of the Air
(from Australian Aviation Magazine)

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back,
they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing
you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after
which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them
yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large
angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes
earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another
airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that
mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows
what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to
fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all
you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at
all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per
hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes
from bad judgment.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to
repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway
behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 10, 2007, 07:06:38 PM

Man saws house in two in divorce split
German man chain saws house in two in divorce split, takes his half
Reuters
Updated: 11:55 a.m. ET March 10, 2007

BERLIN - A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by chain sawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck.

Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said on Friday the trained mason measured the single-story summer house — which was some 8 meters (26 feet) long and 6 meters wide — before chain sawing through the wooden roof and walls.

"The man said he was just taking his due," said a police spokesman. "But I don't think his wife was too pleased."

After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother's house, where he has since been staying.

Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or redistribution of Reuters content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Reuters.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17545638/?GT1=9145

Title: For fans of the movie "300"
Post by: argyll on March 22, 2007, 11:56:47 AM

The PG cut of 300 ... too funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqiSkd1M6k

Best regards,

Argyll

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 24, 2007, 11:23:37 AM

*LBN-COMMENTARY By Joe Queenan: In one of the most depressing pieces of news to come along in years, the organization that presides over high school sports in Washington State is considering a ban on booing at sporting events. That's right, the Washington Interscholastic Activities Association is evaluating guidelines for fan behavior that would not only prohibit offensive chants but would also outlaw booing. The organization is contemplating this measure not just because of concern that fan negativity is discouraging people from taking jobs as referees and coaches, but because, in the words of Mike Colbrese, the association's executive director, the very concept of booing needs to be re-evaluated. "I don't know why people think it's acceptable to boo in the first place," Mr. Colbrese told The Seattle Post-Intelligencer earlier this month. "It's a pretty novel concept to me." As a native of Philadelphia, a municipality whose passion for booing is unrivaled, I greet this news with a mixture of revulsion and dread. Philadelphia, coyly nicknamed the City of Brotherly Love, has a place in the national mythology as a city whose fans once booed Santa Claus at a Philadelphia Eagles game, a city where locals sometimes boo unsatisfactory airplane landings. Philly fans are famous not only for heaping abuse on visiting players, but for displaying even greater viciousness toward the pathetic home team. The idea that these fans might one day be denied the right to bear their fangs at gridiron Iscariots (former Eagles who now play for the despised Dallas Cowboys) or shriek at overpaid, underachieving Phillies (in other words, the team's current left fielder) is too heartbreaking to contemplate.

LBN

Title: Miss Black America
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 28, 2007, 06:03:28 AM

>Subject: Miss Black America Contest
>Date: Fri, 27 Apr 2007 22:20:19 -0500
>
>
Since Don Imus started this, and also in keeping with the spirit of Political correctness, I present the
following to you....
>
There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year because no one wants
to wear the BANNER that says!!

IDAHO

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 03, 2007, 03:29:44 PM

'Goat Man' of Sudan Becomes a 'Widower'

Thursday , May 03, 2007

Charles Tombe just may be the world's most unique widower.

The Sudanese man's bizarre story first came to light more than a year ago when a newspaper in his hometown of Juba reported that he had been caught having sexual relations with... a goat.

Tombe was arrested, and later told a Sudanese judge that he was drunk at the time and didn't realize what he'd done.

The judge, however, relying on tribal law, passed judgment and equated Tombe's crime with that of a man caught sleeping with an unmarried girl, who would be ordered to marry her immediately to protect her honor and that of her family.

The judge, therefore ordered Tombe to pay the owner of the goat — named Rose — a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars (about $50 at the time) — and marry the goat.

Hand-and-hoof, the two returned to Tombe's home.

"The idea was to publicly embarrass the man," says Tom Rhodes, editor of the Juba Post, which first ran the story.

Shortly after Tombe brought Rose back to his Juba home, the black-and-white goat gave birth to a male kid.

Villagers, meanwhile, started calling Tombe "The Goat Man," a title he so loathed that he kept to himself, allowing Rose to roam local streets, where it is believed she ate a plastic bag, choked and died this week.

Unlike the Anna Nicole Smith custody battle, however, there's no controversy involving the "couple's" offspring: Tombe gets to keep the kid.
__________________

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: C-Kumu Dog on May 03, 2007, 07:41:20 PM

OK... thats definitely a WTF?? :?

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 14, 2007, 05:01:13 PM

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3
of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away
all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our
dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About
2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his
father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program
that they 've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to
READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the
dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he
usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he
talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
__________________

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: C-Kumu Dog on May 22, 2007, 02:35:10 PM

Man busted while drunk driving in wheelchair

BERLIN (Reuters) - A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

"He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure."

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.

"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment. It's just not clear yet what exactly that will be."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 28, 2007, 10:24:01 AM

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Tom Stillman on June 05, 2007, 09:32:15 PM

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message..
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list..
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Title: Coming and going at the same time
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 21, 2007, 07:54:08 AM

06/21/2007 09:07 AM ID: 63161

Fornicating Couple Falls off Roof, Both Die

Two South Carolina residents in their early 20's are dead after what police believe may have been a sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. An unwitting cab driver came across the two nude, lifeless bodies at around 5 a.m. Wednesday morning.

Police were summoned immediately, and an investigation began. The bodies were located next to a building, and police began to search the area. A check of the building's roof, some fifty feet off the ground below, revealed the couple's clothes.

Police are still looking into other possibilities, although there is currently no sign of foul play. "It's too early to rule out anything," said Columbia police Sgt. Florence McCants. Their identities have not yet been publicly released.

See http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6c8_1182369141 for the news clip.

S.

Title: Where is?
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 23, 2007, 11:04:52 PM

Most all of us with women in our lives have done it. You can't find
something and what do you do? You ask your wife/significant other! And she
resents it. She gets tired of being asked where everything is. This is so
common a comedienne once mused, "The uterus is not a tracking device!"
For many years I carried this guilt of manhood. I thought, I'm a man, I
can't find anything and I shouldn't expect my wife to know where everything
is. But, admittedly, this still didn't stop the periodic inquiry.
So, the other night a typical scenario ensues and I ask the obligatory
question, "Honey, do you know where my (lost item here) is?" and I get the
obligatory response, "How should I know where your (lost item) is?!!" (This
is sometimes flavored with expletives.)
And then it hit me! Like a bolt out of the blue! That feeling you get when
you discover something so obvious, something that was in front of you the
whole time, but just realize it was there...

"Because you moved it. Because you cleaned and had to put it away. If you'd
just leave things where I put them down then I could find them, but you have
to tuck them in some corner somewhere. That's why I ask you where things
are, because you're the only one that knows where they are."

Oh, all those years of unnecessary guilt.

Title: Re: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Post by: C-Kumu Dog on July 05, 2007, 10:31:06 AM

(http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c357/yhewa_angel/ShowLetter-1.gif)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 06, 2007, 07:18:26 AM

That's a very funny clip.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Maxx on August 03, 2007, 10:32:56 AM

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour.
"Five minutes" is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually
end
in "fine".

4. "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. "Loud Sigh": This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing".)

6. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can
make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard
before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. "Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say
"you're welcome".

8. "Whatever": Is a woman's way of saying "XXXX YOU!"

9. "Don't worry about it, I got it": Another dangerous statement,
meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Title: Top 20 Most Bizarre Experiments
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 31, 2007, 10:10:46 AM

Ran into a pretty wacky website called the "Museum of Hoaxes" that has a list of the top 20 Bizzare Science Experiments, the first two of which I've attached below. The rest can be found here:

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/Top/experiments/

#1: Elephants on Acid
What happens if you give an elephant LSD? On Friday August 3, 1962, a group of Oklahoma City researchers decided to find out.

Warren Thomas, Director of the City Zoo, fired a cartridge-syringe containing 297 milligrams of LSD into Tusko the Elephant's rump. With Thomas were two scientific colleagues from the University of Oklahoma School of Medicine, Louis Jolyon West and Chester M. Pierce.

297 milligrams is a lot of LSD — about 3000 times the level of a typical human dose. In fact, it remains the largest dose of LSD ever given to a living creature. The researchers figured that, if they were going to give an elephant LSD, they better not give him too little.

Thomas, West, and Pierce later explained that the experiment was designed to find out if LSD would induce musth in an elephant — musth being a kind of temporary madness male elephants sometimes experience during which they become highly aggressive and secrete a sticky fluid from their temporal glands. But one suspects a small element of ghoulish curiosity might also have been involved.

Whatever the reason for the experiment, it almost immediately went awry. Tusko reacted to the shot as if a bee had stung him. He trumpeted around his pen for a few minutes, and then keeled over on his side. Horrified, the researchers tried to revive him, but about an hour later he was dead. The three scientists sheepishly concluded that, "It appears that the elephant is highly sensitive to the effects of LSD."

In the years that followed controversy lingered over whether it was the LSD that killed Tusko, or the drugs used to revive him. So twenty years later, Ronald Siegel of UCLA decided to settle the debate by giving two elephants a dose similar to what Tusko received. Reportedly he had to sign an agreement promising to replace the animals in the event of their deaths.

Instead of injecting the elephants with LSD, Siegel mixed the drug into their water, and when it was administered in this way, the elephants not only survived but didn't seem too upset at all. They acted sluggish, rocked back and forth, and made some strange vocalizations such as chirping and squeaking, but within a few hours they were back to normal. However, Siegel noted that the dosage Tusko received may have exceeded some threshold of toxicity, so he couldn't rule out that LSD was the cause of his death. The controversy continues.
Comments (8)

#2: Obedience
Imagine that you've volunteered for an experiment, but when you show up at the lab you discover the researcher wants you to murder an innocent person. You protest, but the researcher firmly states, "The experiment requires that you do it." Would you acquiesce and kill the person?

When asked what they would do in such a situation, almost everyone replies that of course they would refuse to commit murder. But Stanley Milgram's famous obedience experiment, conducted at Yale University in the early 1960s, revealed that this optimistic belief is wrong. If the request is presented in the right way, almost all of us quite obediently become killers.

Milgram told subjects they were participating in an experiment to determine the effect of punishment on learning. One volunteer (who was, in reality, an actor in cahoots with Milgram) would attempt to memorize a series of word pairs. The other volunteer (the real subject) would read out the word pairs and give the learner an electric shock every time he got an answer wrong. The shocks would increase in intensity by fifteen volts with each wrong answer.

The experiment began. The learner started getting some wrong answers, and pretty soon the shocks had reached 120 volts. At this point the learner started crying out, "Hey, this really hurts." At 150 volts the learner screamed in pain and demanded to be let out. Confused, the volunteers turned around and asked the researcher what they should do. He always calmly replied, "The experiment requires that you continue."

Milgram had no interest in the effect of punishment on learning. What he really wanted to see was how long people would keep pressing the shock button before they refused to participate any further. Would they remain obedient to the authority of the researcher up to the point of killing someone?

To Milgram's surprise, even though volunteers could plainly hear the agonized cries of the learner echoing through the walls of the lab from the neighboring room, two-thirds of them continued to press the shock button all the way up to the end of scale, 450 volts, by which time the learner had fallen into an eerie silence, apparently dead. Milgram's subjects sweated and shook, and some laughed hysterically, but they kept pressing the button. Even more disturbingly, when volunteers could neither see nor hear feedback from the learner, compliance with the order to give ever greater shocks was almost 100%.

Milgram later commented, "I would say, on the basis of having observed a thousand people in the experiment and having my own intuition shaped and informed by these experiments, that if a system of death camps were set up in the United States of the sort we had seen in Nazi Germany, one would be able to find sufficient personnel for those camps in any medium-sized American town."

[On YouTube: See scenes from Milgram's obedience experiment.]
Comments (1)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 17, 2007, 11:53:09 AM

An oldie but goodie:

jvs

A young woman was just finishing her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor or redistribution of wealth. She was ashamed that her father was a staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. She felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought was his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4. 0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to mai ntain. Difficult course load, no partying, no boyfriends, and not many friends because of the heavy studying.

Her father asked, "How's your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Barely getting by, she takes easy courses, never studies, goes to all the parties, and missed classes being hung-over, she barely has a 2.0 GPA."

The father says," Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to Audrey, who only has a 2.0, then you both will have a 3.0 GPA, certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of the GPA. The daughter, visibly shocked by the suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked my tail off to get my good grades and Audrey has done next to nothing to get hers!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and gently said,"Welcome to the Republican Party"

Title: Buy Belgium on eBay?
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on September 18, 2007, 08:48:39 AM

Someone Tries to Sell Belgium on eBay

Sep 18 10:23 AM US/Eastern
By PAUL AMES
Associated Press Writer


BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) - Hidden among the porcelain fox hounds and Burberry tablecloths on sale at eBay.be this week was an unusual item: "For Sale: Belgium, a Kingdom in three parts ... free premium: the king and his court (costs not included)."
The odd ad was posted by one disgruntled Belgian in protest at his country's political crisis which reached a 100-day landmark Tuesday with no end in sight to the squabbling between Flemish and Walloon politicians.

"I wanted to attract attention," said Gerrit Six, the teacher and former journalist who posted the ad. "You almost have to throw rock through a window to get attention for Belgium."

Six placed the advertisement on Saturday, offering free delivery, but pointing out that the country was coming secondhand and that potential buyers would have to take on over $300 billion (euro220 billion) in national debt.

Like many of Belgium's 10 million citizens, Six is exasperated that the power struggle between the county's French- or Dutch-speaking political parties has left Belgium in political limbo since June 10 elections.

Demands for more autonomy from the Dutch-speaking Flemish are resisted by the French-speaking Walloons, making it impossible to form a government coalition and triggering concern the kingdom is on the verge of a breakup.

Six decided to vent his frustration through the Internet ad.

"My proposal was to make it clear that Belgium was valuable, it's a masterpiece and we have to keep it," he told Associated Press Television News. "It's my country and I'm taking care of it, and with me are millions of Belgians."

Six' idea got a mixed reaction on the streets of Brussels.

"Very funny, typical Belgian humor," said Anne Graux. "It's ridiculous," snapped Nathalie Ginot, a Brussels resident who had her own pragmatic solution to Belgium's woes. "We think it would be good to split Belgium into the three and make Brussels a tax-haven, a capital exempt from all taxes," she said hopefully.

Six vaunted Belgium's attractions to potential buyers from art nouveau architecture to the headquarters of NATO and the European Union and some great beers. But he also warned of the pitfalls of taking on the cacophonous mix of Flemish nationalists, Walloon Socialists and the mayors of all 19 Brussels' boroughs.

EBay was happy to take Six' advertisement.

"It was a really fun listing made by a Belgian," Peter Burin, PR manager of eBay Belgium. "This person, in a very funny way, reminded the Belgians what a great country Belgium actually is and it would be a shame to sell it."

However, the company decided to pull the add Tuesday after receiving a bid of euro10 million ($14 million)

"We decided to take it down, just to avoid confusion," he told APTN.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 25, 2007, 03:33:36 PM

Bad Day

I rear ended a car this morning...

I knew It was going to be a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am not Happy'.

I said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

That's when the fight started!!!

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: bjung on October 04, 2007, 11:12:37 AM

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/02/onion.karate/index.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 10, 2007, 08:57:50 AM

A drunken man, stinking of beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained and loose, his collar was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty gin bottle was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and slurred, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, my son. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh, God, no! I don't have it, Father! But, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 30, 2007, 01:24:37 PM

Why Men don't write Advice Columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. U of Santa Clarita, CA

---------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. U:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Mad Scientist on January 24, 2008, 05:35:25 PM

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Mad Scientist on January 25, 2008, 12:35:28 PM

Guy walks into a bar, totally pissed off, and announces to the whole place "Lawyers are ASSHOLES!!". Some guy stands up in the back and says "Hey!". "O geez what are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I'm an asshole!"

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 28, 2008, 02:15:00 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.'
__________________

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Mad Scientist on January 29, 2008, 07:12:07 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Mad Scientist on January 31, 2008, 06:34:30 AM

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Title: Redneck and the Game Warden
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 05, 2008, 10:17:10 PM

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee with two ice chests
full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as most government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 19, 2008, 09:03:04 AM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four
hour, surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir, I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vital signs from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment & sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds it in one hand and carefully takes his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a
close look & gently replaces his gown & bedding. "There's nothing
wrong with them, sir."
With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was really wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely.

ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: pretty_kitty on February 19, 2008, 06:44:36 PM

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch; a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch' bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result, the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: pretty_kitty on February 29, 2008, 10:09:41 AM

http://www.maniacworld.com/frozen-in-grand-central-station.html

This is a prank on a "grand" scale. Over 200 people gathered at Grand Central Station in New York to pull off a 'frozen in place' act.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 10, 2008, 08:14:21 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Title: Ted Kennedy
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 22, 2008, 08:22:09 AM

HELLO, SENATOR KENNEDY

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 28, 2008, 02:30:57 PM

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Title: Was it a tight fit?
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 06, 2008, 12:26:03 PM

Philadelphia Inquirer

April 23, 2008

MOORESTOWN, NJ – A South Jersey police officer, in jail after being accused of molesting three children, was charged yesterday with four counts of animal cruelty for having sex with barnyard animals, authorities said.

Patrolman Robert Melia, 38, was suspended last week by the Moorestown Police department after authorities raided his Moorestown home and seized a computer and pornographic materials.

The animal cruelty charges were filed after an examination of the seized materials, authorities said.

An investigation is continuing. Police said they were investigating four incidents involving cows.

Moorestown, NJ, Patrolman Robert Melia has been charged with having sex with cows.
Melia and Pemberton filmmaker Heather Lewis, 32, were charged April 13 with the sexual assaults of three girls at Melia’s house. The assaults occured on multiple occasions during the last five years, said a spokesman for the Burlington County Prosecutor’s office said.

Melia is being held on $510,000 bail at the Burlington County Jail in Mount Holly. Lewis, who is charged with aggravated sexual assault and criminal sexual contact, is being held on $300,000 bail at the Women’s Detention Center in Pemberton.

(c) 2008 YellowBrix, Inc.

Title: Soak the Rich
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 07, 2008, 11:07:34 AM

from a US newspaper (1936)…

Soak the Rich

Father, must I go to work?
No! No! my darling son,
We’re living now on Easy Street
With funds from Washington

We're cared for now by Uncle Sam,
So don't get exercised;
We do not need to care a damn
Because we're subsidized.

But, dad, if he's going to treat us well
and give us all milk and honey,
Please tell me truly, where the hell
He's going to get the money?

Don't worry, child, there is no hitch
about this glorious plan --
He'll get the money from the rich
To help the common man.

But, dad, won't there come a time
if we take all their cash
and they are left without a dime,
when things will go to smash?

Son, you need a lot of seasoning,
you nosey little brat,
you do too damn much reasoning
to be a Democrat.
==================

I Want to be a Consumer

"And what do you mean to be?"
The kind old Bishop said
As he took the boy on his ample knee
And patted his curly head.
"We should all of us choose a calling
To help Society's plan;
Then what do you mean to be, my boy,
When you grow to be a man?"

"I want to be a Consumer,"
The bright-haired lad replied
As he gazed up into the Bishop's face
In innocence open-eyed.
"I've never had aims of a selfish sort,
For that, as I know, is wrong.
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help the world along.

"I want to be a consumer
And work both night and day,
For that is the thing that's needed most,
I've heard Economists say,
I won't just be a Producer,
Like Bobby and James and John;
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help the nation on."

"But what do you want to be?"
The Bishop said again,
"For we all of us have to work," said he,
"As must, I think, be plain.
Are you thinking of studying medicine
Or taking a Bar exam?"
"Why, no!" the bright-haired lad replied
As he helped himself to jam.

"I want to be a Consumer
And live in a useful way;
For that is the thing that's need most,
I've heard Economists say.
There are too many people working
And too many things are made.
I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And help to further Trade.

"I want to be a Consumer
And do my duty well;
For that is the thing that's needed most,
I've heard Economists tell.
I've made up my mind," the lad was heard,
As he lit a cigar, to say;
"I want to be a Consumer, Sir,
And I want to begin today."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: SB_Mig on June 23, 2008, 09:32:14 AM

RIP George Carlin....

One of the first stand up comedians I ever saw (at the age of 10) and who influenced my sense of humor tremendously.

NSFW links (with bad language, of course)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBxzvSbGJ2w&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ4SSvVbhLw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk&feature=related

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: lockjaw on July 08, 2008, 08:32:17 AM

My new gym. (Give it a minute.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPsDDr0n9AE

Title: Steven Wright
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 18, 2008, 04:48:37 PM

Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
=================
2008 Darwin Awards

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Too good not to share:

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.... Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at
the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'.

Title: Biden his Time
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 20, 2008, 01:03:34 PM

Biden Prepares 50,000-Word Acceptance Speech

Senator to Address Convention on Wednesday, Thursday

In an indication that he expects to be Barack Obama's vice-presidential pick, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) has begun writing a 50,000-word acceptance speech, aides to the senator confirmed today.

The address, which Mr. Biden has been working on around the clock, is an abridged version of a 200,000-word acceptance speech that Mr. Biden wrote when he ran for President in 1988.

According to those familiar with the speech, if Mr. Biden is tapped as Mr. Obama's vice presidential choice the Delaware senator would begin delivering the speech on Wednesday night of the Democratic convention and conclude it on Thursday night.

Representatives of television news divisions said they were undecided as to how to cover the Biden speech, but none were willing to commit to covering the speech live in its entirety.

"We may wind up airing some of it on CNBC or maybe the USA Network, and then cut away to something else," said Carol Foyler on NBC News. "We're basically going to treat it like the hammer throw."

Mr. Biden, who was accused of plagiarizing a speech by a British politician when he ran for President in 1988, is unlikely to get caught doing that this time, according to one aide: "If there are some plagiarized bits in this speech, he'll stick them at the end after the audience has lost consciousness."

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

Title: Sez it All, Al
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 25, 2008, 02:49:32 PM

Overheard at the DNC: Sharpton on the Constitution
David Weigel | August 25, 2008, 4:59pm
At the DNC. Rev. Al Sharpton, rushing from point A to point B, gets waylaid by a reason staffer. Another person horns in, and the following fragmented exchange occurs:

Fan: Reverend, Reverend! Can you sign my pocket Constitution?

Sharpton: (distracted) I won’t sign anything I haven’t read.

Sharpton rushes off, leaving a disappointed autograph seeker in his wake.

http://www.reason.com/convention2008/show/128261.html

Title: Hadron Collider Resource
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on September 10, 2008, 05:59:09 PM

The following link leads to a tool that assists in reporting on the safety status of the Hadron Collider:

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/

Title: California
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 08, 2008, 12:48:06 PM

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house..

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower..

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or Ipods.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 18, 2008, 05:30:53 PM

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=HA1JK-oGo4M

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 19, 2008, 09:55:38 AM

Whoa. Think Arjan Chai would kick my butt if I hung it out that far.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 19, 2008, 05:43:43 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Title: Smells Like Murderous Thuggery
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 21, 2008, 05:58:55 AM

I Love the Smell of Murderous Thuggery in the Evening

Radley Balko | November 20, 2008, 10:10pm

Legendary high-end Paris candle-maker Cire Trudon introduces "Ernesto," for those of you who want to fill your home with the scent of a sweaty, murdering Latin revolutionary:

(http://www.reason.com/UserFiles/Image/rbalko/checandle.jpg)

In a hotel of Havana, sizzling under the stubborn sun of the Revolution, fierce overtones of leather and tobacco meddle with waxy silence of wood. Breaking out of the cool dimness, sly grimaces emerge, framed by the smoke of cigars and the barrels of guns.

Please note, this scent isn't for the proletariat. This particular block of paraffin infused with the scent of glorious Marxist uprising will set you back a cool $75 for 9.5 ounces. ¡Hasta la Victoria Siempre!

http://www.reason.com/blog/printer/130198.html

Thanks to Jim McCarthy for the link.

BBG edits to add: reminds me of the new t-shirt in my dresser drawer:

(http://image.spreadshirt.com/image-server/image/composition/1315934/view/1/type/png/width/280/height/280)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 21, 2008, 12:37:30 PM

MUST, , , HAVE , , , THAT , , , SHIRT!!! URL please?

Title: People's Cube
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 21, 2008, 01:33:39 PM

The Peoples Cube, dude. Lotsa shirts you'll like there:

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/

All the shirts:

https://13695.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/Designs/

The one in question:

https://13695.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/Index/design/design/Che-Is-Dead---Get-Over-It-2937011

Title: Halal Ham?
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 23, 2008, 11:24:38 AM

Muslim illegals trying to sneak into Britain in a ham lorry

By Vincent Moss Political Editor, sundaymirror.co.uk 23/11/2008

Five Iraqi Muslims whose religion forbids them from contact with pork were caught trying to sneak illegally into Britain - in a lorryload of ham.

Uk Border Agency officers searched the truck and found the gang hiding inside among tons of the meat.

The Polish-registered lorry, bound for Haverhill in Suffolk, was stopped at the French port of Calais.

The five were detained and handed to the French immigration authorities.

The attempt, last Wednesday, was all the more bizarre because Muslims are banned from eating or touching ham.

A uk Border Agency spokeswoman said: "We use heartbeat and breath detectors, sniffer dogs and visual searches to find illegal immigrants. A million lorries were searched last year"

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2008/11/23/muslim-illegals-trying-to-sneak-into-britain-in-a-ham-lorry-115875-20918983/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 23, 2008, 04:19:02 PM

My title for the piece: "Pigs bust Muslims in ham lorry".

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: G M on November 23, 2008, 06:18:33 PM

Imagine the screams if they'd been forced to ride in a ham truck. At least one embassy would have been burned down. :roll:

Title: Caution: rated R
Post by: ccp on November 24, 2008, 01:40:58 PM

spread the wealth:

http://forthardknox.com/2008/11/20/spread-the-wealth-pencil-sharpener/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 04, 2008, 09:05:49 AM

http://www.watoday.com.au/national/storm-in-a-ccup--130000-boobs-lost-at-sea-20081202-6pa5.html

Storm in a C-cup - 130,000 boobs lost at sea
December 2, 2008 - 9:34AM

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia. Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue.

The cargo is worth about $200,000, which is another blow for publisher ACP's parent company PBL, which is already in $4.3 billion of debt. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said. Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine.

``Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are,'' Pintado said.

``If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.''

AAP

Title: Golfer heroes
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 10, 2008, 04:58:30 PM

Notice the age of the defenders of justice.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Life of Reilly

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Rick Reilly
ESPN The Magazine

We golfers are sick of all you Americans who call us useless Crisco butts wearing clothing salvaged from a Sherwin-Williams paint factory explosion. To you, we offer The Fab Foursome.

These four golfers not only fought off an armed robber, they chased him down in a golf cart and held him for police. And all without resorting to a single Big Bertha!

OK, true, the assailant was wearing underpants on his head. And, yes, the weapon was only a kitchen knife. And yes, he did move at the speed of Willard Scott on stilts, but what did you expect? We did say the guy got caught by golfers.

It all happened on Monday, Nov. 24, at around 4 p.m. at the Central Valley Golf Course in Salt Lake City. A, ahem, brief summary:

Scott Flick, 34, an assistant golf pro, was alone in the shop when, according to the charges, Barry Kramer, 48, entered wearing a pair of brown men's tighties on his head and carrying a 10-inch kitchen knife in his fist. Seeing nobody behind the cash register, he surprised Flick in his office and said, "Money!"

Then Flick said something very clever, which was: "Are you kidding me?!" Question No. 1: Why was the man wearing underpants on his head? A: Perhaps he planned to take the money and launder it.

Question No. 2: Was the color of the underpants originally brown or were they … A: "No," answers Flick. "They were not stained from the day before."

The point is, this man, who Flick thought outweighed him by 70 pounds, aimed to give Flick a slice that no lesson could cure. He thrust the knife at Flick's bellybutton, menacingly. "People ask me why I didn't just do what he wanted," recalls Flick, "but I was trapped in that office. I really felt threatened."

Surveillance cameras caught Flick grabbing the man's arms and shoving them above his head. The knife caught Flick's ear. Now it was Van Gogh time, pal. Flick wrestled the assailant out of the office, into a supply closet—carving up his own hand along the way—and hip-checked him into a shelf, breaking the knife off at the handle.

Finding himself at a golf course without a shank, the assailant fled, with Flick following him as he called 911. "I didn't even know my ear was cut until I looked at my phone and saw all the blood."

At that instant, three golfers were coming in from their round. Flick saw them and hollered, "Get this guy! He tried to rob me! I'm cut!"

Library custodian Bob Brewer, 58, spun the cart around in hot pursuit, with his friend, real-estate agent Reed Madsen, 57, sprinting behind. Next on the Golf Channel: America's Most Unforgettable Cart Chases!

In the parking lot, the third buddy—groundskeeper Gary Itow, 58—gave chase, too, a golf shoe on his right foot, a running shoe on his left, neither of them tied. "The guy still had the underwear on his head," Itow remembers. "He looked like maybe he was having trouble seeing."

Robbery 101: Leghole faces out.

As the assailant ran across the driving range, Brewer ran the nose of the cart into the back of his calves, felling him on the spot. He then jumped out and, along with his two buddies, stomped him flat while Itow kicked the knife handle out of his hand. A passing golfer came over offering aspirin. He thought the robber was having a heart attack. When they told him the man was actually a knife-waving maniac, the Good Samaritan moved away quickly. Exactly, son. Leave this to the experts.

Question No. 3: Did guys try to hit Bob's cart with seven-iron shots as he drove across the practice range? A: Surprisingly, no.

Police charged Kramer with aggravated robbery. And it turns out this may have been No. 2 for the Underpants Robber. A week before, a knife-wielding man walked into a suburban Salt Lake City pro shop with men's undergarments on his head and tried to rob it. Detectives for both cases say it's "possible" the cases are linked. (OK, so they're not exactly Scotland Yard.)

Rightly, the Fab Foursome is being hailed as heroes. Flick got 10 stitches in his right hand and a bonus which was way more than the nearly $200 in the register. For their courage, Flick gave the three buddies a free round of golf.

As for those three, they get out of their cart now with a certain bounce, according to Itow. "We say stuff to each other like, 'Go ahead, punk. Make my putt."

And get this: Hollywood executives have approached them about starring in a new TV series—CSI: Pro Shop. Question No. 4: Did you make that one up? A: Yes.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Doppelgangster on December 11, 2008, 09:46:25 PM

Quote from: Crafty_Dog on November 03, 2006, 08:49:09 PM

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway
through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you
think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A hilot healer comes to mind...

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 12, 2008, 08:55:09 AM

For those wondering what he is talking about, he is making a reference to a joke I tell at the beginning of "Combining Stick & Footwork".

Title: A Whore on Whorehouses in Wan Defense of Virginity
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 13, 2008, 09:18:55 AM

I grew up in Illinois and remember well the period of time when Democrats in the House of Representative were stonewalling to prevent the investigation of Rostenkowski's (or Rottenkowski, as we called him back then) money laundering through the House Post Office. To now have this bozo write a semi-literate, self-aggrandizing, self-pitying circular snivel inspires a major bout of cognitive dissonance on my end.

In Defense of Chicago Politics
by Dan Rostenkowski
December 12, 2008 | 1:00pm

Dan Rostenkowski, the son of a ward boss who became a legendary congressman, on why Gov. Blagojevich shouldn't tar a whole city.

During my career as a public official, I always tried to steer away from the minority of my colleagues who viewed public service as a potential commercial enterprise. They’ve always been there and can be found in state capitols and in Washington.

Springfield, Illinois, is no exception, though I’d also argue that it is hardly unique. When I was in the Illinois General Assembly during the 1950s, I rejected an offer that would have given me a sweetheart stock deal in return for voting to support an expansion of the horseracing season.

I suspect such offers are still being made today. And I wouldn’t be surprised if some politicians found them attractive.
It is painful to recall my situation and, on a personal level, I can sympathize with the pain the governor’s family must feel and can uniquely understand their concerns about what comes next.

At the acme of my career, when I chaired the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes tax policy, I struggled successfully to restrain myself when a colleague suggested moving forward legislation he thought it would enhance our ability to raising money from oil interests. But such improper suggestions were more likely to come from outside lobbyists than from other elected officials.

As a politician who more than a decade ago was disciplined for breaking the rules, I’m still uncomfortable writing about it. It continues to overshadow the positive things I did, including a lonely battle to write and enact tax reform in l986. Apparently bad news trumps.

Similarly, the current story about one apparently corrupt Illinois politician is used to tar the reputation of all those who serve our state, despite the fact that most do so with distinction.
It is painful to recall my situation and, on a personal level, I can sympathize with the pain the governor’s family must feel and can uniquely understand their concerns about what comes next.

But I find his reported behavior troubling. There’s a big difference between running a sloppy office and staging a personally-beneficial auction to make policy and personnel decisions. That’s what disturbs the public. It bothers me, too.

It would be a mistake, though, to conclude that Chicago or Illinois produced a disproportionate share of bad apples. They’re present in both parties whenever opportunity appears.
And while they tarnish the reputation of the entire political profession, there’s little evidence suggesting the small minority involved is any larger than it is among doctors, lawyers or corporate executives. In each field, honesty and integrity are the norms. In each, a small number stray, some seriously. Cynics who see corruption as pervasive in politics are wrong.
As Nancy Reagan might put it, the correct response is to simply say no and to stay away from situations that threaten to compromise personal integrity.

Nonetheless, the temptations keep coming and at least a small percentage of politicians give in to them. A smaller group apparently actively seeks them out. As a rule, they’re as crude and inept as they are subversive of the public interest, so most are quickly caught.

Minimizing the problem is a continuing challenge. We need to reassure the public that such behavior is viewed as unacceptably out of bounds by the majority of politicians, who are trying to create a better country despite the lack of any consensus about how precisely to achieve that goal.

Many of my political colleagues are very wary of purists who resist the inevitable need to compromise and settle for half a loaf—or even a few slices—of what they construe as progress. But there’s a big difference forging a political compromise, which is part of the job, and running an auction where the highest bidder wins, which is wrong. Most politicians know the difference.

The few who don’t stain the reputations of the majority who know better.

Our focus on today’s scandal should not distract us from the positive role Illinois has had. in presidential contests, including this year’s. Abraham Lincoln’s record remains exemplary. I’ve always also thought of Ronald Reagan, who I both collaborated with and confronted—depending on the issue—as a son of Illinois. After all, he was born and educated here and California never robbed him of some basic Midwestern values—like straight talk and a willingness to split the difference with the other side and acknowledge that a modest victory was preferable to a principled, but uncompromising stand that precluded any progress.

For Illinois politicians, this is both the best of the times and the worse of times. For Americans, the election of a new president with the potential to change things for the better should—and soon will, I hope, overshadow the tainted debate about his senate successor.

Dan Rostenkowski served as U.S. Congressman from Illinois from 1959 to 1995.

URL: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2008-12-12/in-defense-of-chicago-politics/p/

Title: LOLFED! (lolcats for the fed)
Post by: rachelg on December 17, 2008, 06:50:00 PM

http://lolfed.com/

(http://lolfed.com/wp-content/uploads/benny-bucks.jpg)

Here’s a possible, more interesting outcome from today’s Federal Reserve announcement. The rate cut thing is getting a little played out; what if Bernanke decides he might like to issue his own debt?

[The Federal Reserve is] asking Congress about permission to issue their own debt directly, not tied to Treasuries.

This is known in central banking circles as ‘cutting out the middleman.’ Not only does the Treasury no longer issue the currency, but they also no longer have any control over how much debt backed currency the Fed can now issue directly.

If the Fed were able to issue its own debt, which is currently limited to Federal Reserve Notes backed by Treasuries under the Federal Reserve Act, it would provide Bernanke the ability to present a different class of debt to the investing public and foreign central banks.

Title: Drunk Driver Sues Person she Rear Ended
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 18, 2008, 10:52:20 AM

Time to start a chutzpah thread?

Judge's daughter sues driver she ran into during crash
By BRIAN ROGERS Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle
Dec. 18, 2008, 7:42AM

Nick de la Torre HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Elizabeth Shelton, shown with her father, juvenile court Judge Pat Shelton, had a blood alcohol concentration more than three times the legal limit when the SUV she was driving rear-ended a truck, killing her boyfriend.

Convicted last year of intoxication manslaughter for the death of her boyfriend, the 21-year-old daughter of a state district judge is suing the truck driver she ran into during a drunken driving crash.

Elizabeth Shelton, the daughter of juvenile judge Pat Shelton, is accusing truck driver Lance Bennett of negligence in the Oct. 23, 2007, wreck that killed her boyfriend Matthew McNiece.

Shelton had a blood alcohol concentration more than three times the legal limit, two tests showed. She was sentenced to eight years' probation and had to serve four months in jail.
Shelton, her family and the family of the boyfriend who was killed are suing for $20,000 for the destruction of the Lexus SUV she was driving and an undetermined amount for mental anguish, pain and suffering.

Bennett was driving the box truck that Shelton rear-ended on the Southwest Freeway near Kirby around 2 a.m.

Bennett's attorney, John Havins, said the lawsuit, filed in October, was the last chance to make a claim before the statute of limitations ran out.

He noted that Shelton named 16 defendants, including insurance companies and banks. "They're just throwing everything against the wall to see if anything sticks," Havins said.
During Shelton's trial, an expert for the defense testified there was evidence that Bennett swerved into Shelton's lane. An expert for the prosecution, however, said there wasn't evidence that Bennett got in her way.

Testimony also showed that the company Bennett was working for let the insurance on the truck lapse.

"The injuries and property damage sustained by (Shelton and her family) were not the result of intentional acts, but were accidental and caused by the negligence of the uninsured/underinsured driver," Shelton's attorney Mark Sandoval wrote in the lawsuit.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6170554.html

Title: Warped Roommate Wanted Ad
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 18, 2008, 05:32:36 PM

Second post.

A purported Craigslist roommate wanted ad:

Hello,
I am seeking out a roommate. I’ve had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find “the perfect housemate.” I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I’ve realised that life is much better when it’s shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It’s just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I’m no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn’t make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I’d need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I’d prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs’ possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it’s inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you’ll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irritate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can’t handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you’d like to share lyrics, I’d be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you’d like to avoid, by all means let me know and I’ll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it’s filthy teeth. (Believe me, I’ve had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you’d like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I’ve tried this with housemates who’ve promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That’s the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name

2. Occupation

3. Age

4. Allergies

5. Favourite author

Cheers!

Title: Spoofing Speed Cameras
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 22, 2008, 06:52:22 AM

WEB EXCLUSIVE -- Local teens claim pranks on county's Speed Cams
By Joe Slaninka
Special to the Sentinel

As a prank, students from local high schools have been taking advantage of the county's Speed Camera Program in order to exact revenge on people who they believe have wronged them in the past, including other students and even teachers.

Students from Richard Montgomery High School dubbed the prank the Speed Camera "Pimping" game, according to a parent of a student enrolled at one of the high schools.
Originating from Wootton High School, the parent said, students duplicate the license plates by printing plate numbers on glossy photo paper, using fonts from certain websites that "mimic" those on Maryland license plates. They tape the duplicate plate over the existing plate on the back of their car and purposefully speed through a speed camera, the parent said. The victim then receives a citation in the mail days later.

Students are even obtaining vehicles from their friends that are similar or identical to the make and model of the car owned by the targeted victim, according to the parent.
"This game is very disturbing," the parent said. "Especially since unsuspecting parents will also be victimized through receipt of unwarranted photo speed tickets.

The parent said that "our civil rights are exploited," and the entire premise behind the Speed Camera Program is called into question as a result of the growing this fad among students.
The Speed Camera Program was implemented in March of this year and used for the purpose of reducing traffic and pedestrian collisions in the county. Cameras are located in residential areas and school zones where the posted speed limit is 35 miles per hour or lower. A $40 citation is mailed to the owner of the car for violating the speed limit in these areas.
The Montgomery County Police said they have not seen or heard of this prank occurring but said they will keep an eye out for people committing the crime.

"I hope the public at large will complain loudly enough that local Montgomery County government officials will change their policy of using these cameras for monetary gain," the parent said. "The practice of sending speeding tickets to faceless recipients without any type of verification is unwarranted and an exploitation of our rights."

Edward Owusu, Assistant Principal at Wootton High School, said that he heard of local students pulling the prank when the school received a call from a parent informing them of its occurrence. "I have not heard of this happening among students at Wootton," Osuwu said. "It is unfortunate that kids have a lot of time on their hands that they can think of doing such a thing."

Montgomery County Council President Phil Andrews said that the issue is troubling in several respects. "I am concerned that someone could get hurt, first of all, because they are speeding in areas where they know speeding is a problem," he said.

Andrews also said that this could hurt the integrity of the Speed Camera Program. "It will cause potential problems for the Speed Camera Program in terms of the confidence in it," he said.
He said he is glad someone caught it before it becomes more widespread and he said he hopes that the word get out to the people participating in this that there will be consequences.

http://www.thesentinel.com/302730670790449.php

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: DougMacG on December 22, 2008, 04:10:48 PM

This could have gone under media matters or topics on the new administration, but I'll put it under humor because it is fiction/prediction.

Following link is a good spoof of the NY Times from NEXT July 4 reporting on the Obama world that we live in.

http://www.nytimes-se.com/

A few of the stories:

Iraq War Ends
*
World »
o Last to Die in Battle Remembered, American and Iraqi
o United Nations Unanimously Passes Weapons Ban
o Court Indicts Bush on High Treason Charge
*
U.S. »
o Education Department Plans National Tax Base for Schools
o Crumbling Infrastructure Brings Opportunities
o National Health Insurance Act Passes

*
Business »
o Maximum Wage Law Passes Congress
o Harvard Will Shut Business School Doors
o Senate Gets Tough On “Limited Liability” to Rein in, Humanize Corporations
o Biofuels Ban Act Signed Into Law, Seeks to Ease Food Shortage

*
Opinion »
o Fog of Peace
o Public Health Opportunities in Cuba

Health »
o National Health Insurance Act Passes
o Pharmaceutical Law Revised to End Corruption
*
Education »
o Education Department Plans National Tax Base for Schools
o All Public Universities To Be Free

Title: World Orgasm Day Cancelled
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 24, 2008, 07:24:14 PM

Tel Aviv, Israel: UFO cult's 'World Orgasm Day' orgy cancelled due to threats
25-12-2008

Israel: UFO cult's 'World Orgasm Day' orgy cancelled due to threats.

The Israeli branch of the UFO centred movement known as the Raelians was planning something special to commemorate ‘World Orgasm Day’, a huge orgy in downtown Tel Aviv, the largest city in Israel. The event was going to attract at least 250 participants of all sexual orientations: Straight, bisexual, gay and lesbian and was meant to make a powerful and highly relevant statement in this most troubled part of the world: that it is far better to make love rather than war. Sadly however the organisers have been forced to cancel this year’s event due to numerous violent threats made towards both the movement and the venue. The threats are believed to come from ultra-orthodox Jews who feel such celebrations violate the sanctity of the Holy Land and go against the morality of Judaism.
‘The purpose of the event was to try and bring world peace through mass orgasm, this by experiencing consensual sex and natural, uninterrupted pleasure. It was important to make love without feeling guilty or shy' commented Kobi Drori, the head of the Raelians in Israel.

Drori also complained about the fact that nowadays the words war violence and murder are considered OK but not the words love and sex. ‘It should be the other way around. Several years ago an Iraqi boy whose limbs were amputated was shown on TV and everybody treated this as if it was okay, but when Janet Jackson exposed her breast during the Superbowl the American nation was appalled’ continued Drori.

A very attractive 22 year old woman who identified herself as 'Yael' was dissapointed that the orgy was called off. 'Raelian belief makes sense, and I was looking forward to participate in this event in an uninhibited way, this is what we were created for, and the fanatics will not hold us back forever.'

The Raelians are known for their liberal attitudes towards sexuality. They believe that mankind was created by aliens who arrived here thousands of years ago in UFOs. Despite their opposition to Biblical attitudes towards sex they see the Bible as a book that bears witness to ancient alien visitors, and place particular emphasis on the Book of Ezekiel, which they see as an ancient account of a UFO visitation.

http://www.allnewsweb.com/page1231231.php

Title: Moonlighting
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 27, 2008, 08:41:58 AM

"What are you doing here?": man asks wife at brothel
Wed Jan 9, 2008 10:23am EST Email | Print | Share | Reprints | Single Page [-] Text

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees.

Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

"I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming," the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.

The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported.

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSL0910395120080109

Title: This Bailout takes Balls
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 07, 2009, 11:41:37 AM

It's Getting Hard for the Porn Industry
Radley Balko | January 7, 2009, 11:32am
TMZ reports that porn moguls Joe Francis and Larry Flynt are asking the government for a $5 billion bailout, citing a 22 percent drop in DVD sales last year.

I'd guess that has more to do with the abundance of free porn on the Internet than the credit crunch.

In any case, I will now take this opportunity to open the comments section to bad puns incorporating pornography and Congressional bailouts.

http://www.reason.com/blog/show/130933.html

Title: Playmobil 'Get Your Package Patted' Play Station
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 09, 2009, 12:19:44 PM

So a company is selling this toy through Amazon:

(http://www.reason.com/UserFiles/Image/rbalko/tsaplayset.jpg)

The Amazon reviews are a hoot, including:


12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:
Changed My Life, August 10, 2008
By    prd "noname" (Poulsbo, WA) - See all my reviews
Durability: Fun: Educational:
I will never need to buy toothpaste again thanks to Playmobil. Not realizing this was a toy I purchased it to prepare for my interview as a TSA agent. Needless to say I aced it and have been happily viewing xrays of carry-on luggage and shoes ever since. As noted above, the free toothpaste is just icing on the cake - never expected a free lifetime supply, but who's complaining. This is a "must-have" for any aspiring TSA agent out there.
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34 of 37 people found the following review helpful:
Great at teaching the youngsters how to behave in a police state, March 15, 2008
By    Gwen P. (Douglassville, PA, USA) - See all my reviews
What better way to teach the next generation how to behave in a police state then with a toy such as this? I'm really hoping that they come out with a toy in which the kids can play "interregator". Think of all the fun the little folks can have waterboarding those who "hate our freedom".
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21 of 23 people found the following review helpful:
Ministry of Truth scores a big one!, March 14, 2008
By    Delia (Eugene, OR) - See all my reviews
Wow! So much better than playing school or house for brainwashing---I mean, acclimatizing today's tots to the realities of the Global War on Terror. I especially appreciated the enclosed signed photo of Michael Chertoff and his letter explaining how necessary it is to start educating today's youth early with toys like these, especially as their elders just don't seem to be taking the whole thing seriously, what with posting snarky reviews on Amazon and all, and it's going to take a while to get KBR's re-education camps in Nevada up and running properly. I know my little four year-old grandson was really impressed with this set. He's now so scared it's undone a whole year of potty training and he's now wetting his pants about five times a day. He's back to playing with his old set of wooden blocks Melissa and Doug 100 Piece Wood Blocks Set and crying "Make the bad man stop, Mommy!" Last week he saw Mr. Chertoff talking about terrorists on his parents' fancy new plasma TV and he threw first the Playmobil set, which didn't do much damage, and then the wooden blocks, at the TV, which cracked the screen. His dad, who worked at Countrywide Finance, was just laid off, so it looks like they won't be getting a replacement plasma TV. I'm taking the broken TV, the Playmobil set, and the photo of Michael Chertoff to the toxic waste dump tomorrow. I have an old black and white set and pair of rabbit ears in my attic which I will loan them. Perhaps it's better this way.
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22 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
Holding out for Guantanemo Playset, March 14, 2008
By    Ann, a reader "Ann, a fan." (NY) - See all my reviews
This is just a sop to the authoritarians among us. I am holding out for the release of the Guantanemo Playset. Hopefully this will come with an extrordinary rendition option.
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A hole slew of comment here:

http://www.amazon.com/review/product/B0002CYTL2/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_1?_encoding=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on January 10, 2009, 07:36:06 AM

Patient walks into doctors office and complains of constipation. "I can't go to the bathroom and my stools are hard as rocks." "Doctor what do you think?"
Doctor: "tough shit".

Title: The 2012 Pelosi GTxi SS/RT Sport Edition
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 13, 2009, 04:06:44 PM

Be the first member of your collective to own one!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY[/youtube]

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 13, 2009, 06:07:20 PM

URL please?

Title: Tap Twice
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 13, 2009, 06:48:44 PM

Double click on the image and it will open in You Tube with the URL.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 13, 2009, 09:35:57 PM

Duh. :oops:

Title: Look Ma, No Pants!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 14, 2009, 02:56:25 PM

Annual NY subway no pants ride:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9La40WwO-lU&eurl=http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/Undeground-Pants-Down.html[/youtube]

Title: Baby Drops a Dime on Dad
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 21, 2009, 06:34:31 PM

Baby Accidentally Dials 911, Leads To Arrest Of Father

January 21, 2009 1:25 p.m. EST

AHN Staff
White Rock, British Columbia (AHN) - A 29-year old Canadian man was arrested by police after his 11-month old son accidentally pressed 911 on a mobile phone the man gave his baby to play with.

After the 911 operator failed to talk to the caller, the operator traced the call to White Rock and contacted the Royal Canadian Mounted Police about the incident. The Mounties went to the house.

The door was opened by the man, who was surprised by the officers. Upon the suggestion of the Mounties they checked how the call was made and discovered the baby playing with his father's cellphone, according to White Rock RCMP Const. Janelle Canning.

The officers then made a routine inspection of the house and were surprised to discover 500 marijuana plants in the vicinity. The police officers immediately arrested the father, who will be charged with production of a controlled substance and mischief.

The Minister of Children and Family Development took custody of the baby, but eventually turned him over to his mother who had a different residence and was unaware of her ex-husband's unusual garden varieties.

http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7013789024

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 21, 2009, 07:04:29 PM

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle
By Ian Sparks

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own 'clinically depressed' pet dog.
The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog - which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making 'vicious, unprovoked attacks', Chirac's wife Bernadette said. Former French President Jacques Chirac pictured in his car with his pet, Sumo, the white Maltese Poodle (file photo). The president has been bitten by his dog. The former president, who ruled France for 12 years until 2007, was taken to hospital in Paris where he was treated as an outpatient and sent home, VSD magazine reported.

Mrs Chirac said: 'The dog went for him for no apparent reason. We were already aware the animal was unpredictable and is actually being treated with pills for depression. My husband was bitten quite badly, but he is certain to make a full recovery over the coming weeks.'

The former French First Lady did not reveal where on his body Chirac was bitten.

The pet, named after the Japanese form of wrestling, was a gift to the Chiracs from their grandson Martin.
Recent polls have shown that since leaving office Chirac is now regarded as one of the most popular politicians in France, liked by 70 per cent of people. In the last days of his presidency, he was much less popular, liked by just 50 per cent of the population.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1126136/Former-French-President-Chirac-hospitalised-mauling-clinically-depressed-poodle.html?ITO=1490

Title: The Idiossey
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 22, 2009, 10:58:25 AM

Okay, so I have waded through Homer and have a pretty warped sense of humor, but this had me cackling pretty good. Perhaps best viewed in the original as it has a lot of poetic formatting that doesn't paste very well:

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2009/01/the-idiossey.html

The Idiossey
The Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles
Revised and Updated

(with Apologies to Homer)

Book the First: A question for the Muse

Speak to me, O Muse, of this resourceful man
who strides so boldly upon the golden shrine of Potomac,
Between Ionic plywood columns, to the kleig light altar.
Fair Obamacles, favored of the gods, ascends to Olympus
Amidst lusty tributes and the strumming lyres of Media;
Their mounted skyboxes echo with the singing of his name
While Olbermos and Mattheus in their greasy togas wrassle
For first honor of basking in their hero's reflected glory.
Who is this man, so bronzed in countenance,
So skilled of TelePrompter, clean and articulate
whose ears like a stately urn's protrude?
So now, daughter of Zeus, tell us his story.
And just the Cliff Notes if you don't mind,
We don't have all day.

Said the Muse:

I will tell the story of Obamacles through my scribe Iowahawk.
But this poem is copyrighted, so reproduce at your peril.

Book the Second: Obamacles Meets the Oracle of Doritos

From the land of Kenya beyond Nile, came Obamacles the Elder
To the grad school at Oahu, where Ann of Kansas bore him a son.
It would prove to be a hassle, thus he left his baby's mama,
who then won favor with Soertoro, who brought them to his far-off island nest.
Young Obamacles was growing, and they shipped him back to Gramma,
And the prep school on Oahu. There he trained and studied boldly,
Drinking beer and smoking weed: Maui Wowie, paca lolo, sensimilla,
blunts and chiva, Thai and chronic, just enough to hone his mellow,
in the back of Kyle's TransAm, a line or two of coke on weekends.

In his mellow young Obamacles beheld a vision in the salty snacks at Safeway;
There the Oracle of Doritos bade him:

"Travel the seas to the East, fair Obamacles, for this is where your fortune lies.
But beware, that way bodes peril if thou are not pure of image and smooth of delivery.
Seek first the masters of Occidental College, who will train you in the philosophers of Po-Mo."

Replied young Obamacles,

"Accidental college heh heh heh heh Accidental moxidental taxidental heh heh,"

And Kyle is like,

"Dude you're totally talking to the Doritos. That is totally bonus."

Book the Third: Obamacles dazzles the masters at the Agora

After Obamacles had completed the perilous sea voyage to LAX and retrieved his bag from the carousel,
He entered the agora of Occidental, where wily Obamacles dazzled the masters with recitations:
Fanon, Menchu, Zinn and Chomsky, Saul Alinsky, Eldridge Cleaver, Kurtis Blow.
After two years his masters said,

"fair Obamacles, we can teach you no more, for your bullshit has surpassed even ours.
Hie thee now to the Isle of Manhattus, where in the agora at Columbius
you may study a bullshit so deep and complex and angry it is beyond our philosophies."

Yet bold Obamacles was equal to the challenge. "Give us your thesis," said the masters at Columbius,
and Obamacles conjured a mighty paper on Soviet disarmament, double-spaced and expertly margined.
Its beauty was such that the masters wept, and laid a baccalaureate wreath upon him;
But the masters ordered the beautiful thesis destroyed that so no mortal would again read it.

Then one day at the Duane Reade on West 123rd, the Oracle of Doritos appeared to him again:

"You have passed your first test, brave Obamacles, but the peril is yet beginning.
For now you must travel west to Chicago, the dreaded Isle of Monsters;
And become yourself a community organizer."

To which Obamacles replied, "I really should cut down on the ganja."

Book the Fourth: Obamacles meets the Jeremiad of Chicago

When Obamacles reached the shores of Chicago, he saw no monsters;
Yet its bone-strewn sands announced a land of many unseen dangers.
And though he be clever, Obamacles did not understand his task,
set before him by the Oracle; perhaps it was a riddle?
"Community organizer?" he wondered, "What the fuck is that?"
And yet he pushed from house to house, offering to organize the people,
But lo, the Southside people shunned him, slamming doors and mocking sad Obamacles.

"O people of Chicago, why do you shun me so?" he lamented.
"I have a bachelor's degree and I am here to organize you."
And then Obamacles heard from behind a voice of such fury and anger
that he was frozen in fear for the very first time.
It was the Jeremiad, the fire-breathing Monster of the Pulpit, who roared:

"You stupid ass foo, it because you white!"

Now, it was known to Obamacles that the Jeremiad had forbade white men from the Southside.
What Obamacles did not know is that the Jeremiad also decided who was a white man.
Although his own hue was darker still than the Jeremiad, he was too clever to argue with the Monster;
Instead he said:

"You are right, fearsome Jeremiad; I am sadly white. And only your magic, my lord,
can relieve me of my accursed paleness. Cure me, that I may join with the sun people."

The Jeremiad was astonished by the boldness of Obamacles and his clever flattery. He said:

"You have much bravery for a white man, Obamacles. But to become an authentic brother,
you must prove your worthiness in the torments of the pews."

Hour after hour, Sunday after Sunday, year after year, Obamacles stood before Jeremiad
And the other monsters of the pulpit, Phlegeron and Mekus, withstanding their bellows of fire,
Never blinking or flinching, and seldom falling asleep.
the Jeremiad was pleased and and absolved Obamacles of his whiteness,
and allowing him to finally organize the community.
Which turned out to be a system for getting money for the Jeremiad.

One day at the Co-op in Hyde Park the Oracle appeared again to Obamacles from an end-aisle display:

"You have done well, young wayfarer, but further torments lurk in thy destiny.
Prepare at Kaplan for thy LSATs, for the abyss of uselessness at Harvard Law awaits.
And then must you return to Chicago to conquer the legion of monsters."

Book the Fifth: Obamacles and Victimia

Having withstood the scorching blasts of the monster Jeremiad at Chicago,
Harvard Law proved no challenge for our hero; he was named beloved of the faculty,
For at the Isle of Harvard they eat that "community organizer" shit right up.
He returned to the Isle of Chicago with his magic Harvard talisman,
Small of heft but able to open any door.

Here he met Victimia, a long and lanky beauty, whose siren songs of woe bewitched;
They were wed in the screaming gardens of Jeremiad.
"O Victimia," he sang, "if I could but bottle thy sob stories, the world would be ours."
"Yes, Obamacles beloved," replied she, "but first let me help you conquer Chicago."

The monsters of Chicago were helpless against the duet's laments and dirges;
Like a moth to a flame they proved irresistible, and the strange mutant beasts
of this Isle of the Damned soon were transfixed by their enchantments:

Ayres, the decrepit conjurer of fireballs;
his wife Doron, worshipper of murderers;
Rezko, Philistine Lord of the Pits of Slumos;
Giannoulis, Bagman of the Mafios;
Blago, Governor of the Underworld of Illinus,
And all of the monsters of the Pulpit from Jeremiad to Pherekon.

Obamacles had conquered all of the Chicagomon, even Daleos the little retard king,
Without once unsheathing his sword; such was his charm.
The monsters realized Obamacles was the perfect front man for federal funding scams,
And thus showered our hero with tributes and contributions,
Elevating him to Vicelord of the Chicagomon.

Thus exalted did Obamacles train his gaze on the mounts of Tribune and Suntimus,
and WGN and WLS and NBC 5, whose anchors splooged in simultaneous ecstasy
At his gleaming incisors and crossover appeal. Together they swore
their undying liege and to crush all obstacles in his path.
By acclamation he was sent as Chicago's emissary to Senatus.

Book the Sixth: The Rage of Hildusa

In Senatus, Obamacles laid beside the reflecting pool while a coterie of Media fed him grapes.
Again the Oracle appeared to him, this time in the form of a taco salad; it said,

"You have done well, hale Obamacles, but your torments are not yet complete.
The toughest test of all awaits, and may the gods have mercy on your soul."

"Do your worst, Doritos," he laughed, "for I am Obamacles,
Lord of Illinus, who single handedly conquered the LSATs
and disarmed the Chicagomon. What task would you possibly fear me with?"

"You are to led the Demos back to the White Temple, by vanquishing Hildusa."

At the sound of Hildusa's name even brave Obamacles was driven to wet his toga,
For Hildusa, cuckolder of Bubba, was the mightiest of all the gorgons.
From her head grew a writhing nest of asps, and the mere sight of her cankles
Would turn a man to stone. Some said she came from Lesbos
But others said her only pleasure was torment and sucking the marrow from her victim's bones.
Around her at all times was a phalanx guard of mincing eunuchs,
led by Ickis, Wolfsonis, Blumenthalis and Pennis. At her side, an angry force
of menopausal PUMAs ready to strike on her command -- for the children.

But Obamacles was only momentarily dissuaded from his task,
for he knew the people of Demos longed to return to the White Temple,
where they had been banished by the idiot emperor Chimpos II.
Although the Demos knew that Chimpos was the stupidest person in the world,
and they were the smartest, they had somehow been unable to defeat him.
Obamacles seized his opportunity. On the Isle of Demos, and said:

"Citizens of Demos, I am Obamacles of Illinus. I will lead you
from the wilderness back to the White Temple."

Dispite his gleaming smile the agora laughed at the stranger's folly.
"Fool, our leader is Hildusa," they mocked. "What chance stands a handsome
newcomer like you against the mightiest of the gorgons?"

"For one, I will conjure our Spartans back from Babylonia," said Obamacles.
"Hilldusa voted with Chimpos. I say it is time to begin the war to end this war."

The words of Obamacles created a murmur in the agora, for on Demos the people
wished the Spartans home from war, to face trial for war crimes or be caged as madmen
Like in the many tragedies at the Demos Odeon Octoplex.

"We are with you, Obamacles," came the shout of a man, who was turned to marble
and struck by lightning before his words could be completed. Obamacles had stoked
the terrible rath of the gorgon Hildusa, and the battle was joined.

Book the Seventh: The Battle for Demos

All the torments suffered by Obamacles had steeled him for this epic test.
The cliffs of Demos resounded with the approaching screeches of Hildusa
And her army of soul-eating Morpheons, spinning and faxing and conjuring position papers.
But Obamacles was unmoved, and with his right hand summoned
the Subterranean Creepos of the Nutroots to do his bidding,
Kos and Ariana and Demos Underground.
Hildusa was enraged for she thought them allies, and shot them the stink-eye.
"Destroy Obamacles!" she bellowed at her Eunuchs,
But they were retards and got busted for DUI on the chariot ride over.
Then Obamacles shot the arrow of Iowa across abyss of Dukakis,
striking Hildusa true in her cankles, no more to freeze men to stone,
And all of Demos roared approval.

"Citizens of Demos," screamed the hobbled gorgon, "fair Obamacles is not what he appears!
Look, behind him! A phalanx of Chicagomon, the demons from the pits of Illinus!"

When the Demos people saw the Chicagomon they shrugged,
but Obamacles was taking no chances for the general battle;
He had no more further use for the Chicagomon and thus he summoned
Underbus, the destroyer of memes. One by one he disposed them,
The Jeremiad and Phlegeron and Ayres, all sacrificed to Underbus.
When Hildusa saw this her eyes boiled with rage,
and she summoned her Amazon Pumas
But they were too fat and old and employed
to battle the snarky college assholes in official Obamacles tunics.

At last Hildusa summoned Bubba, who in principle was her husband.
Though the mightiest god of Demos, he trembled before her gaze;
For once she saved his sacred bacon, but yet had him castrated and banished.
"Destroy! Destroy! Destoy!" she bellowed, handing Bubba sharpened talking points,
But Obamacles would not yield, and from beneath his tunic
withdrew his razor-sharpened race card, filleting Bubba into tiny pieces.

The crowd at Demos was breathless, hardly believing their eyes.
And then winged Media lifted Obamacles across the abyss to where Hildusa
lay supine and helpless, and, grabbing her by the asps,
took one more mighty swing with his race card,
and held her severed head before the cheering crowd.

All of Demos sang in praise, even the severed head of Hildusa
as he paraded it around the stage at Invescos
and banked it off the glass for three points.
But yet, as he exited the stage amid the cries of the rapture,
The Doritos called once more from the Table of Catering:

"Beware, fair Hero, for one last task awaits thee."

Book the Eighth: The Contest of November

"Who dares challenge me now?" asked Obamacles. "For I am Obacles,
vanquisher of Hildusa, of whom all of Demos sing;
Make him the mightiest, so that I might find him worthy."

"Your foe will be the grizzled warrior Crustius," said the Doritos,
As Obamacles laughed in disbelief; for though brave Crustius
had once proved great valor in the tragic war of Namos,
He had grown old and addled sailing the Sea of Maverikus.
In years a full score he sailed, seeking the fabled Microphone of Media,
Only to crash on its shoals, lured to doom by the flattery of the Sirens.

"Be not hasty in thy hubris, Obamacles," warned the Doritos.
"Although he is old and stranded and beset by mutineers,
grizzled Crustius is far craftier than in your imaginings."

True to the prophesy of the Doritos, wily Crustius had a secret trick up his toga.
From his rock-strewn shipwreck he summoned Palina, huntress of Wasilla,
Whose fertile loins had many odd-named children bore,
Bristol and Trig, Dakota and Algebra, Calculus and Physed,
And yet she retained the visage and figure of a goddess.

Palina emerged from the sea, springing fully formed from a clamshell,
Brandishing the spear that had slain a thousand antlered beasts.
Once mutinous, the Crustonauts were instantly heartened,
For now they and sensed a chance at victory.

Although his pollsters warned of danger, Obamacles was stalwart
For he knew just how he got here. "Attack," he beckoned very calmly,
And from across the land of Soros, a thousand score of demons answered;
HuffPo nutjobs, New York Kronos, the shrieking hags of talk TV,
Couric, Fey, Oprah, Behar, the hermaphrodites of NBC.

Palina was undaunted by the minions and thus she battled gamely on.
But at last she was attacked by Crustius himself;
For so addled and contrary was the wizened sailor
That he had forgotten which side he was on.
Vanquished Palina returned to Wasilla to fight another day,
While Crustius sails again, forever seeking the elusive Sirens of Media.

Book the Ninth: Obamacles Ascends to Olympus

Now behold him, brave Obamacles,
Who strides triumphant down Pennsylvania Avenue,
With Victimia at his side in a gown of golden brocade,
Hewn from the finest hotel draperies.
Behold his ascent to the marble dais to swear his oath,
Which Justice Roberts flubs; so dazzled is he
by our hero's pure magnificence.

And behold the crowd whose number has grown to a million,
Mocking limping Chimpos as he flees to Brazos exile,
Tossing their sandals at his edifice, only to stop to hail the conquering hero.

"All hail Obamacles!" they cry, "Master of Bullshit,
Vicelord of the Chicagomon, Slayer of Hildusa,
Vanquisher of Palina. You are our new and shiny hope,
a true god amongst mortals."

And yet once more the Oracle appears to Obamacles,
At the Inauguration Bacchanal, brought to you by Doritos.

"What now?" said Obamacles, irked at Oracle's salty impertinence
and the interruption of his famous pop 'n' lock. "For I have conquered
all, and there is no challenger left in all the Beltway."

The Oracle spoke out from the depths of the guacamole:

"I bid thee welcome to the White House
where your true test now begins:

Markets deaf to happy buzzwords
Blind to Shepard Fairey's art,
Heeding laws of economics,
Not the wishful laws of man;

A world of of evil filled with monsters,
who are unmoved by flowery talk,
Invulnerable to race cards
or leftwing blogger insults,
Who Hope for Change in megatons.

Do not despair! For look before you,
The noble army who brought you here:
Thespians and hiphop moguls,
Graphic artists, hipster twats,
The academic scribes of Athens,
basic cable sycophants.

These are the arrows in your quiver,
for the coming epic tests;
Use them well, but first remember:
They're waiting on those magic tricks.

Good luck with that, well-spoken hero,
I think I'll grab a snack and watch."

Obamacles look out onto his drooling throngs, and wept;
for then he realized then may be things even gods can't do.

Is this man hewn from Olympus,
Sent by Zeus to save our souls?
Or a plastic dashboard Jesus
In a car he can't control?

Will this Adonis save the planet?
Or is he fleecing golden sheep?
Ask another Muse tomorrow,
Hell if I know, it's all Greek to me.

Burma Shave

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 22, 2009, 12:27:39 PM

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Title: Capt. Obvious
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 23, 2009, 09:59:26 PM

Captain Obvious says , , ,

http://www.bluelinecomics.com/Captain%20Obvious.html

Title: Green Teeth
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 25, 2009, 09:29:57 AM

Woman bites driver over non-hybrid bus

BY SERGEY KADINSKY AND CARRIE MELAGO
DAILY NEWS WRITERS

Updated Friday, January 23rd 2009, 3:07 PM

Going green was a cause she could really sink her teeth into.

The frantic passenger who bit a veteran driver's arm was upset that his bus wasn't a hybrid, he said Thursday.

"She came on the bus, and she said she waited more than an hour for a hybrid," said MTA driver Peter Williams, 42. "I said, 'I'm not in control of what bus is assigned to me.'"

Williams, a dad of two who is in the Navy Reserves, plans to take a little time off after Wednesday's bizarre attack on an uptown M104 bus.

The woman, Shelia Bolar, 49, started hollering at Williams soon after she boarded the Broadway bus on the upper West Side.

When her rant was done, she she grabbed his arm.

"Miss, don't touch me while I'm operating the bus," Williams warned Bolar.

At W. 79th St., Williams let passengers off and gestured to a dispatcher he called for help.

"That's when she bit me. ... I couldn't believe it."

Bolar chomped through a jacket, a sweater and a thick shirt, causing a bruise and swelling but not breaking skin.

"She bit through all that," said Williams, still shocked.

And then she fled - but cops nabbed her blocks away. Bolar, who faces assault charges was held without bail, pending a psychiatric exam.

Williams was released from St. Luke's Hospital and plans to return to work soon. "I hope it doesn't happen again," he said.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2009/01/22/2009-01-22_woman_bites_driver_over_nonhybrid_bus.html

Title: Bestial Boner
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 26, 2009, 09:13:06 AM

A FIESTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 26, 2009, 10:26:03 AM

:-o :-o :-o

One suspects copious amounts of vodka were involved here , , ,

Title: Took the Fall, 120 Times
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 26, 2009, 06:11:02 PM

I think carbon credits are supposed to work in the same way.

Garage Owner Jailed After Taking Blame for 120 Speeding Tickets in Exchange for Cash
By Charlotte CardinghamPublished on 26 Jan 2009 RSS Feed

It's believed that he earned upwards of £24,000 through his scam.

Abdul Musa, a garage owner from Blackburn, Lancashire, today begins a 16 month stretch in jail after police discovered he was getting paid to take the blame for other people’s speeding offences.

According to reports he charged customers £200 a time for his ‘services’, admitting to authorities that he had been driving a car when it got caught on camera. With his service proving particularly popular with local taxi drivers it is believed that he made upwards of £24,000.

It is though that he falsely accepted responsibility for at least 120 speeding tickets over a 4 year period. However, Musa was only charged on 13 counts of perverting the course of justice after police found evidence of just five £60 fixed penalty notices, seven notices of intended prosecutions and one notice of court proceedings when they searched his home.

Musa, who is currently without a valid driving licence, managed to evade suspicion for such a long time by repeatedly changing the spelling of his name and flouting regulations that mean authorities only have 6 months to resolve speeding offences.

Eventually, however, the unusually large number of penalty notices being sent to his home was noticed and police began an investigation.

Ironically, while 11 of Musa’s customers were also charged with perverting the course of justice and ordered to do community service, few would have been subject to such a penalty had they accepted the speeding fine themselves. In fact, the vast majority of those who paid Musa to accept guilt on their behalf were driving at less than 10 mph over the limit when they were caught – an infringement that would have simply carried three points on their licence and a £60 fine.

"The remarkable thing about this case is that the drivers went to great lengths to avoid points on a driving licence even though many had no points or any previous dealing with the criminal justice system." said Judge Pamela Badley on sentencing.

"It goes to show that when temptation is put before someone to break the rules, they can go ahead without thinking of the consequences."

http://www.money.co.uk/article/1002627-garage-owner-jailed-after-taking-blame-for-120-speeding-tickets-in-exchange-for-cash.htm

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on January 30, 2009, 07:44:55 AM

Elderly patient Mabel walks in and I notice her birthday is 12/12. So I said, hey your birthday is the same as Abraham Lincoln's.

She says yes.

They call me "honest Mabe".

True story.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 03, 2009, 09:12:07 AM

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart, real bad.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on February 03, 2009, 11:39:47 AM

I'm surprised the people on the bus weren't clapping and foot tapping to the beat. :-D

Title: Cardboard Cops
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 04, 2009, 06:16:56 PM

Wow, much of the stuff coming out of the UK inspires some serious head shaking. Work out the math compared to the commercial cost listed at the end of the article.

Police spend £20,000 on cardboard officers
Police forces have spent more than £20,000 on cardboard cut-outs of uniformed officers designed to confuse criminals.

By David Barrett, Home Affairs Correspondent
Last Updated: 4:25PM GMT 03 Feb 2009

Cardboard cut-out of a policeman used to help deter shoplifters Photo: PA
It was billed as the latest police tactic to combat crime and now the idea has taken off nationwide.
Police figures show that forces across the country have spent more than £20,000 on the flat-pack PCs.
West Midlands police said it had ordered 80 cardboard constables at a cost of just over £10,000. In Derbyshire, £6,650 was spent over the past two years on a "substantial number" of cut-outs.
"The theory is that it creates the impression at first glance of a capable guardian being on site, which hopefully also reduces the perception of fear of crime," said a Derbyshire police spokesman.
A survey using the Freedom of Information Act revealed that 13 forces in England and Wales have used cardboard officers.
Essex police said it spent £760 on eight cut-outs. They have been deployed in petrol stations, to deter drivers from speeding away without paying for their fuel, and also in shops to discourage shoplifting.
The force would not reveal precisely where the cut-outs have been placed because "to release locations is likely to jeopardise the success of the trials".
Cleveland police spent £1,760 on cardboard officers for use in shops, petrol stations and retail parks in Hartlepool, Redcar and Stockton-on-Tees.
The other forces which have used cut-outs are North Wales, South Wales, Greater Manchester, Durham, Humberside, Lancashire, Avon and Somerset, Norfolk and Surrey.
Rank-and-file officers, however, questioned the wisdom of spending police funds on fake officers.
Simon Reed, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, said: "While I appreciate that money may be tight for policing, this does seems a drastic solution to avoid paying any salary and pension costs.
"Ultimately it will be for local residents to decide if cardboard police officers work for their community and are good use of their taxes."
Several forces admitted to having suffered the theft of cut-outs. Three went missing from filling stations in Derbyshire in the past two years, while two were stolen in Cleveland.
Humberside reported the theft of one cardboard officer, which disappeared from a Tesco supermarket in Grimsby last November.
A spokesman for West Midlands police, which had the highest spending on cut-outs, said that some of the money would be reclaimed from shops which benefited from the scheme, but could not say how much had been recouped so far.
South Wales police created life-size replicas of two of its serving officers, community support officer Helen Ely and neighbourhood constable Dale Weaver.
Surrey produced cardboard replicas of an entire neighbourhood policing team to reassure residents and increase awareness of crime-prevention measures.
Commercially-produced promotional cut-outs can cost from £12 and £30 each.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/4410417/Police-spend-20000-on-cardboard-officers.html

Title: So funny you could cry
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 05, 2009, 04:21:09 PM

Stimulus package explained............

"Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and
A format:

"Q. What is an Economic
Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are
expected to repay the Chinese.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al
Queda.
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
Chile and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India.
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria. And none of
it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only
businesses still in the US.

Title: Get Your Share!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 12, 2009, 01:16:23 PM

Reason has a personal stimulus generator set up here:

http://www.reason.com/stimulus/request.php

. . . wherein you can insert your own personal stimulus needs, such as mine:

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses', $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.
wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Body by Guinness for the Body by Guinness Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 shall be paid directly to Body by Guinness in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Body by Guinness to Foot Rubs or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Body by Guinness will receive free Roller Derby, baby! tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Body by Guinness shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Jerry Nadler is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

digital-to-analog converter box program

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, and in addition to amounts otherwise provided in any other Act, for costs associated with the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Program, $650,000,000, to be available until September 30, 2009: Provided, That these funds shall be available for coupons and related activities, including but not limited to education, consumer support and outreach, as deemed appropriate and necessary to ensure a timely conversion of analog to digital television.

Title: English & French in Toronto
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 14, 2009, 10:21:47 AM

WARNING: In VERY bad taste:

http://shortyellowb.blogspot.com/2009/02/sidewalk-interview-goes-bad-real-bad.html

Title: Re: Cardboard Cops
Post by: nonkosherdog on February 14, 2009, 10:29:01 AM

Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on February 04, 2009, 06:16:56 PM

Wow, much of the stuff coming out of the UK inspires some serious head shaking. Work out the math compared to the commercial cost listed at the end of the article.

Police spend £20,000 on cardboard officers
Police forces have spent more than £20,000 on cardboard cut-outs of uniformed officers designed to confuse criminals.

By David Barrett, Home Affairs Correspondent
Last Updated: 4:25PM GMT 03 Feb 2009

Cardboard cut-out of a policeman used to help deter shoplifters Photo: PA
It was billed as the latest police tactic to combat crime and now the idea has taken off nationwide.
Police figures show that forces across the country have spent more than £20,000 on the flat-pack PCs.
West Midlands police said it had ordered 80 cardboard constables at a cost of just over £10,000. In Derbyshire, £6,650 was spent over the past two years on a "substantial number" of cut-outs.
"The theory is that it creates the impression at first glance of a capable guardian being on site, which hopefully also reduces the perception of fear of crime," said a Derbyshire police spokesman.
A survey using the Freedom of Information Act revealed that 13 forces in England and Wales have used cardboard officers.
Essex police said it spent £760 on eight cut-outs. They have been deployed in petrol stations, to deter drivers from speeding away without paying for their fuel, and also in shops to discourage shoplifting.
The force would not reveal precisely where the cut-outs have been placed because "to release locations is likely to jeopardise the success of the trials".
Cleveland police spent £1,760 on cardboard officers for use in shops, petrol stations and retail parks in Hartlepool, Redcar and Stockton-on-Tees.
The other forces which have used cut-outs are North Wales, South Wales, Greater Manchester, Durham, Humberside, Lancashire, Avon and Somerset, Norfolk and Surrey.
Rank-and-file officers, however, questioned the wisdom of spending police funds on fake officers.
Simon Reed, vice-chairman of the Police Federation, said: "While I appreciate that money may be tight for policing, this does seems a drastic solution to avoid paying any salary and pension costs.
"Ultimately it will be for local residents to decide if cardboard police officers work for their community and are good use of their taxes."
Several forces admitted to having suffered the theft of cut-outs. Three went missing from filling stations in Derbyshire in the past two years, while two were stolen in Cleveland.
Humberside reported the theft of one cardboard officer, which disappeared from a Tesco supermarket in Grimsby last November.
A spokesman for West Midlands police, which had the highest spending on cut-outs, said that some of the money would be reclaimed from shops which benefited from the scheme, but could not say how much had been recouped so far.
South Wales police created life-size replicas of two of its serving officers, community support officer Helen Ely and neighbourhood constable Dale Weaver.
Surrey produced cardboard replicas of an entire neighbourhood policing team to reassure residents and increase awareness of crime-prevention measures.
Commercially-produced promotional cut-outs can cost from £12 and £30 each.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/4410417/Police-spend-20000-on-cardboard-officers.html

LOL they tried that here also
(http://uploaded.fresh.co.il/2004/10/24/983813.jpg)
(http://mscwgd.walla.co.il/archive/122728-5.jpg)

it doesnt work :wink:

Title: Potential and reality; Little Red Hen 2009
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 22, 2009, 06:02:24 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

==============

The Little Red Hen, 2009 bringing it up to date.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Who will help me sow my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the cow.

"Not I," said the duck.

"Not I," said the pig.

"Not I," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. She
planted her crop, and the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden
grain.

"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.

"Not I," said the duck..

"Out of my classification," said the pig.

"I’d lose my seniority," said the cow.

"I’d lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?"
asked the little red hen.

"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.

"I’d lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.

"I’m a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.

"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.

"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said,
"No, I shall eat all five loaves."

"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around
the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not
be so greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise
system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must
divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked
bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the
Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one
cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years
repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Title: 3 smiling bodies
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 24, 2009, 04:57:47 PM

Three dead bodies turn up at the morgue, all with very big smiles on their

faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman.

He died of heart failure while with his mistress.

Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age.

He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.

Nancy Pelosi, Democrat, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

Title: Wool-Coated Globs Beware
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 25, 2009, 09:46:29 AM

(http://www.reason.com/UserFiles/ngillespie2/dilbert.gif)

Title: For all you gadgeteers that need the next new thing
Post by: Chad on February 26, 2009, 06:29:05 AM

Warning this is NSFW... http://dustinspero.com/blog/2009/2/19/sony-releases-stupid-pos.html

Title: Tax Payer Prize Patrol!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 27, 2009, 07:41:00 PM

Heh heh.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4hrnbhIHDY&eurl=http://transsylvaniaphoenix.blogspot.com/2009/02/bailout-prize-patrol.html[/youtube]

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 27, 2009, 10:39:14 PM

MUST HAVE URL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 28, 2009, 06:01:59 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4hrnbhIHDY&eurl

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 28, 2009, 07:19:11 AM

Thank you!

That was awesome!

Title: Not sure thats what she meant when she asked for "Los Triques" LOL
Post by: Chad on February 28, 2009, 10:42:01 AM

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/around_town/the_scene/Breast-Implants-Set-World-Record-.html :-o

Title: Chicken McMutant
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 03, 2009, 09:21:07 AM

sun-sentinel.com/news/local/treasurecoast/sfl-0303mcnuggets,0,785686.story

South Florida Sun-Sentinel.com

Fort Pierce woman calls 911 when McNuggets run out

Will Greenlee

tcpalm.com

8:46 AM EST, March 3, 2009

FORT PIERCE

Told McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets after paying for a 10-piece, a local woman called 911.

Three times.

"This is an emergency, If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one," Latreasa L. Goodman later told police. "This is an emergency."

The McNugget meltdown happened last week at a McDonald's in the 600 block of North U.S. 1 and ended with Goodman, 27, getting a notice to appear on a misuse of 911 charge, according to a recently released police report.

Goodman told investigators she tried to get a refund for the 10-piece McNuggets, but the cashier told her all sales are final.

"I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," Goodman told police.

The cashier told police she offered Goodman, of the 2400 block of South 25th Street, a larger portion of food for the same price to make up for it, but said Goodman got "irate," the report states.

Goodman reportedly yelled, "I don't want a McDouble and small fry," the cashier told investigators.

Dispatchers for 911 told police Goodman called the emergency number three times and on each occasion was told an officer was en route.

"Goodman maintained the attitude 'this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency,'" the report states.

McNuggets, introduced to the McDonald's national menu in 1983, are sold in more than 100 countries and, unlike the McDouble, are often dunked in barbecue or hot mustard sauce.

Goodman's 10-piece selection has 460 calories and 29 grams of fat.

Title: Steve Crowder on Gun Control
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 05, 2009, 06:36:42 PM

Michael Moore spoof included!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WKLXCHgOiA&eurl=http://www.freedomslighthouse.com/2009/03/conservative-comedian-steven-crowder.html[/youtube]

Title: Hunting Bunnies in his Sleep
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 06, 2009, 05:35:30 PM

Dang, I wonder if this is a regular occurrence?

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=291883

Title: I love you too , , ,
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 16, 2009, 08:25:29 AM

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Title: WTF on so Many Levels
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 17, 2009, 03:44:06 PM

And I always thought "strangle the goat" was a figure of speech. . . .

Florida lawmakers consider ban on bestiality
Florida lawmakers are pushing legislation that would make having sex with animals a felony.

BY MARC CAPUTO
HERALD/TIMES TALLAHASSEE BUREAU
TALLAHASSEE -- The act of bestiality is a step closer to becoming illegal in Florida now that a Senate agriculture committee voted to slap a third-degree felony charge on anyone who has sex with animals.

Florida is one of only 16 states that still permit bestiality -- a fact that animal-rights activist and Sen. Nan Rich learned to her horror three years ago when a Panhandle man was suspected of accidentally asphyxiating a family goat that he held by the collar during a sex act.

''There's a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals,'' said Rich, a Sunrise Democrat. ``This is long overdue. These are heinous crimes. And people belong in jail.''

But the Mossy Head man suspected of assaulting Meg the goat was never charged, because law enforcement officials could not link him to the scene. The suspect was arrested months later in a separate goat abduction, said Walton County Assistant State Attorney Walter Parker.

Rich's legislation would target only those who derived or helped others derive ''sexual gratification'' from an animal, specifying that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

''People are taking these animals as their husbands? What's husbandry?'' she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Sen. Charlie Dean, an Inverness Republican, explained that husbandry is raising and caring for animals. Bullard didn't get it.

''So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?'' Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman's suburban chimpanzee went mad and was shot.

After the unanimous committee vote, Rich predicted the bill would pass this year. She said bestiality used to be illegal in Florida, but the statute was ruled unconstitutional for being too broad.

Reach Marc Caputo at mcaputo@MiamiHerald.com.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/southflorida/story/943463.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on March 19, 2009, 02:52:02 PM

Not only can the chosen one chew gum and play basketball at the same time but he can among other things fix the world economy, global climate change, the national health care problems, watch college basketball, revamp the world energy supply, fix the middle east, Afganistan, Iraq, reset the Russian American relationship, visit Muslims around the world and what the heck, show up on Jay Leno. Well I guess he does use a telepromter so Emanuel and crew and tell him how to fool us some more:

LOS ANGELES - President Barack Obama is defending his appearance on Jay Leno’s late-night talk show.

He said his Thursday appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” is not keeping him from pressing matters. Some critics have questioned whether the television stint distracts from his work to fix the economy.

Obama said he can do more than one thing at a time and is working on a host of issues, including climate change and health care reform.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on March 19, 2009, 03:55:38 PM

I don't know where to post this kind of stuff except in the "humor" department. The guy who is expanding the role of government to unprecedented proportions with debt of the same astronomical levels has this to say. And of course the crowds love him. Obviously these people do not think they are the ones paying for all this:

****Facing largely adoring crowds far from Washington, President Barack Obama on Thursday asked Americans to back his far-reaching economic and health policies, but warned them not to expect too much from him or the federal government****

Title: Affirmative action in action?
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 20, 2009, 09:43:03 AM

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1161/why_women_shouldnt_be_cops/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 26, 2009, 04:01:44 PM

Michigan Man Sentenced to 90 Days in Prison for Sex Act With Car Wash Vacuum

Thursday, March 26, 2009

SAGINAW, Mich. — A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison.

Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing.

The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced Wednesday at Saginaw County Circuit Court.

Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.

Police say Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on Oct. 16 to report suspicious activity at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit.

Savage's attorney, Philip Sturtz, didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.

Title: Murphy's hat
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 27, 2009, 02:00:37 PM

Murphy At Mass

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Title: To be 6 again
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 28, 2009, 06:17:04 AM

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

' .....to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra f ries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M 's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.

Title: South Park Explains the Banking Crisis
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 31, 2009, 05:39:03 PM

Note the role of the chicken in this process:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBETqjlDMNc&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Title: And then the fight started
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 06, 2009, 07:55:51 PM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =========
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started...

=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =========

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...

Title: Speakin' der Lingo, Savy?
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 10, 2009, 10:32:13 AM

Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community

Posted by Jon at 4/9/2009 11:15 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor

After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:

Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.

http://exurbanleague.com/2009/04/09/obama-issues-statement-on-the-pirate-attack.aspx

Title: Déjà vu All Over Again
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 13, 2009, 06:54:49 PM

A cartoon out of the 1934 Chicago Tribune has a familiar ring. . . .

(http://americanbacklash.com/Chicago%20Trib%201934%20cartoon)

Title: Right Wing Terrorist Quiz (With Diploma!)
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 15, 2009, 09:35:16 AM

Easy home test:

http://reason.com/terroristquiz/

Title: Letter to my bank
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 15, 2009, 03:15:29 PM

Letter to my bank

Dear Sirs,

One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds". In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you?

Title: Confucius say
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 15, 2009, 10:27:17 PM

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
Determine who is right, war determines who is
Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

=0 D

Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

Title: Vanity License Plates
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 21, 2009, 10:08:32 AM

A collection thereof. My fave:
(http://jalopnik.com/assets/images/gallery/12/2008/12/medium_3132437563_9218a546f0_o.jpg)

All of 'em:

http://jalopnik.com/photogallery/InternetsVanityPlates/

Title: The Most Hideous Sweater in the Universe
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 22, 2009, 06:59:10 PM

Oh my goodness, make it stop:

(http://craftastrophe.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/clownsweater.jpg)

Title: Cheap Date
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 28, 2009, 09:38:13 AM

Couple found having sex inside dumpster
by KOMO Staff and CTV News

Originally printed at http://www.komonews.com/news/local/43701407.html

Talk about getting down and dirty.

On Friday morning, police on Vancouver Island got a call about suspicious activity in a Victoria suburb. When an officer arrived on the scene, he discovered a man and woman having sex in a dumpster, reports CTV News in British Columbia.

"It's 1:45 a.m. so it's dark and he called out to the people in the dumpster and didn't get any response," Police Sgt. John Price told CTV News. "So he went over there with his flashlight and poked his head in at the bottom of the dumpster."

Inside were two people, naked and intertwined.

Police arrested the 26-year-old man, who was wanted by another police department. The 30-year-old woman was sent home, CTV News reports.

Price says that in his decades of policing he can't remember ever hearing a story like this.

(http://media.komonews.com/images/090425_dumpster_sex.jpg)

Title: James and the joys of motherhood
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 29, 2009, 09:39:24 AM

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the
bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He
carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier,
and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake
up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of
his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you," demanded
James, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered
"This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter".

James didn't take the news so well. "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I
have so much to live for, I haven't even said goodbye to my family. you've
got to send me back right away!"

St. Peter replied "You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away
James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only
send you back as a dog or a hen." James was devastated, but knowing that
there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back
as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking at corn on the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt
a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over
and said "So you're the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day
here?" "It's not so bad" replies James, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster,
"haven't you ever laid an egg before?"

"Never" replies James.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions
got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him. ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to
lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife shout "James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting
the bed!"

Title: Ticketed for Parking in Own Driveway
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 29, 2009, 05:30:37 PM

D.C. Ticketing Homeowners for Parking in Their Own Driveways

Radley Balko | April 29, 2009, 7:01pm

Fresh from a proposal to charge residents extra fees for street lights, D.C.’s latest effort to generate revenue is to ticket residents for parking in their own driveways.

No, that isn’t an exaggeration:

Beverly Anderson is mad as hell. She just started to get tickets for parking in her own driveway.

That’s right. The District of Columbia is ticketing people who park their cars in their own driveways.

“This is clearly an attempt by the city to extort money out of property owners,” Anderson tells WTOP.

Anderson has received two of the $20 tickets in the past month. Anderson has owned the Capitol Hill house (and the driveway, so she thought) for more than ten years and has never gotten a ticket. And she’s not alone.

It turns out that D.C. has an odd, obscure law stating that the land between the front of your house and the street, otherwise known as your driveway and front yard, falls under a bizarre classification known as “private property set aside for public use.” Essentially, though owners have to pay for its maintenance and upkeep (they can be fined if they don’t), it’s considered public property. Which apparently means that, technically, you can’t park your car on it. The city recently dusted off the law, and began writing parking tickets if any part of a resident’s car is parked between the front facade of their house and the street, even if it’s parked in the driveway.

When Anderson complained, one D.C. official told her that if she wanted, she could pay the city to lease the land between the front of her house and the street, which would allow her to park her car there legally.

In November 2007, I wrote about how D.C. was phasing out due process rights for people who want to contest parking tickets in person.

http://www.reason.com/blog/show/133186.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF What if this mess was Palin's?
Post by: DougMacG on May 16, 2009, 07:53:34 AM

President Palin’s First 100 Days
A near disaster.

By Victor Davis Hanson

WASHINGTON (AP) — The first 100 days of the Palin presidency, according to a consensus of media commentators, have proven a near disaster. Perhaps it was Palin’s scant two years’ experience in a major government position that has eroded her gravitas, or maybe it was her flirty reliance on looks and informal chit-chat. In any case, the press has had a field day, and it is hard to see how President Palin can ever recover from the Quayle/potatoe syndrome. Here is a roundup of this week’s pundit mockery.

LET THEM EAT MOOSE
“Ted Stevens may have gotten off,” wrote Bob Herbert in the New York Times, “but he taught our Sarah something first — like using $100-a-pound beef for her state dinners. And what’s this $50 mil for her inauguration gala? Since when do you fly in your favorite pizza-maker from across the country on our dime? Or send the presidential 747 for a spin over the Big Apple for a third-of-a-million-dollar joyride? Does Palin think she’s still in Alaska and has to have everything flown in from the South 48 by jumbo jet?”

WASILLA CHIC
Also in the Times, Gail Collins weighed in on the already-tired yokelism of the new commander in chief. “What we’re getting is Wasilla chic. That’s what we’re getting. She arrives in the Oval Office, and first thing sends back Blair’s gift of the Churchill bust as if it’s a once-worn Penney’s outfit. Then she gives the Brits some unwatchable DVDs as a booby prize — as if she idled the old Yukon and ran into Target’s sale aisle. Did Sarah send Bristol into Wal-Mart back in Anchorage for that ‘engraved’ iPod for the queen? And what’s this don’t-bow-to-the-queen stuff, but curtsy for a Saudi sheik? Maybe that explains why she brags to Stephanopoulos about her ‘Muslim faith.’ So far, the best things going for her are Todd’s biceps.”

IT'S THE MATH, STUPID!
“Well,” lectured Paul Krugman, again in the Times, “we were worried that they didn’t teach math at Idaho U., and now we know for sure they don’t. Is it $1.6 trillion, $1.7 trillion, or $2 trillion in red ink this year? Are we supposed to be impressed that she offers ‘fiscal sobriety’ by cutting 0.003 percent of the budget? She gives out money to those who don’t pay taxes and calls it a tax cut. And now Queen Sarah tells us that in four years she’ll ‘halve’ the deficit, as if she hasn’t borrowed another $5 trillion in the meantime. Does she think we’re morons? How many ‘Drill, baby, drill!’ oil wells can she tap into up there in Alaska to pay for the extra $11 trillion in debt she’s saddling us with?”

WORSE THAN 'NUCULAR'
ABC’s Katie Couric summed up the general disappointment with the president’s communication skills. “I tried to warn the American people in that interview a few years back what they would get if they voted for her. Let’s face it: She’s a walking embarrassment. I mean just count ’em up: The mayor of Wasilla thinks Austrians speak some lingo called ‘Austrian.’ Then she tries her hand at Spanish and comes up with some concoction, ‘Cinco de Cuatro.’ Next thing she’ll walk into the window of the Oval Office and expect it to open — oops, she’s already done that. No wonder that when her Teleprompter stalls, she shuts her mouth until it catches up. I’m surprised she managed to get sworn in. And did she think that tasteless ‘Special Olympics’ slur was funny? Or making fun of octogenarian Nancy Reagan’s séances? No wonder Wanda Sykes feels at home.”

ANCHORAGE STYLE
A “dragon lady in heels” is what President Palin is, according to the NYT’s Frank Rich. “Don’t fall for this pageant nice-girl stuff. Our former beauty queen is a ward hack. Look at her nominations. Can’t Palin find anyone who has paid his taxes — or do they simply ignore that stuff in no-tax Alaska? Does ‘No more lobbyists’ mean ‘More lobbyists than ever’? Her chief performance overseer doesn’t perform too well herself — and, like Daschle, Geithner, and the rest, skips out on her taxes. When Palin brags about fiscal sobriety, it really means record deficits. In Sarahland, not wanting to take over banks and car companies translates into, ‘She already has.’ Highest ethical standards equates to ‘There are none.’ Calling herself the VA president means she’s just told vets to use their own health insurance.”

GUTTER TRASH
“Pretty crude, pretty petty,” Sally Quinn sighed in the Washington Post. “No manners at all. Does our new mom in chief think it’s neat to laugh when her court jester at the correspondents’ dinner calls Michael Moore a traitor and a terrorist — and hopes he dies of kidney failure? Is that funny? Ask those on dialysis. Is that what Alaskan hockey moms do — scream out at every talk-show host who hurts their itty-bitty feelings? Limbaugh, Hannity — who will it will be next? Poor old Jim Cramer?”

NEOCON CON
“She’s a Bush clone,” the Times’s Maureen Dowd chimed in. “Bush is out, Palin is in — but we keep getting renditions, military tribunals, wiretaps, e-mail intercepts, Predator drone executions over Pakistan, the same in Iraq, and even more of the same in Afghanistan — all retrofitted with new ‘hope and change’ banalities. I mean, who’s putting Mommy Dearest up to this — Wolfie, Perlie, Cheney?”

TINGLE FOR HUGO?
“There is no foreign policy,” Chris Matthews said on Hardball, his voice dripping with scorn. “She just tours the world and nods, as if her good looks and serial apologies are going to win us a collective tingle abroad. I don’t think Hugo Chávez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad care much that she’s got great legs and a nice wink. How many times can Ms. Vapid say, ‘We’re sorry’ and ‘Hit that old reset button’ and expect thugs to make nice?”

RACE, ALL THE TIME
Eugene Robinson worried in the Washington Post about Palin’s emphasis on race. “Look, she gets 95 percent of the working-class white vote. She promises next month to talk to the ‘Christian world’ from Estonia, of all places. Hello? She goes to the Summit of the Americas and immediately puts race on the table — as if we are supposed to separate those with European heritage from those without. Then she tells al Arabiyya that she hopes to heal the rift with Europe ‘because of my own shared European heritage that seems to resonate in ways I hadn’t imagined throughout the EU.’ I guess we’re learning that those ‘gaffes’ last year on the campaign trail, like her ‘typical black person’ remark and Todd’s ‘I am finally proud of my country again’ nonsense were not gaffes at all.”

WHERE IS THE PRESS?
Howard Kurtz summed up the press cynicism the best in his Washington Post column. “How long does she think she can keep picking on her right-wing plants in the audience for these softball Q-and-A sessions? I mean, there are only so many pukey ‘What has surprised you the most about this office? What has enchanted you the most about serving in this office?’ questions you can lob.”

Title: Canard Petard
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 17, 2009, 11:02:16 AM

May 15, 2009
More Carbon: The Only Answer to Global Freezing
James Lewis
Global Warming is dead. Global Freezing is in.

According Dr. Terri Jackson, a physicist and climatologist, writing in the Belfast (Ireland) Telegraph, on May 13,

"There is now irrefutable scientific evidence that far from global warming the earth has now entered a period of global cooling which will last at least for the next two decades.

"Evidence for this comes from the NASA Microwave Sounding Unit and the Hadley Climate Research Unit... ."

Etcetera ad infinitum. You've heard it before. Just flip the temperature story from high to low. The polar bears are all going to live, but the desert jackals are all going extinct. Along with James Hansen and the other global fraudsters.

Now watch the political class jump on the Global Freezing bandwagon. They don't care. Doom is doom! Money is money. Power is power.

Global Freezing? Goody! It's another jackpot!

And they will be warmly supported by all the corrupt and money-hungry science-types who run the big science journals.

But here's the kicker: we won't have to do anything to change the climate back --- not if you believe any of the professional liars of the Global Warming scam. All we have to do is follow the lead of India and China and increase our carbon production as much as possible!

See, Obama's EPA has decided that carbon warms the planet.

That's a great Green opportunity for the political class, because now they can tax carbon --- including breathing out, expelling gas in other ways, and running your car in the driveway.

Not to mention private jets and running coal-fired plants, drilling for oil, and a thousand other sensible ideas for more energy independence.

Well, if carbon warms the planet, and the planet is now sliding downward into frozen hell, it's obvious what we must do, fast:

Burn more coal.

Drill more oil.

Make more and bigger cars.

And above all, stop taxing carbon!
That way producers will make more.
And of course, stop throwing more money after new sci-fi brainstorm for novel energy from the sun, the oceans, geothermal, and ethanol.

Just remember to use as much carbon as you can. Do Mother Gaia a big favor. Breathe out as much as you can. Have a BBQ in your backyard. Eat beef.

And let's teach all the little kids around the world to burn their carbon!

Only you can Save the Planet!

Cliff Thier adds:

We also need to destroy the damn rainforest.

I'm eating breakfast and noticed, not for the first time, that I'm being exhorted by Tropicana (on the top of an orange juice container) to "Rescue The Rainforest" as a way of cooling the earth.

Well, it's time to cut down those trees.

Also, I thought I'd form an organization to knit sweaters for the whales. And, turtlenecks for the turtles,

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/05/more_carbon_the_only_answer_to.html

Title: A Dedicated Parent
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 21, 2009, 12:16:57 PM

California mom tells cops she had sex with boys to keep them away from her daughter

Associated Press
Posted: 05/15/2009 07:52:04 AM PDT
Updated: 05/19/2009 08:13:35 PM PDT

A 30-year-old Northern California woman has pleaded not guilty to charges that she had sex with three teenage boys.
Deborah Towe faces 11 felony counts, including unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, oral copulation of a person under the age of 16, committing lewd acts upon a child and arranging a meeting with a minor for a lewd purpose.

The boys were 15 and 16 years old.

Police in Anderson, about 150 miles north of Sacramento, began investigating in April after two girls from a local middle school reported that a friend's mother was having sex with boys.

In a 48-page report released this week, Towe told police she was protecting her daughter by diverting the boys' attention to herself.

She denied the charges during an appearance Wednesday in Shasta County Superior Court. Towe remains jailed, with her bond set at $250,000.

http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12374655?source=most_viewed

Title: I want a cheeseburger
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 25, 2009, 05:58:21 AM

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 30, 2009, 10:00:54 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPyuV4QJ5HU&feature=player_embedded

Kung Fu flick-- Jesus beats Batman

Title: Dirty magazines
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 30, 2009, 07:00:34 PM

A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late. He said dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at their previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something so trivial.

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, "Dirty magazines: The clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Title: Old Jews telling jokes
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 23, 2009, 09:40:18 AM

http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on July 08, 2009, 07:25:58 PM

Hehehe technology is great...treat musicians who can use youtube with care!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 15, 2009, 04:32:39 PM

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Title: Bad Medicine
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on July 22, 2009, 11:54:13 AM

Introducing Reforma:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CyZhOirPTU&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Efreedomslighthouse%2Ecom%2F2009%2F07%2Fnew%2Drnc%2Dad%2Dspoofs%2Dobamacare%2Das%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on July 28, 2009, 05:37:31 AM

Ordering Pizza in 2012!(the source suprised me)
http://aclu.org/pizza/ (http://aclu.org/pizza/)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 29, 2009, 06:20:20 PM

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Title: Jeopardy!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on July 31, 2009, 01:45:52 PM

A quiz show I'd like to see:

(http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/Obamas%2051.jpg)

Title: Re: Baby Drops a Dime on Dad
Post by: bedens on August 06, 2009, 11:49:05 AM

Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on January 21, 2009, 06:34:31 PM

Baby Accidentally Dials 911, Leads To Arrest Of Father

I had my niece (who was almost two) dial 911 accidentally at our house in Arkansas... No arrests or anything... Just explained to the dispatcher what happened... They sent a squad by later just to confirm though... Of course, this was 18 years ago :)

- Bert

Title: Really, Don't Feed the Bears
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 08, 2009, 01:04:57 PM

DOW Agents Find Bear Devouring Elderly Woman

Woman Had Been Known To Feed Bears, Wildlife Officers Say

POSTED: 9:50 pm MDT August 7, 2009
UPDATED: 10:35 pm MDT August 7, 2009

OURAY, Colo. -- A bear was found Friday devouring the body of a 73-year-old woman who had been repeatedly asked not to feed the bears, the Division of Wildlife said.
A caretaker saw the bear feeding on the woman's body as she lay outside of her home, just north of Ouray. The caretaker called 911 and dispatchers reported the incident to the DOW.
While it's unclear if she was killed by the bear or died of other causes, there were wounds from an animal found on her body, DOW spokesman Joe Lewandowski said.

Lewandowski said the woman was known to feed bears dog food for years and would not stop, even after repeated requests from the DOW.
While sheriff's deputies were at the woman's home investigating the report of the mauling, an aggressive bear approached them so they killed it. The 250-pound male bear will be taken to the Colorado State Veterinary office, where a necropsy will be performed and its stomach contents will be examined and analyzed.
The victim's name is not being released until her family is notified.
The Montrose Memorial Hospital will conduct the autopsy on the woman and results should be released by noon Saturday, the DOW said.
"There have been a lot of bears that have been habituated to dog food. Once this happens you cannot relocate them," Lewandowski said. "Once bears are accustomed to the food, there is no getting them off it. The bears will keep coming back."
He said the DOW will have to kill bears that show up at the woman's house because they are accustomed to the food.
The DOW and the Ouray County Sheriff's Office are investigating the incident.
There have been only two fatal bear attacks in Colorado in the past 100 years. The first was in Grand County in 1971, when a man was killed. The second incident was Aug. 10, 1993 in Fremont County when a 24-year-old man was killed.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/20325227/detail.html

Title: The pumpkin
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 09, 2009, 06:06:22 AM

Best Come Back Line???

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? S*it .... is it midnight already?"'

Title: Re: The pumpkin
Post by: bedens on August 19, 2009, 07:39:49 AM

Wasn't sure where else to put this, but it's definitely a mind-blower...

- Bert

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,540226,00.html

A Brazilian schoolgirl was held Monday night for knifing 30 men to death.

The 17-year-old stunned cops by owning up to a serial killing spree that
started when she was 15.

She told detectives she wanted to confess before she turned 18 and could be
tried as an adult.

The girl - who can't be named because she is still a minor - said she began
targeting men in her home city of Sao Paulo, Brazil "for money, revenge and
to bring justice."

She even smiled as she reeled off her list of victims - which is feared to
make her the world's most prolific teenage serial killer. She calmly
bragged to police: "I don't have enough courage to hold a gun - but I can
hold a knife.

"I am confessing because I promised I would do so before becoming 18 - to
avoid upsetting my family."

The teen told how she always used the same knife - butchering one man for
throwing a glass of brandy in her face in a bar fight.

But police are still unclear about what drove her to keep on killing.

Sources said one theory is she was hired by gangland bosses as an assassin
because she was so innocent-looking. The teenager's sensational confession
came after she was arrested over a Sao Paulo street fight.

It shocked a country still reeling from the arrest of a TV crime show host
for allegedly arranging killings to boost ratings.

Title: Anthropogenic Continental Drift!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 20, 2009, 07:05:07 AM

Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again

A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.

Science in Unquestionable

The continents rest on massive tectonic plates. Until the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 18th century, these plates were fixed in place and immobile. However, drilling for oil and mining for minerals has cut these plates loose from their primordial moorings and left them to drift aimlessly. "The potential for damage is truly catastrophic," said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental Drift (IPCD). "The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos by next Tuesday." The representative seemed close to tears during his announcement, a clear indicator of the severity of the threat.

Villages in Peril

The IPCD bureaucracy has gone even further, proposing immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates and Europe be paid to the governments of non-industrial nations. "These non-industrial nations will be hardest hit by the looming catastrophe. No right-thinking scientist can question that," pronounced Brinker after composing himself. "On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages." These villages, it must be pointed out, are the primary raisers of children. Only massive infusions of industrial-nation cash can avert these effects.

China and India will be exempted from these indemnities; as non-European nations they have automatic victim-status and thus cannot be held accountable for ACD, despite their industrial economies. South Korea and Japan, as nominal allies of the United States, however, will be subjected to the same penalties as their allies. If the measure is passed by the United Nations, all penalty monies will be paid into the IPCD General Fund, which will cover the continuing study of ACD and disburse funds to deserving member states.

Polar Bears in Peril

"Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North America plows toward Asia," explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. "What's more, millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them."

Data is 'Air France' Tight and Undeniable

This widening of the Atlantic is taking place at an astounding rate, according to indisputable IPCD scientific data. Today it costs almost a third again as much to fly an Air France jet from New York to Paris than it did in 1997, a clear indicator that the ocean has indeed increased in size in the past decade. Surface shipping rates have likewise increased dramatically.

"This is a clear and reliable indicator of the speed of ACD," said Passapotapissalong, "much more so than the global positioning satellite data often cited by 'Continental Drift Deniers.' The GPS system was, after all, originally created by the US military to enhance their empire-building program, and we all know who controls the US military." He paused at this point and pulled his ears out to each side, a clear reference to the ape-like countenance of the American president.

"Although these so-called 'scientists' claim that there is no GPS data to support the rapid widening of the Atlantic Ocean, they are all employees of American corporations or have been paid to falsify their data by the American government. Air France fuel costs are a much more reliable indicator of distance flown." He added that he and his right-thinking colleagues had "nothing to gain" by presenting their findings, pointing out that their stipends, expenses and salaries were drawn from the IPCD General Fund, not corporate or government grants.

Representatives from all continents will converge on the last geologically stable point on earth, the Island of Oahu, later this month for the "First International Conference on Anthropogenic Continental Drift." Organizers stress that the location, despite being part of the United States, was chosen solely due to its geological stability and that the venue has nothing to do with climate, accommodations, or the availability of private jet hanger space.

"We are here to decide the fate of the planet," said Brinker. "After a tough day of negotiations, it is essential that delegates have a stable beach to stroll, a cocktail lounge that isn't bouncing around due to continental whiplash, and ladies of negotiable affection whose balance has not been affected by sudden surges of continental acceleration. Without these, we might make some crazy decisions."

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=1668&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

Title: Fishy Messages
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 21, 2009, 11:30:19 PM

Numerous purported responses to BHO's fishy.whitehouse.gov solicitation:

http://commonsense2020.com/2009/08/12/war-of-the-watchdogs-part-5/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: bedens on August 27, 2009, 11:41:37 AM

This is actually getting to be old hat... No surprise alcohol was involved :)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/aug/24/deputies-pasco-woman-used-ninja-sword-fight-boyfri/

LAND O’ LAKES - William Allen was on the phone with his ex-wife Sunday night and his live-in girlfriend apparently didn't like it, and soon he was getting jabbed with a ninja sword, according to Pasco sheriff's office report.

Naturally, deputies got two stories about what happened, but the gist of it was that one of them started yelling and then fists started flying. Dana Gordon said Allen slapped her across the face first, according to the report, but Allen said she punched him in the face seven, maybe eight times. That's when he spit on her and slapped her, according to the report.

(http://www2.tbo.com/exposure/ar/145/140/2009/08/24/11039_dana-gordon.bmp)

Gordon, 37, then grabbed the sword, which has a 12- to 14-inch blade, and started poking Allen in the arms, legs and torso, causing several cuts, according to the report.

Gordon told deputies she held the blade to Allen and told him to leave her alone.

Allen, 39, was able to wrestle the sword away from her and then ran into the bedroom to call 911, according to the report.

When deputies arrived to the home at 21336 Aaron Court, they saw several cuts and scratches on Allen.

They had both been drinking, Allen told deputies, and he didn't want her to go to jail.

Gordon was arrested on a felony aggravated domestic battery charge. She is being held without bail at the Land O' Lakes Jail.

The sword was seized as evidence.

Title: To the nation's school children
Post by: ccp on September 04, 2009, 11:54:17 AM

JFK twisted?? To our school children:

"Ask NOT what your country can do for you",

but ask,

what you can do FOR Obama?" :x

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 05, 2009, 04:15:15 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. during the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea that's what you were doing with the money, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Title: PJTV Salutes Mr. Tax-Law-Writing-Tax-Evader
Post by: Freki on September 23, 2009, 06:44:50 AM

"PJTV Salutes Mr. Tax-Law-Writing-Tax-Evader" http://www.pjtv.com/v/2479 (http://www.pjtv.com/v/2479)

Title: BHO/IOC Top 10
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 03, 2009, 09:02:08 AM

Top 10 Reasons Chicago Didn't Get the Olympics [Rich Lowry]
An e-mail:
10. Dead people can't vote at IOC meetings
9. Obama distracted by 25 min meeting with Gen. McChrystal
8. Who cares if Obama couldn't talk the IOC into Chicago? He'll be able to talk Iran out of nukes.
7. The impediment is Israel still building settlements.
6. Obviously no president would have been able to acomplish it.
5. We've been quite clear and said all along that we didn't want the Olympics.
4. This isn't about the number of Olympics "lost", it's about the number of Olympics "saved" or "created".
3. Clearly not enough wise Latina judges on the committee
2. Because the IOC is racist.
1. It's George Bush's fault.

http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=OTNiMjBjMWI5OTdkNDliMTcwMmUwZmI3NTM0ZDcxYTc=.

Title: WTF? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed to have Jewish past
Post by: DougMacG on October 05, 2009, 07:47:20 AM

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/iran/6256173/Mahmoud-Ahmadinejad-revealed-to-have-Jewish-past.html
Home News World News Middle East Iran

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad revealed to have Jewish past
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's vitriolic attacks on the Jewish world hide an astonishing secret, evidence uncovered by The Daily Telegraph shows.

By Damien McElroy and Ahmad Vahdat
Published: 7:30AM BST 03 Oct 2009
Ahmadinejad showing papers during election
Ahmadinejad showing papers during election. It shows that his family's previous name was Jewish

A photograph of the Iranian president holding up his identity card during elections in March 2008 clearly shows his family has Jewish roots.

A close-up of the document reveals he was previously known as Sabourjian – a Jewish name meaning cloth weaver.

The short note scrawled on the card suggests his family changed its name to Ahmadinejad when they converted to embrace Islam after his birth.

The Sabourjians traditionally hail from Aradan, Mr Ahmadinejad's birthplace, and the name derives from "weaver of the Sabour", the name for the Jewish Tallit shawl in Persia. The name is even on the list of reserved names for Iranian Jews compiled by Iran's Ministry of the Interior.

The Iranian leader has not denied his name was changed when his family moved to Tehran in the 1950s. But he has never revealed what it was change from or directly addressed the reason for the switch.

Relatives have previously said a mixture of religious reasons and economic pressures forced his blacksmith father Ahmad to change when Mr Ahmadinejad was aged four.

During this year's presidential debate on television he was goaded to admit that his name had changed but he ignored the jibe.

However Mehdi Khazali, an internet blogger, who called for an investigation of Mr Ahmadinejad's roots was arrested this summer.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on October 05, 2009, 08:14:37 AM

Sounds awfully like the rumors of Hitlers partial Jewish ancestry.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: DougMacG on October 05, 2009, 08:40:44 AM

"Sounds awfully like the rumors of Hitlers partial Jewish ancestry."

I remember that and believe it was debunked. With Makmood I think it irrelevant what makes him the way he is - I see him more as a puppet than a leader - so I put it under WTF.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on October 05, 2009, 12:14:08 PM

Lets start a rumor Netenyahu is part Iranian. He can trace his ancestry back to Cyrus the Great :lol:

Title: A Heisman for BHO
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 09, 2009, 10:40:37 PM

Click the link below and then write in Barack Obama as your vote for the Heisman Trophy so he can add it to his collection of undeserved awards. . . .

http://promo.espn.go.com/espn/contests/theheismanvote/2009/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on October 11, 2009, 09:53:17 PM

this is just odd and funny. Nature lover is on the receiving end
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY)

Title: 9 Year Old Hockey Goal
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 15, 2009, 09:31:32 AM

Probably a better place to post this, but I couldn't find it. Some amazing stick handling:

http://bruins.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?catid=977&id=48542

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on October 15, 2009, 04:01:40 PM

So that is what a dynamo is :-D

Title: Updated Bumper Sticker
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 16, 2009, 12:43:33 PM

This oughta make some heads explode:

(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Dwu-kWnRU7k/R0Q5s_9qxPI/AAAAAAAAACM/SCug-p7NI6M/s320/coexist2b.gif)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on October 30, 2009, 01:41:05 PM

I am not ready to give up on the U.S. constitution yet but this made me smile. :-D

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nxm2v1owLc[/youtube]

Title: Side Job
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 31, 2009, 03:22:53 PM

Think I just found a new business to get into. I wonder if they have franchises:

http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/Home_Page.html

Title: Top 10
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 17, 2009, 06:52:04 PM

Top Ten Cheney 2012 Slogans

10. "Yeah, I'm a compassionate conservative. I let you live, didn't I?"

9. "The Secret Service's new job? Protecting other world leaders from me."

8. "I'll crush all enemies foreign & domestic. Then I'll figure out a goal for Week Two."

7. "I shot a guy in the face and he apologized to me."

6. "Democrats will need Universal Health Care after I'm through with them."

5. "Want to see world leaders bowing? Oh, they'll bow alright."

4. "Do what I say or I'll have my daughter kick your $*%."

3. "On my World Apology Tour, I won't be the one apologizing."

2. "I never had a heart attack. I just stopped it a few times to show it who was boss."

1. "Vote for me. Or not. Like I give a *!#& what you do."

Title: China Press Conference
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 22, 2009, 12:27:48 PM

SNL lays it all out there:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZXEShSIFks&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Looks like it got taken off YouTube. Try this instead:

http://www.zimbio.com/Barack+Obama/articles/fthL9FEqPPn/SNL+Obama+Skit+Shows+Economic+Crisis+China

Scroll down to the Hulu video.

Title: A Little Help from Microsoft
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 03, 2009, 10:12:10 AM

The friendly paperclip weighs in on Climategate:

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v99/smallestminority/clippy.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rarick on December 04, 2009, 06:30:44 AM

Here is a DOG!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-467985/Meet-Incredible-Hulk-Hounds.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 07, 2009, 06:34:14 AM

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysNo crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 08, 2009, 03:11:53 PM

A very successful oilman dies. He faces Saint Peter, who says, “You’ve been a good man and normally I’d send you to heaven, but heaven is full. We only have a place in hell.”
The oilman says, “Any chance I could talk to other oilmen who are in heaven? Maybe I can convince someone to switch places with me?”

Saint Peter says, “It’s never happened before, but sure, I don’t see any harm in it.”

The oilman goes to heaven, finds an oilmen convention and yells, “They found a huge oil discovery in hell!” Oilmen are stampeding out of heaven to hell, and our oilman is running with them.

Saint Peter asks him “Why are you going to hell with them? I have a spot in heaven, you can stay.”

The oilman answers – “Are you kidding, what if it’s true?”

Title: Twas the night
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 20, 2009, 04:53:14 PM

Twas the night before Christmas

By "Dangerous" Dave Workman

`Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding,
As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading.
The empties from autumn were polished so clear
For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer

And Hornady softpoints, and Nosler's Partitions
(MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!)
All sat in their boxes, right next to the press
With dies from Pacific, and RCBS

When all of a sudden there came such a jolt,
I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt.
As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf
I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself

From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting
Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting!
I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto
With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto

Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
"It's Santa, you moron, lemme in, I'm freezing!"

I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide,
To find St. Nick a'shivering, Rudolph by his side
He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval
"You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."

"But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you
Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you"
Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow
My .357, 'till day after tomorrow

"It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration.
"I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association"
He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating
"I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"

"And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous
"Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us
"So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin'
"I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'

"And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot
"I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot!
"Now, Rudy and I must be on our way"
He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh

With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket
He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket
With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare
I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear

As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling
"From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling
"To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta
"I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"

. . . and then, The Sequel . . .

'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all
guessin'
If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson

Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh

When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats.
New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.

Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.

The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared
Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath

One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow
The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow

"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
"Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
"Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"

After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
"Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"

So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
"Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"

And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?

"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
"But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
"And now, I must leave you, until late next December
"But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember

"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
"So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
"In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
"If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"

Dave Workman
Senior Editor
GUN WEEK

Title: limerick
Post by: ccp on December 30, 2009, 04:48:40 PM

There once was a Muslim from Nigeria
Who for fun joined Al Queda
He loved to kill Americans for sport
So he got right through the airport
With a bomb in his shorts
The dynamite fizzled
His testicles sizzled
And instead of a fundamentalist hero
He wound up a jailed zero.

There once was a man named Osama
Who had a good friend named Obama
The former sinned
The latter grinned
And the ACLU winned
The former drinks moletovs
The latter drinks beer
And Americans lived in fear
Our hero Biden
Came out of hiden
First to go thru a scanner
Our enemies cheered with laughter
At his latest gaffer
In Uncle Sam has never before
A leader not known the score
We will all wind up dead or poor.

Title: The Flexible Up & Down Guess Estimate
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 07, 2010, 06:37:02 PM

Global Warming Consensus Reaches 130% with -50% Against
By Will Beria
1/1/2010, 5:35 pm

(http://www.thepeoplescube.com/Future/images/GlobalWarmingConsensusGraph.gif)

It's official: the consensus for Man-made Climate Change is now over-unanimous. The results from a recent poll conducted by the Mann-Hansen Group strongly support Man-made Climate Change theories by 130% for to -50% against. This unprecedented result was obtained by counting a 'no' vote as a negative response which is added by subtracting. This also generates a positive feedback raising the pro vote beyond the 100% level.

Explained a Mann-Hansen expert, "Yes, the numbers don't exactly add up to 100, a discrepancy we attribute to the carbon offset, as the poll takers, being life forms, have quite a bit of carbon in them. In any case, the whole thing has man's carbon fingerprints all over it. Our computer models can rectify this using the customary Flexible Up and Down Guess Estimate, or FUDGE factor. This might seem unnatural, but Man-made Climate Change is unnatural, so the consensus may as well be, too. You have to fight fire with fire."

He continued, "The Precautionary Principle would seem to imply we act with caution, but as the consensus has passed the 100% tipping point, it no longer applies. This invokes the Post-Cautionary Principle meaning radical, precipitous action is now required. Which is what we've been saying all along, only now we've produced some overwhelming numbers to back us up."

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?t=4639&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

Title: Re: Humor/a WTF winter
Post by: DougMacG on January 08, 2010, 03:29:33 PM

I mentioned earlier in Pathological Science our extreme weather here and elsewhere this winter / (every winter). Last night coming into the 9th Mpls day in a row below zero I heard the forecast last night that the coldest morning yet is next, (WTF). As Accuweather puts it: bitterly cold. And yes, I still see a few high school boys wearing shorts to school; must be a badge of toughness.

For those of you in the warm climates I share this Upper Penninsula (Michigan) photo, (not Antarctica), received in the email so the that you might visualize what they mean by 'lake effect' snow, along with a cartoon. Maybe the U.P. photo could have gone under 'water issues'. :-)
(http://i603.photobucket.com/albums/tt114/dougmacg/UPsnow.jpg)
(http://i603.photobucket.com/albums/tt114/dougmacg/tiredofsnow.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on January 08, 2010, 03:58:55 PM

New take on candid camera
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319 (http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on January 12, 2010, 01:33:30 PM

While in the hospital discussing new regulations I joked I would go to the bathroom here so I don't have to waste a toilet flush at home and get taxed for a flush.
Someone countered it would be called the "crap tax".

Now I would call all taxes crappy but this is a first.

Title: Cubism & More
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 21, 2010, 08:47:07 PM

(http://cagle.com/working/090314/ramirez.jpg)

(http://cagle.com/working/091204/lester.jpg)

Title: Post Racial Punditry
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 29, 2010, 11:04:25 AM

Stewart skewers Matthews:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/124519/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-speech-therapy-post-racial?c=227

Title: Loading Ice on to the Titanic
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 03, 2010, 05:37:08 AM

Scientologists in Haiti: A Firsthand Account
We've spoken to someone who traveled to Haiti on a Scientology plane — and witnessed firsthand the ineptitude, quackery and irresponsibility of the church's minions in a disaster zone. Here's his account.

I arrived at JFK last week, ready to go.
I knew we were traveling with doctors and EMTs, but I didn't expect to see 50 scientologists, in their yellow shirts with Volunteer Minister on them. They were completely unprepared for going to a third world country, let alone a disaster zone. One girl was in designer cowboy boots. I asked her if she'd brought any sturdier footwear.
"Oh no, these'll be fine."
I asked another guy what he'd packed and he said he hadn't bothered to bring soap or toilet paper or food, but that he'd just "buy whatever I need at Port-au-Prince airport." I couldn't break it to him.
They had no place to stay, and no supplies — their idea was to use the ton of money they had to buy food to distribute when they got there. But there was no food and no water. That was the point.
By the time we arrived in Haiti, after a stopover in Miami, we had missed three landing slots at the airport. Aid agencies — genuine aid agencies — from other countries were being turned away, refused permission to land. But we still got a slot straight away. The guy who ran our charter seemed to think that the Scientologists had some real influence with the US Government, who were assigning the slots.
The doctors and EMTs in our party headed straight downtown to start working. The Scientologists had nowhere to go, and nowhere to put up the big yellow tent they'd brought for touch healing people in. They went to the UN, and managed to get on to their list of approved NGOs somehow. That meant they could set up in the UN grounds.
But they had no-one who spoke Creole, and they brought the weirdness of touch healing into a very superstitious society. They'd leave the tent and come into the general hospital downtown, and try healing people. One of the doctors and one of the nurses told me that the wounded started coming to them to tell them they didn't want to be treated by the people in the yellow shirts.
One nurse told me that the Scientologists actually caused harm — they gave food to people who were scheduled to go into surgery. That then led to complications in the operating theater.
On the way back, the plane stopped in Miami and did not go on to New York, stranding all the doctors and EMTs and journalists who expected to get back. After much fighting, the Scientologist representative agreed to fly any of the EMTs that "absolutely couldn't afford the ticket" on Jet Blue from Fort Lauderdale. I heard there were complications but had bought my own ticket because I was fed up with their weirdness.

http://gawker.com/5462117/scientologists-in-haiti-a-firsthand-account

Title: WTF: Woman deported by fake Marshal
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 03, 2010, 06:59:56 AM

Police: Woman deported by fake marshal

03:13 PM PST on Tuesday, February 2, 2010

By JOHN ASBURY
The Press-Enterprise

Authorities are investigating a Hemet man suspected of posing as a United States marshal to kidnap a woman and falsely deport her to the Philippines, according to a Hemet police report. Hemet police arrested Greg Raymond Denny Jr., 37, last month on suspicion of kidnapping and impersonating an officer. Federal authorities also are investigating claims that he used a fake badge to bypass San Diego airport security and put the woman on a plane to her home country, where she remains. Her U.S. immigration status is unclear, even to her.

"The Transportation Security Administration is aware of and reviewing an incident where an individual allegedly presented falsified law enforcement credentials at San Diego's Lindbergh Field," according to a statement from the TSA.

Denny, who is a distant cousin of the woman's husband, Craig Hibbard, is now free on $50,000 bond. Police arrested him three days after the incident when he came in for questioning at the police station, wearing a fake marshal's badge and a replica of a pistol on his hip. Authorities said they aren't sure what the motive was. But Denny told police that Craig Hibbard's father called him to report that the woman was in the country illegally and having problems at their home, said Hemet police Lt. Duane Wisehart. Denny said Monday by phone that the kidnapping claims were false, but did not elaborate.

"I do think the story is true and just took a while for the family to let it sink in and realize something wasn't right," Wisehart said. "I think this guy thought he was doing a favor because they wanted her deported and he went about it the wrong way."

No other arrests have been made or are expected soon, Wisehart said. According to police, Denny entered the woman's home Jan. 15. Wearing a shirt that said "U.S. Marshal," Denny flashed a circled-star badge quickly and declared he was there to deport her, said Hemet police Lt. Mark Richards. Police said Denny handcuffed Cherriebelle Hibbard at gunpoint and took her from the home on Stepstone Court. At the time, Hibbard's family believed Denny was a marshal, even though he refused to show them the immigration paperwork.

Federal marshals are presidentially appointed, and the agency employs about 3,340 deputies and investigators nationwide. Marshals usually are tasked with finding federal fugitives, guarding federal judges and transporting federal prisoners.

Craig Hibbard said in a telephone interview that he agreed to cooperate after Denny threatened to put his wife in jail. Hibbard said he had only met his cousin twice. Three days after his wife, who is a citizen of the Philippines, was put on the plane, he called the U.S. Marshal's Service, and officials told him Denny was not an agent, Craig Hibbard said. After that, he called Hemet police.

"I didn't question it," Craig Hibbard said. "He had the shirt on and a badge and everything. He looked real and had an ID that said, 'U.S. Marshal.' "

The U.S. Marshal's Service is investigating, said spokesman Brian Valladarez. The case is also under review by the Riverside County district attorney's office, which could file charges or refer the case to the U.S. Attorney's office. Hemet police said they have forwarded the case to the San Diego FBI. Special Agent Darrell Foxworth said the FBI could not confirm or deny whether an investigation is under way.

Stuck in Manila
Reached by phone Monday in Manila, Cherriebelle Hibbard, said she doesn't know whether she is allowed to come back to the United States.
Her husband said she is five months pregnant and that they have been married for three years. He said that she canceled her green card last year in a dispute with him, saying she wanted to go home to the Philippines. The couple later reconciled, and she tried to renew her immigration documents prior to the confrontation with Denny, he said. Craig Hibbard said they were told by immigration officials in San Bernardino at the time that the green card was being processed and she was allowed to stay in the United States. Cherriebelle Hibbard said she had never met Denny and didn't realize he was her husband's cousin until after she was deported. She said she had no prior knowledge about the plot to deport her.

"Honestly no. I had no idea. ... He just only knock on door so hard and when he get inside the house, he say, 'Where is she, where is she?' I know I'm the one he's been looking for," Cherriebelle Hibbard said. "I can't do anything about it. I'm pregnant and don't want to take the kids away from my husband."

Denny left with Cherriebelle Hibbard, saying he was going to take the woman to the U.S. Border Patrol station in Murrieta in Southwest Riverside County. He returned with her an hour later, saying border agents wouldn't take his prisoner, according to the police report. He then said he was going to take her to the San Diego airport. Police said Denny forced Craig Hibbard to buy his wife a plane ticket and have his mother drive Denny and Cherriebelle to the airport. Hibbard's mother told police that Denny was wearing his holstered weapon and showed his badge to three airport security officers. He was cleared to proceed through security and put Cherriebelle Hibbard on a plane to San Francisco en route to Manila, according to the police report. Denny told police he walked the woman to the gate, took off the handcuffs and watched her board the plane. At the airport in San Francisco, Cherriebelle Hibbard said she was told by Customs agents that there was no deportation record on file. She said she told them that she had to go to the Philippines because she gave Denny her U.S. entry visa form and she feared going to prison if she didn't comply. Police said Denny returned from the airport to Hemet and left the Hibbard home.

Blown cover
Immigration and Customs Enforcement spokeswoman Lori Haley said she was unfamiliar with the case Monday. Haley said federal marshals do not carry out deportation orders. When an immigration hold is found, only ICE Agents or FBI agents carry out an arrest. The defendant is then permitted to a due process hearing before an immigration issues a deportation order.

Denny was called by Hemet police for questioning Jan. 18. He entered the Hemet police station wearing a fake gun in his holster, with a T-shirt that read "Federal Agent" and the fake marshal's badge around his neck, Lt. Richards said. Denny identified himself as a marshal and offered knowledge related to the agency's leadership organization and his training, Richards said. Police checked Denny's records and found he was never employed by the Marshal's Service or any law enforcement agency. He listed his profession with police as working in fugitive apprehension for Absolute Bail Bonds. Denny admitted to impersonating a marshal and verified the family's account, Richards said. Deputy U.S. Marshal Omar Castillo said impersonating a federal agent usually carries federal felony charges. Though cases of impersonating agents are rare, Castillo said it does occur occasionally.

"It depends on the circumstances surrounding it," Castillo said. "If he's wearing a weapon or a handgun, then he's likely facing serious charges. And if he deported someone, that's basically kidnapping."

http://www.pe.com/localnews/inland/s...3.2abde9d.html

Title: Italian confession
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 07, 2010, 07:17:48 PM

*_Italian Confession_*

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes
twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the
flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest..

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Title: second post
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 07, 2010, 07:36:03 PM

The Deadly Gonorrhea Lectim Strain

The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect them." Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured .... by simply voting out all incumbents! In spite of the perils, Pelosi, Reid and Obama are working in secret legislation to place Gonorrhea Lectim on the endangered species list to assure its survival.

Title: This is your Brain on Drugs
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 08, 2010, 04:48:44 PM

Police: Man tried to buy crack with credit card
2/8/2010, 9:10 a.m. EST

(AP) — FLINT, Mich. - Authorities say a man accused of stealing a car then reporting it stolen remains in custody after telling Flint police he was robbed at gunpoint while trying to buy crack cocaine with a credit card.

The Flint Journal says the man reported Thursday night that a 2003 Chevy Malibu had been stolen. Police reports indicated the vehicle was previously stolen out of Lapeer, about 50 miles north-northwest of Detroit.

The suspect is being lodged at the Genesee County Jail.

http://www.mlive.com/newsflash/michigan/index.ssf?/base/national-105/1265643789306080.xml&storylist=newsmichigan

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 13, 2010, 02:46:48 PM

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Title: Beware of Greeking baring , , ,
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 14, 2010, 04:53:06 PM

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Title: Zamboneheads
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 17, 2010, 12:32:41 PM

Olympic Gold Seekers Hindered by Green Foolery

Marc Sheppard
You may have heard that the men’s 500-meter speedskating event was delayed for over an hour at Monday night’s Olympics. What you probably didn’t hear was exactly why irate skaters, coaches and fans were forced to sit around waiting for the ice to be prepared. It seems that in their zeal to be “environmentally friendly,” the Vancouver Olympic Committee decided to replace the familiar and decades-proven propane-fueled ice-resurfacers, known to ice-sport fans worldwide as Zambonis, with a prototype electric model.

And, as with most business decisions clouded by liberal pressure to “go green,” this turned out to be a bad one.

On Sunday, the women’s 3,000-meter was delayed when one if the green machines dumped water and snow 20-meters from the inside lane’s finishing line. But that was a minor inconvenience compared to Monday, when complaints that the eco-friendly machines had left a huge puddle and visible grooves in the ice brought the proceedings to a crashing halt.

Dutch national team coach Wopke de Vegt was among those complaining even prior to these mishaps that the electric resurfacers were simply unable to keep the ice consistent from one day to the next. Who can blame him? How can champions be crowned or records be booked when the playing field is anything short of even?

Explained chief ice-maker Mark Messer in a Canadian Press interview:
''It's a prototype machine. You're always going to get a few bumps and bruises. It's just unfortunate that it happened this time.''

Unfortunate? Surely other words come to mind when the decision is made to depend upon untested technology for the sole purpose of bolstering the silly green agenda. Particularly for such a momentous event attended by over 80 countries and viewed by tens of millions worldwide daily.

Fortunately, following the 500-meter debacle, the inanity finally sunk in and priorities were quickly realigned. Yesterday, Venue Operations Manager Magnus Enfeldt made the decision to “take the necessary steps” to save the remaining skating events by rushing one of those “environmentally unfriendly” yet ever-faithful gas-powered Zambonis in from Calgary post-haste.

Of course, there’s a lesson to be learned here about replacing time-proven demand-meeting energy technologies with those fueled exclusively by quixotic fantasy.

Unfortunately, such edification will no doubt be lost on those most desperately in need of it.

Page Printed from: http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2010/02/olympic_gold_seekers_hindered.html at February 17, 2010 - 02:32:08 PM CST

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rarick on February 18, 2010, 06:00:34 AM

About the only point I see, is that the olympics require reliability, "prototypes" are not a satisfactory solution. All the rest is polisci.

Edited to try and make myself clearer.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 18, 2010, 06:54:58 AM

I guess, though the headset that leads to this sort of decision making ought to encompass a poli-sci category all its own.

Title: Shakedown: Denied
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 02, 2010, 09:55:36 AM

Heh:
(http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kymphh3iBj1qz4ml7o1_r1_500.png)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 03, 2010, 06:11:19 AM

Can't read it-- too small.

Title: Victoria Jackson of SNL on BHO
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 05, 2010, 08:59:44 AM

There's A Communist Living in the White House!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWi182CMJY8&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Title: Very punny
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 11, 2010, 03:42:58 PM

Puns For Educated Minds

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 22, 2010, 06:32:41 PM

Do you know why gorillas have such big nostrils?

They have big fingers.
===================
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but nobody knows how they got in there in the first place

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rarick on April 11, 2010, 05:39:01 AM

On HWY K near Ogdensburg, WI:

A deer was hit there.
The couch was dumped there previously.
Day two the deer was on the couch.
Day three the end table and lamp showed up.
Day four the TV and TV stand showed up.

The County Cops had to call WI DOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

The cardboard caption in front of the deer on the couch reads,

"Deer Hunters.
Obama ruined healthcare.
We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience,
so I'm staying home!

Sorry,
  "The Deer."

(http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/3805/deerw.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Boyo on April 14, 2010, 04:19:02 PM

Best Movie line ever!!!![youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM[/youtube]

Boyo

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on April 15, 2010, 07:23:14 AM

Sort of a lead into this PJTV vid. Here are the Zombie controllers Boyo

I thought this PJTV Video: "We Report, You Obey: The MSM's Dirty Tea Party Fetish" was interesting and hope you do too.

http://www.pjtv.com/v/3293

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Boyo on April 18, 2010, 11:37:35 AM

Good stuff Freki..Klavan is always a riot!!! :-D

Boyo

Title: Generic Movie Trailer Based on Every Indy Movie Since the '80s
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 18, 2010, 04:18:44 PM

I have flipped past this movie playing on Sundance, I'm sure.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Title: Happy Earth Day
Post by: Freki on April 22, 2010, 09:15:27 AM

Trees have something to say!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIULIJxVr7A[/youtube]

Title: Public Employee of the Year
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 27, 2010, 07:00:20 AM

Via Hulu:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/144719/saturday-night-live-public-employee-of-the-year

Title: 360 Degree Explosion
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 29, 2010, 07:57:31 PM

Amazing panoramic view of the old Cowboy's stadium being demoed in Dallas.

http://gizmodo.com/5517106/what-its-like-to-stand-inside-an-imploding-stadium-[updated]

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: DougMacG on April 29, 2010, 10:03:26 PM

I saw the Taliban outsmarted by the Jewish merchant joke passed around a week or two before it was made infamous by Obama administration National Security Adviser James Jones. I thought about posting it here and decided not to as I realized it wasn't that funny. An armed Taliban fighter would not ask an infidel for water, he would kill and take, and that's not funny. It didn't occur to me that it was offensive for the Jewish merchant stereotype. I'm curious if people found it offensive?

Title: Weird music vid
Post by: Freki on May 10, 2010, 08:08:41 AM

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCFJ3LURCtc[/youtube]

Weird but funny, but weird

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on May 10, 2010, 10:23:44 AM

After the entire context of the joke was made more clear I didn't find it to be big deal actually. It didn't instill a desire in me to strap a bomb on my person and walk into a Federal building and take out as many people as possible.
:wink: :-D

Title: A Little Arcane Humor
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 20, 2010, 09:20:27 AM

It is May 20, after all.

(http://www.sculu.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/b0b35_moe.jpg)
(http://milocat.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/ham.jpg)
(http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/mr_ed3.gif)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 21, 2010, 02:18:23 AM

It took me a moment :oops: but I finally got it :lol:

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 21, 2010, 09:17:07 AM

Thank goodness! I've been waiting for one of the Islamofascist apologists to show up sniveling so I could ask why he didn't see stooge/pork/horse instead and then go on to point out that, as the interpretation is clearly occurring between his own ears, why isn't he condemning himself for having these thoughts that some, including himself, find offensive?

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: G M on May 21, 2010, 09:20:34 AM

I'm glad you were able to work ham in there.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 21, 2010, 09:23:16 AM

Yeah, it was between that and someone humming, so I went with the more likely to annoy anti-freedom zealots.

Title: Re: A Little Arcane Humor
Post by: Shdwdncr on May 24, 2010, 07:21:39 PM

Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on May 20, 2010, 09:20:27 AM

It is May 20, after all.

(http://www.sculu.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/b0b35_moe.jpg)
(http://milocat.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/ham.jpg)
(http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/mr_ed3.gif)

That was clever and funny. LOL

S.

Title: All it takes is a hammer
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 26, 2010, 08:38:40 AM

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=cb6_1274737601

Title: Re: All it takes is a hammer
Post by: Shdwdncr on May 30, 2010, 05:43:02 PM

Quote from: Crafty_Dog on May 26, 2010, 08:38:40 AM

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=cb6_1274737601

I actually feel bad for that poor dude. lol :-D

S.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: isabell on June 02, 2010, 12:14:07 PM

Since bbq season is here ......
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Title: Reading This While Juggling Chain Saws May Result in Sudden Weight Loss
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on June 09, 2010, 10:10:29 AM

Opinion: Wacky Warning Labels Are No Joke

Bob Dorigo Jones
Special to AOL News
(June 8) -- Imagine what would happen if all the warning labels disappeared from our everyday lives. Would the world come to an end, in chaos, with a torrent of lost limbs and explosions? Or would ordinary common sense take over?

After 13 years as host of the annual Wacky Warning Labels Contest, I can testify that there are more labels than ever -- on everything you can possibly imagine, and on some things you can't.

This year's 2010 Wacky Warning Labels Contest finalists tell the tale. We'll be picking the "winners" in a nationally televised poll later this month, but the finalist list always attracts attention.
"Never operate your speakerphone while driving," warns a label on a product called "Drive 'N' Talk."
A motorized go-cart helpfully warns consumers that "this product moves when used."
A bottle of swine growth supplement called "Piglet Blast" cautions, "For animal use only."
The Bluetooth headset alerts its users that "use of a headset that covers both ears will impair your ability to hear other sounds."
And a pair of swim goggles alerts users to the risk of pulling them away from the face, lest they "spring back and cause injury."
Wacky Warning Labels

It's a go-kart, but the manufacturer still felt compelled to warn consumers that it "moves when used," making this one of the wackier warning labels of the year. Click through to see the four other finalists in the 2010 Wacky Warning Labels Contest."

No, we're not making these up. They are real labels on real products. (See the nearby photo gallery.) In past years, we've seen labels that warn users not to use a wart removal product if they "cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." A small LCD panel comes with a caution: "Do not eat the LCD panel." And, of course, my all-time favorite is the stroller that warns parents to "remove child before folding."

There's a flood of ridiculous warning labels and cautionary signs that attach themselves to nearly every item we buy and every service we engage. In the case of mechanical items, ladders, tools and now food, you can usually find multiple warnings.

What causes this warning label overload?

The fear of lawsuits, and the lawyers who promote them, as well as the culture that dictates that someone else is responsible for every mishap.

The fear is real, based on practical experience. We all know about the hot coffee lawsuit against McDonald's. But did you know that McDonald's was also sued over a milkshake? Several years ago, a man went through a drive-through at McDonald's and bought a milkshake and fries. He put the shake between his legs, the fries next to him and drove away. As he reached for the fries, he squeezed the drink between his legs and it spilled on him. Distracted, he rear-ended another car and caused minor damage. Incredibly, the owner of the damaged car sued McDonald's for failing to warn the customer about drinking a milkshake while driving.

This case went all the way to the New Jersey Supreme Court before finally being thrown out for good. But when the restaurant asked to be reimbursed for the thousands it spent on legal fees in this frivolous case, the judge refused. He actually said the plaintiff shouldn't be penalized for being "creative and imaginative." What?!

In another you-gotta-be-kidding-me lawsuit, a man sued a saw manufacturer after injuring himself with an ordinary table saw even though the saw was safe when used properly. He claimed it was defective because it didn't have new, state-of-the-art flesh-sensing technology found only on some of the most expensive saws. A jury actually awarded him $1.5 million.

When we stop laughing at the labels and the lawsuits, we realize this is a serious problem. The real impact of our lawsuit-happy culture can be felt in the quality of life for our families and communities.

A Little League official reported that liability insurance is the single largest expenditure for the entire baseball league. Girl Scouts have to sell tens of thousands of boxes of cookies just to cover liability insurance costs. Critical medical services, like the 20 maternity units that have closed in the Greater Philadelphia area due to medical liability costs, simply vanish from towns across America.

Many of the companies and service providers I interview as the senior fellow at the Foundation for Fair Civil Justice admit that the silly, extreme labels and warnings they attach to products and contracts may not even protect them from lawsuits. The fear of lawsuits in our lawsuit-happy culture, where someone else should pay for any harm, nevertheless fuels the effort.

As we unveil the 2010 Wacky Warning Label Contest winners later this month, our lawsuit-happy culture would benefit from one big warning label on our collective bathroom mirror: "Use common sense while awake."

Bob Dorigo Jones, author of the best-selling "Remove Child Before Folding: The 101 Stupidest, Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever," is the host of the annual Wacky Warning Labels Contest. Complete information is available at www.foundationforfairciviljustice.org/.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Freki on June 25, 2010, 10:29:43 AM

Simple but Brilliant and full of truths! Enjoy!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Title: Bernanke's Desktop
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on July 10, 2010, 08:15:16 AM

Artist's Rendering Of Ben Bernanke's Desktop

(http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user5/imageroot/trichet/Bernanke%20Desktop.jpg)

http://www.zerohedge.com/article/artists-rendering-ben-bernankes-desktop

Title: End of History Ale
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on July 22, 2010, 06:28:04 PM

This is so twisted and nonsensical that it made me cackle in utter disbelief:

Beer to be sold in dead animals

(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01683/beer_1683844c.jpg)

A £500 a bottle super-strong ale is to be sold inside the bodies of dead animals.

Published: 12:51PM BST 22 Jul 2010

A £500 a bottle super-strong ale is to be sold inside the bodies of dead animals. Photo: Universal News And Sport
The stunt has been condemned by animal rights groups as "cheap marketing tactics".
Twelve bottles of The End Of History ale have been made and placed inside seven dead stoats, four squirrels and one hare.
And at 55 per cent volume, its makers claim it is the world's strongest beer.
A taxidermist in Doncaster worked on the animals, which were not killed for bottling the new drink, with some having been killed on the roads.
Outfits featured on some of the animals include a kilt and a top hat.
BrewDog, of Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire, created the ale, which is stronger than whisky and vodka.
The brewer recommend the beer should be served in a shot or whisky glass ''to be enjoyed like a fine whisky''.
The firm's co-founder James Watt said: ''In true BrewDog fashion, we've torn up convention, blurred distinctions and pushed brewing and beer packaging to its absolute limits.
''This is the beer to end all beers. It's an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer, one stuffed animal at a time.
''The impact of The End Of History is a perfect conceptual marriage between taxidermy, art and craft brewing. The bottles are at once beautiful and disturbing - they disrupt conventions and break taboos, just like the beer they hold within them.''
The blond Belgian ale, infused with nettles and juniper berries, was created by BrewDog's brewers by freezing the liquid to separate water from the solution.
The process was then repeated dozens of times, requiring hundreds of litres of beer to be reduced through the process to produce just enough for a 330ml bottle.
BrewDog drew criticism from industry watchdog the Portman Group last year when it unveiled a 32% beer, Tactical Nuclear Penguin.
It has also faced claims that its 18.2 per cent Tokyo beer promoted excess.
In February, the firm launched Sink The Bismarck!, a 41 per cent volume ale.
The End Of History can be bought through the BrewDog website.
But animal campaigners and others hit out at BrewDog's latest offering.
Ross Minett, campaigns director for the charity Advocates for Animals, said: "Using shock tactics to get attention is terribly out of date, especially when this involves exploiting or degrading animals.
"The modern approach is to celebrate the wonders of animals and respect them as individual sentient creatures. I'm sure this would have much greater appeal with the animal-loving public.
"We will be getting in touch with BrewDog to advise them on what people today really think about animals and how a positive caring approach and appreciating live animals is the best way forward."
Barbara O'Donnell, director of services at Alcohol Focus Scotland, said: "This is another example of this company pushing the boundaries of acceptability, all in the pursuit of cheap marketing tactics."
However, Mr Watt argued that criticism of the beer's high strength was "totally misguided".
He said: "This artisan beer should be consumed in small servings whilst exuding an endearing pseudo vigilance and reverence for Mr Stoat.
"The real catalysts for a binge-drinking culture are not well- crafted beers but the monolithic corporate machines that have cultivated a culture of quantity rather than quality amongst UK beer drinkers."
He also responded to criticisms of the packaging of the product and stated: "I can think of no grander way to celebrate these animals than for them to be cherished by the lucky owners.
"The animals used to bottle The End Of History all died of natural causes - better to be celebrated and valued than left to rot."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7904698/Beer-to-be-sold-in-dead-animals.html

Title: Coming Soon to a Restroom Near You
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 07, 2010, 08:40:04 PM

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_G-EWSfJ1PwE/TFhmEJwT7pI/AAAAAAAABfk/7WFLarh_ME8/s1600/obamaautohanddryer1.jpg)

Title: Truth in Advertising
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 11, 2010, 06:43:38 AM

(http://danieljmitchell.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/porkulus.jpg?w=500&h=475)

Title: What do you get if...
Post by: ccp on August 12, 2010, 04:16:05 PM

you have two bullshit artists trying to shit each other:

****Barack Obama 'may be prepared to meet Iranian president’
Barack Obama’s national security adviser, Gen James Jones, has indicated the President may be prepared to meet Mahmoud Ahmadinejad if the regime resumed negotiations over its nuclear programme.

By Robert Winnett in Washington
Published: 10:57PM BST 11 Aug 2010

Gen James Jones, the US National Security Adviser Photo: AP
The retired general also indicated that the return of three American hikers held in Iran for the past year would be an “important gesture”.

Earlier this month, Mr Ahmadinejad requested face-to-face talks with Mr Obama during the UN General Assembly meeting in New York. The White House had appeared to rule out any meeting.

Related Articles
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Obama aide 'sorry' for Jewish joke
EU hits Iran with tough sanctions
UN hits Iran with sanctions over nuclear programme
Barack Obama needs to be forceful in using 'soft power' against Iran
Iran election: Barack Obama refuses to 'meddle' over protestsHowever, in an interview with CNN, Gen Jones said “the door’s open” if the Iranians agree to resume talks with the International Atomic Energy Agency.

When asked whether Mr Obama may meet the Iranian leader, Gen Jones said: “Ultimately if we find a convergence of paths all things are possible.

“One thing they might do is return our three hikers. That would be an important gesture. It could lead to better relations.” However, the President’s national security adviser said there would be “no point in a theatrical meeting.” It is unlikely that the Iranians will agree to the American’s demands as the regime has repeatedly circumvented previous attempts to rein in its nuclear programme.

Earlier this month, Mr Ahmadinejad said he was ready for face-to-face talks.

“We are hopefully coming for the UN assembly,” Mr Ahmadinejad said in an address to expatriate Iranians which was broadcast live on state television.

“We are ready to sit down with Mr Obama face-to-face and put the global issues on the table, man-to-man, freely, and in front of the media and see whose solutions are better. We think this is a better approach.”

In the interview, Gen Jones refused to be drawn on whether military action might be considered against Iran if it fails to comply with international demands.

“I’m not going to speculate on that,” he said.

There are currently extensive UN sanctions against the country.****

answer next post

Title: a nuclear bomb
Post by: ccp on August 12, 2010, 04:16:45 PM

with more on the way.

eom

Title: Why sharks circle before attacking
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 23, 2010, 03:19:32 PM

Why Sharks Circle You before Attacking

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Now you know the rest of the story.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rarick on August 24, 2010, 02:44:46 AM

TAX REFUNDS

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

Ø If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

Ø If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

Ø If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.

Ø If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

Ø If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

Ø If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

Ø If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer, or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me. I’m just glad I could be of help.

Title: Humor/WTF: Roger Federer trick shot - Don't try this at home
Post by: DougMacG on August 25, 2010, 08:43:20 PM

Stick handling, accuracy, balance, concentration, and consistency, this should be in martial arts but I offer it as... WTF?

http://straightsets.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/19/federer-coy-on-trick-shot-video/

"Don’t try this at home."

“I don’t do it that much, but, yeah, it was shot in one piece... the guy took a chance,” “It worked out. I’m happy.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTl3U6aSd2w[/youtube]

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rarick on August 26, 2010, 02:51:12 AM

Reminds me of those NFL fantasty league clips on you tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ymkoh-vKzM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ymkoh-vKzM)

Title: Krugman Rescues Chilean Miners & Saves Economy, Too!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 13, 2010, 06:42:31 PM

Krugman's Excellent Mine Rescue

While I am doing my day job work, I have decided to post a report from Mike Davis, who is Johnny-on-the-Spot with the latest stimulus idea from Paul Krugman. Take it away, Mike!!

On August 7th, 33 Chilean miners were trapped 2300 feet underground. They were located 17 days later. The problem was – how to get them out? The Chilean Government contacted the Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman for advice.

“Keynesian theory dictates that you dig a hole in the ground – a big hole - and that you keep on digging.” The Chilean Government took his advice. Finally, on the 12th of October, the trapped workers were reached and the rescue started. On learning the good news, Paul Krugman was ecstatic. “We have been waiting 75 years. Now, finally, we have an unequivocal vindication of Keynesian economic theory.” He added –“as a further bonus, Keynesian Economic Theory predicts a massive stimulus to the economy when the hole is filled in.”

Flushed with the success of this venture, Paul Krugman was asked whether he saw any domestic application. “Actually, I have already been on the phone to the governors of Kentucky and West Virginia to see if we could dig a hole and rescue workers trapped down a coal mine. Obviously, we cannot deliberately trap workers down a coal mine – we would need volunteers. So far The United Mine Workers of America will endorse the idea provided that the workers are paid extra for overtime, night shifts, and weekend in accordance with the Union Contract. They would also require paid time off for all accumulated breaks while the workers were trapped underground.

In West Virginia the governor suggested that the unemployed could volunteer to be trapped underground. “We have a growing problem with unemployment in the state. This would reduce our unemployment numbers – it is hard to claim that you are “actively looking for work” when you are trapped 2000 feet underground.”

However, this plan has run into stiff resistance from the UMWA and Democrat politicians running for re –election. A Union spokesperson said – “this is union work – all the unemployed would need to join the union.” An anonymous Democrat Congressman was quoted as saying – “kick-backs from union dues are a major source of political contributions to democrats – we are desperate – we need this money now – we don’t have much time left – we are behind in the polls – the election is only weeks away.”

Meanwhile, OSHA has been getting involved – they claim that they will need a plan and will need to review and study the plan before they can give their approval, and this will take time.

The Governor of West Virginia is furious – “our State economy is in the tank and we need this stimulus now, not later. I am going to ask President Obama to sign an Executive order to fast-track this project”.

http://krugman-in-wonderland.blogspot.com/2010/10/krugmans-excellent-mine-rescue.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 13, 2010, 07:08:01 PM

That is wickedly funny.

Title: Nat Lamp Table Book
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 13, 2010, 07:59:21 PM

Second only to Monty Python was the National Lampoon during my formative youth. Gonna have to snag a copy. . . .

Read This Review or . . .
By ANDREW FERGUSON

Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead: The Writers and Artists Who Made the National Lampoon Insanely Great

By Rick Meyerowitz
Abrams, 320 pages, $40

Forgive me if I open on a personal note: The other night I started laughing so hard I had to leave the room. My daughter was trying to study, and I could see she was getting alarmed. It was kind of scary to me, too, if you want to know the truth. For a moment there, as I made it into the bathroom and shut the door, I thought my body was approaching organ failure, not that I know what organ failure feels like, thank God. You hear people say things like "I laughed so hard I cried" and "I nearly fell out of my chair," but I had gone well beyond the crying stage by the time my metabolism began to return to equilibrium. And then I realized that I hadn't laughed so hard in 35 years, since I was a teenager, reading National Lampoon.

American men of a certain age will recall the feeling. What I'd been reading the other night was, no coincidence, National Lampoon—specifically the monologue of a fictional New York cabbie named Bernie X. He was the creation of Gerald Sussman, a writer and editor for the Lampoon from its early days in the 1970s to its sputtering death in 1998. Sussman, it is said, wrote more words for the magazine than any other contributor. I'm sorry I can't quote any of his pieces here. They're filthy.

View Full Image

Courtesy National Lampoon Inc.
If I'd gone ahead and died the other night, my wife would have known whom to sue. "Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead," in which Bernie X appears, is the work of Rick Meyerowitz, himself a valued contributor to the Lampoon who had the bright idea to gather his favorite pieces from the magazine into a handsomely produced coffee-table book. Mr. Meyerowitz is best known as the man who painted Mona Gorilla, a shapely, primly dressed primate with come-hither eyes and a smile far more unsettling than Leonardo's original. That ape may be the most celebrated magazine illustration of the 1970s, its only competition being the Lampoon cover from January 1973. The photograph showed a cowering pup with a revolver to its head next to the timeless tagline: "If You Don't Buy This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog."

As an illustrator, Mr. Meyerowitz has a bias toward pieces with a strong graphic element. This is altogether fitting. The production values of the earliest issues of National Lampoon were rag-tag, but with the hiring of the art director Michael Gross and gifted painters and designers like Mr. Meyerowitz and Bruce McCall, the presentation of a piece of writing on the page became as essential to the joke as the writing itself.

In parodies of everything from comic books to Babylonian hieroglyphs, the Lampoon technique was a dead-on verisimilitude, exquisitely detailed. No matter how absurd the jokes were, how incongruous, abstract, whimsical or—I repeat myself—filthy, they were delivered with the straightest possible face. Great performers, old showfolk say, never let you see them sweat. National Lampoon writers never let you hear them chuckle.

The classic marriage of word and picture, which Mr. Meyerowitz reprints in full, was a 10-page spoof of travel magazines titled "Stranger in Paradise." The soft-focus prose of the travel writer ("Wild fruits hang from the branches, waiting to be plucked") transports us to a lush South Sea island where a "modern day Robinson Crusoe" lives in idyllic retirement. Sumptuous, full-color photographs show him dodging the surf, frolicking with the natives, sunbathing nude on the beach. Our Crusoe is Adolf Hitler, complete with the toothbrush mustache, the penetrating stare and a bottom as pale as a baby's. No one who has seen the sunbathing photograph has ever been able to forget it. I've tried.

Amid the belly laughs was an irony so cool that it could sink to absolute zero. "Making people laugh is the lowest form of humor," said Michael O'Donoghue, who founded the magazine with some Harvard pals in 1969 and later gained TV fame with "Saturday Night Live." And it's true that you—meaning me and my friends —sometimes had trouble finding the joke. Mr. Meyerowitz includes all 12,000 words of a parody by Henry Beard, another founding editor, of a typically grim law-review article. It's called "Law of the Jungle," by which he means the real law of the jungle, covering torts, trusts and property rights as understood by hippos and boa constrictors. With its high rhetoric, labyrinthine arguments and endless footnotes, it is as flawlessly rendered as any parody ever written—so precise that it becomes as tedious as the articles it was meant to send up.

You have to be very good to fail in this way, and nobody could have doubted the vast talent assembled behind that grinning gorilla. In the 1970s, however, old-fashioned moralists (soon to be extinct) complained about a deep vein of nihilism running through the magazine. Out in the suburbs we irony-soaked, pseudo-sophisticated teenage boys could only roll our eyes at the tut-tutting. We knew, or thought we did, that every sex joke in Bernie X's monologues was redeemed by the tonally perfect rendering of the cabbie's patois (I don't think we used the word patois).

But from this distance the justice of the moralists' charge looks glaringly obvious. In their more pompous moments, the Lampoon editors could have defended an appallingly tasteless joke about, say, the My Lai massacre or the Kennedy assassination as an effort to shake the bourgeois out of their complacency. Now it just looks tasteless or worse: an assault on the very notion of tastelessness, on our innate belief that sometimes some subjects should be off-limits.

Tony Hendra, one of the most pretentious of the original editors—quite a distinction in an office full of Harvard boys—writes here of the magazine's "unique high-low style of comedy, incredible disgustingness paired with intellectual and linguistic fireworks." The juxtaposition, as they proved every month and as Mr. Meyerowitz's collection reconfirms, can be side-splitting. The mix is hard to sustain, though, and it makes for a terrible legacy. The high, being so hard to pull off, inevitably fades away, leaving only the low. Gresham's Law—the bad driving out the good—holds true for comedy too.

With a few exceptions—the Onion, a sitcom or two—this seems to be where American humor finds itself now. You have only to wade into the opening minutes of any Will Ferrell movie to be rendered numb by the body-part jokes, unredeemed by the Lampoon's intellectual or linguistic fireworks. The unhappy state of humor today gives this dazzling book the feel of a nostalgic excursion—back to a purer era, when all you had to do to make someone laugh was threaten to shoot a dog.

—Mr. Ferguson is a senior editor at the Weekly Standard.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703726404575533222833017934.html

Title: If it Worked, Then . . .
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 20, 2010, 04:47:46 PM

(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_economic_argument.png)

Title: Pocket Pool?
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 30, 2010, 06:59:18 AM

(http://danieljmitchell.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/stimulus2.jpg?w=500&h=368)

Title: The Next Bubble
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 02, 2010, 07:03:40 PM

(http://www.salon.com/ent/comics/this_modern_world/2010/11/02/this_modern_world/story.jpg)

Title: A Different Kind of Stimulus
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 05, 2010, 07:08:30 PM

I would buy a ton of these just to inflate and leave on the front lawn of Obama supporters. Or fill them with helium and let them just float around. . . .

Barack Obama sex doll for sale in China

(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01752/obama_sex_blowup_1752953c.jpg)

Americans may have fallen out of love with Barack Obama, but the president of the United States is still an object of affection for the Chinese, who have remodelled him as a blow-up sex doll.

By Our Foreign Staff
Published: 11:28AM GMT 03 Nov 2010

The Barack Obama sex doll was exhibited at the recent 8th Sex Culture Festival in the southern city of Guangzhou

A doll wearing a dark blue suit and red tie, and with Mr Obama's face carefully screen-printed onto its head, was exhibited at the recent 8th Sex Culture Festival in the southern city of Guangzhou.

The doll was photographed by Chinese state media nestling behind several other standard plastic female toys.

Mr Obama is widely popular in China, and a "Maobama" t-shirt, bearing an image of his face crossed with a portrait of Chairman Mao, has become a best-seller.

The Guangzhou show, which was only open to adults, cost 30 yuan (£3) to enter and was visited by "tens of thousands" of people, according to a spokesman for the Guangdong Gongchuang Economic Development company, the organisers. One star attraction was a female doll costing 98,000 yuan.

"We do not know which manufacturer produced this doll," the spokesman added.

However, the picture of the Obama doll, which circulated on the Chinese internet, drew an wide array of responses. "How could they place the US president behind those other poorly-made models. He is the head of a big country, after all," wrote one anonymous commentator on the Netease internet forum.

"Why can't we have a Mao Tse-tung toy?" asked anothe

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 05, 2010, 10:11:46 PM

WARNING: OFF COLOR COMMENT FOLLOWS!!!

If it is anatomically correct, one suspects that for ordinarily endowed men the anus may be a bit large for sufficient friction.

Title: From Canada: Talking to Americans
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 07, 2010, 02:20:25 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhTZ_tgMUdo

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: The Tao on November 07, 2010, 09:13:29 PM

@ Guro Crafty...... hahahahahaha! :mrgreen:

Title: If Everyone was as Awful as the RIAA
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 11, 2010, 01:18:41 PM

http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_147_if-other-industries-were-as-evil-as-riaa/

Title: Is this the BJJ school?
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 19, 2010, 06:39:58 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvLOncMKDYc&feature=player_embedded

Title: 4th Amendment Undergarments
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 01, 2010, 08:58:38 AM

Get 'em here:

http://cargocollective.com/4thamendmentdment

(http://c0573862.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/1/2/67190/799609/C%20SCAN%20T-SHIRT.gif)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: bigdog on December 02, 2010, 07:34:34 PM

This is the "appropriate" thread for this. I am 99.99% sure this is fake.

http://www.deadseriousnews.com/?p=573

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent. Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.
According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan. As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down. Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused. Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings. The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up. Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.

A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest.

Title: Humor/WTF - Rare Coincidence
Post by: DougMacG on December 21, 2010, 08:30:33 AM

Both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur
on the same day. As Air America Radio has pointed out, It is an ironic
juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look
to a creature of limited intelligence for prognostication while the other
involves a groundhog.

Title: My blackberry is not working
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 23, 2010, 09:24:19 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: jcordova on December 23, 2010, 08:21:45 PM

LOL!!!! :-D

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: CanisLatrans on December 24, 2010, 07:11:40 PM

There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Vicbowling on January 17, 2011, 02:01:24 PM

Some of these are more creepy than funny but the 'Marker Bandits' definitely get my vote :)

Mug Shot Hall of Fame (http://www.clickorlando.com/slideshow/entertainment/20067310/detail.html)

home security systems (http://www.alarm.com/)

Title: The importance of speaking English properly
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 27, 2011, 10:14:34 AM

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After
being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him
in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, my friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Title: Obama:"Winningthefuture"Palin:"WTF"
Post by: ccp on January 27, 2011, 03:25:19 PM

My opinion of Sarah just skyrocketed with this: :-D

****For Palin, Obama's 'Winning the Future' phrase is WTF
07:50 AMYahoo! BuzzShare
DiggNewsvineRedditE-mailSavePrintShare406
By David Jackson, USA TODAY
Sarah Palin rips President Obama's new slogan, Winning the Future.
CAPTIONBy VALERIE MACON, AFP/Getty ImagesPresident Obama's new slogan is "Winning the Future."

To Sarah Palin, it's "WTF."

Palin used the acronym at least three times last night in discussing Obama's State of the Union speech on Fox News. WTF is also a phone text-driven phrase used to avoid spelling out the f word; it stands for "what the (blank)."

"There were a lot of WTF moments through that speech," the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate told Fox's Greta Van Susteren.

Palin used the phrase in reference to Obama's discussion of the federal debt, and his claim that the U.S. faces a "Sputnik moment" when it comes to technology and innovation challenges from other countries.

Palin also discussed fellow Tea Party favorite Rep. Michele Bachmann, which you can read about on our OnPolitics blog.

Obama used variations of "Winning the Future" several times throughout his speech. At one point, he said: "If we want to win the future -- if we want innovation to produce jobs in America and not overseas -- then we also have to win the race to educate our kids."

The president, by the way, isn't the first politician to use the phrase "Winning the Future."

Palin's fellow Republican Newt Gingrich entitled one of his books Winning The Future: A 21st Century Contract With America.

Palin also said that rather that Sputnik, the nation should declare "a spudnut moment," referring to the name of a Washington state coffee shop: "A family-owned business not looking for government to bail them out and to make their decisions for them. It's just hard-working, patriotic Americans in this shop."****

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on February 02, 2011, 08:54:32 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKf2LBgsuqQ

Title: Mr. Peabody
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 15, 2011, 10:43:16 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU8TbLza3qY

Title: Yogiisms
Post by: ccp on March 12, 2011, 10:33:20 AM

Yogi Berra is also well known for his pithy comments and witticisms, known as Yogiisms. Yogiisms very often take the form of either an apparently obvious tautology, or a paradoxical contradiction.

[edit] Examples
As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half mental."[18]
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."[19]
"It ain't over till it's over." In July 1973, when Berra's Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East; the Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.[20]
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."[21]
On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."[22]
"It's déjà vu all over again". Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s.[23]
"You can observe a lot by watching."[24]
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."[25]
Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."[26]

Title: All Things Considered
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 30, 2011, 01:12:00 PM

(https://www.weeklystandard.com/sites/all/files/images/16-26.Parody.parody.jpg)

Title: Defective Prequels
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 01, 2011, 06:48:50 PM

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2011
Star Wars Prequels Unreasonably Dangerous and Defective, South Carolina Federal Court Finds
Although though we were perplexed to see a federal court address the issue, we can't say we disagree with today's opinion from the U.S. District Court for the Western District of South Carolina, which found that the three Star Wars prequels were "unreasonably dangerous and defective" as a matter of law. See Kurtz v. George Lucas, Lucasfilm Ltd., and Indus. Light & Magic, No. 2011-1138-THX (W.D.S.C. April 1, 2011). After hearing cross motions for summary judgment, the court denied the Lucas Defendants' motion for summary judgment and granted the Plaintiff's motion finding no genuine issue of material fact as to the films' defects.

The facts were these: In 2007, Plaintiff Danny Kurtz found himself at his local video store in Seneca, South Carolina browsing through the racks of new DVDs. His young seven year old son, Milo, pleaded with his father to buy him some action movies. Dutifully acquiescing to the request, Plaintiff bought him the prequels: 1999's The Phantom Menace, 2002's Attack of the Clones, and 2005's Revenge of Sith. At the time of the purchase, neither the Plaintiff nor his son had seen the films. ("Somehow, I made it through the last decade without seeing those movies," the Plaintiff testified at his deposition, although he later acknowledged his familiarity with the films' generally poor reviews.). Although the purchase was "against his better judgment," he relented only because of the joy he felt his child might experience in being introduced to the Star Wars universe, a delight the Plaintiff recalled from his own youth in the early 1980s. After a marathon weekend viewing of all three prequels, the Plaintiff and his son experienced nausea, confusion, light-headnesses, shortness of breath, tinnitus, and a "foreboding sense of ennui."

Plaintiff brought suit individually and on behalf of his minor son against George Lucas and several corporations, asserting various tort theories, including negligence and strict products liability. Plaintiff also asserted a novel "tortious interference with childhood memory" cause of action on his own behalf, arguing that the release of the prequels had destroyed his ability to reminisce his own younger days and his youthful enjoyment of popular culture. (The alienation of affection claims of Plaintiff's spouse, Carrie, were settled for an undisclosed sum.).

In their joint answer, the Lucas Defendants asserted the affirmative defenses of contributory negligence, assumption of risk, unclean hands, and equitable estoppel, essentially arguing that Plaintiff knew or should have known of the films' lack of artistic merit and was thus barred from asserting any tort claims based upon his viewing of same. See In re: The Last Airbender, 523 F. Supp. 2d. 147 (N.D. Ga. 2010); In re: Ishtar Litig., 111 F.2d 102 (9th Cir. 1988).

In denying the defense motion for summary judgment, the court rejected the Defendants' reliance on In re: Bob Dylan Live Performance Litig., 867 F.3d 539 (S.D.N.Y 2006), in which that court held that a once talented artist can devolve and become so well known in the community as a disappointment that damages are not recoverable as a matter of law. See also Shyamalan v. United States, 543 F.3d 129 (6th Cir. 2008). In distinguishing Dylan, the South Carolina court observed that while Bob Dylan's decline had been gradual over a period of years, the decay of the Star Wars franchise was sudden and immediate (and preceded by nearly two decades of engendered good will prior to the prequels' release in 1999).

The court then granted the Plaintiff's motion for summary judgment, noting in a single paragraph order that the films were "unreasonably dangerous and defective as a matter of law."

The case is also notable for a few other procedural rulings made by the court:
The court quashed the Defendants' deposition subpoena to actress Natalie Portman, who the court decided had "already suffered enough."

Finding the issue nonjusticiable and incapable of resolution by the judiciary, the court denied Plaintiff's request to issue a declaration that Han Solo had, in fact, shot first.

Earlier in the case, the court had dismissed Plaintiff's state law Unfair Trade Practices Act claim which was premised upon the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker in the second and third prequels. In so doing, the court noted that the Unfair Trade Practices Act claim was merely an attempt to assert an improper negligent casting cause of action, a claim which the South Carolina Supreme Court had only last year abrogated in the Watchmen litigation. See Moore v. Snyder, 572 S.E.2d 492, 652 S.C. 19 (2009).

The court denied the Defendants' request to consolidate the case with a similar North Carolina matter arising from a Charlotte family's viewing of 2008's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

http://www.abnormaluse.com/2011/04/star-wars-prequels-unreasonably.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: G M on April 01, 2011, 07:14:14 PM

If "episode I" was the first movie, it would have been the last.

Title: Half Million Dollar DoD Fairy Toads
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 06, 2011, 09:07:39 PM

Your tax dollars at work :
Department of Defense (DOD) employees moving into a new building this fall may start their days walking past a sculpture of a toad with a ten-foot fairy on its back. Federal facilities have never been renowned for their challenging public art, but critics have gone on the offensive since it was revealed that the piece, one of four finalists for the site’s installation, would cost $400,000-$600,000 and would be viewed largely by the same group of about 2,500 employees each day.
Granting that the psychic value of seeing a toad with a ten-foot fairy on its back on a daily basis on the nation’s security is incalculable, the price seems a tad high.
The story seems to have started circling in late March, and this version of the story at US News makes me wonder if it’s not some bizarre April Fool’s joke:
A $600,000 frog sculpture that lights up, gurgles “sounds of nature” and carries a 10-foot fairy girl on its back could soon be greeting Defense Department employees who plan to start working at the $700 million Mark Center in Alexandria, Va. this fall.
But the Alexandria News , which broke the story March 30th, was still running stories on this April 2.
Via Christian Bleuer, who quips, “To be fair to the DoD, giants toads being ridden by fairies are probably more deploy-able than the F-22″

(http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/fairy-toad-sculpture1-510x570.jpg)

Title: Avalanche POV
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 25, 2011, 08:52:25 AM

Don't know where else to put this. POV vids of a guy surviving an avalanche and the gear that let him do so:

http://www.trailspace.com/blog/2011/04/25/video-airbag-avalanche.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF, A Clapper Caper, Jack Web, Johnny Carson
Post by: DougMacG on April 25, 2011, 09:47:31 AM

BBG, Amazing life saving device, but don't get over-confident up there!
--------------

Switching subjects with no smooth transition...

With Clapper (our limited intelligence director) and Kloppenburg (Wisc supreme court candidate) in the news, it may be time to revisit the Clapper Caper with Jack Webb and Johnny Carson.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4pWBJiW0Xpo

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 25, 2011, 03:37:04 PM

The "Survival" thread would seem like a good choice :-)

Title: Physics Breakthrough
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 26, 2011, 08:17:01 PM

BREAKING–Scientific discovery may disprove Planck Time
Humor
Must Credit Sharp as a Marble

Bayard WY – Using recent advances in imaging technology, researchers have claimed that new data indicates measurements of time may exist below the Planck Time. The Planck Length (ℓP) is the scale at which classical ideas about gravity and space-time break down and the distance a photon can travel 1ℓP in a complete vacuum is considered the smallest unit of time that has any meaning.

Research Scientist Ken Uheerme who lead the project said in a prepared statement “We have reason to believe, after pouring through recent events and volumes of data, that there exists a span of time shorter than the Planck Time that is clearly measurable and has meaning. Where we used to consider 10-43 seconds as the shortest time span possible, it has come to our attention that the time between a tragic event and the media blaming that event on Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, or the Tea Party is considerably shorter.

“Using some of the latest in Twitter and YouTube technology, we can compensate for the lag in digital signal and the time for propagation and it is clear that the instant desire to blame the ‘other side’ for any horrific event is not instantaneous as we once thought but rather delayed by 10-76 seconds of time.”

Uheerme coined this measurement as “Median Blame Time” as he said there may be even shorter timeframes that cannot be measured due to limits in technology and the delay time built into CNN and MSNBC’s brodcasts.

Scientists conclude that if these new findings are correct, they will have implications on the field of quantum mechanics and how they relate to the 24 hour news cycle and the blogosphere. “Clearly, we will have to reconsider our calculations in light of this new data, “ claimed Rod Dungsly, lead researcher at Moregood Community College. “Previously, the technology available to us didn’t let us measure such short periods of time, but that was before Sarah Palin. The original measurement of Blaming Bush was roughly 10-40 seconds, well within the bounds of Planck Time.”

Not everyone is convinced of the findings though. Marshall Wiznowsky, a nationally renowned theoretical physicist, claims that causality may be the culprit. “It is generally considered that every event has a cause, but in this instance, the blame may have already been assigned before the event takes place. The delay may only be in perception of how fast the talking heads on TV can assign it, not how fast they came to to conclusion that the swarthy, Middle Eastern looking man in the turban yelling “Die you infidel pigs!! ALLAH AKBHAR!” with the machine gun was clearly a member of the Tea Party who listens to Rush Limbaugh.”

Members of the Main Stream Media could not be reached for comment as they were already covering a tragedy that should happen next week.

http://blog.robballen.com/2011/01/10/p4513-breakingscientific-discovery-may-disprove-planck.post

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: JDN on April 29, 2011, 09:40:06 AM

They can't be serious so it must be humor.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/04/29/animal-academics-using-the-word-pet-insults-your-pet-er-companion/?hpt=T2

Title: Re: Humor/WTF, pet or companion
Post by: DougMacG on April 29, 2011, 10:44:46 AM

Sorry JDN, but I believe that piece was serious. I see people treat their pet the way the wish they could treat their spouse, endless commands, scolding, even obedience school! It is a companion not a pet and as a living thing, it is your equal. (That is what I think they are saying.) National pet (whoops companion) health insurance is next. (We already have pet protections that far exceed those for a certain class of human life.)

Title: Don't Boost Beer Wearing Baggy Britches
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on May 02, 2011, 08:36:41 AM

Fail:

http://www.theledger.com/article/20110429/NEWS/110429290/0/news01

Title: Mirage?
Post by: G M on June 29, 2011, 12:31:51 PM

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2008161/Ghostly-mirage-appears-river-Huanshan-City-China.html

Ghostly apparition of entire city appears over Chinese river... but is it just a mirage?

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2008161/Ghostly-mirage-appears-river-Huanshan-City-China.html

Title: Barack Hussain Obama in Hebrew
Post by: ccp on July 14, 2011, 12:55:25 PM

BROCK at alah add annoy

Title: St. Pelosi
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 29, 2011, 09:20:06 PM

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C , an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views.

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."

Title: Now that is ironic
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 07, 2011, 02:16:08 PM

Economist who forecasts state finances filed for bankruptcy

David Berns

Economic Forum Chairman John Restrepo listens to gloomy forecasts for the Nevada economy during a January 2010 hearing at the Legislature.

The economist who helps predict how much money state government can expect to fund its budget has declared personal bankruptcy, telling the Sun he didn't foresee his own financial meltdown.

John M. Restrepo, chairman of the five-member State Economic Forum, filed for bankruptcy protection in November, citing $905,000 in debt and $360,000 in assets.

In the wake of his filing, Restrepo had to complete an Internet course on personal financial management offered by a nonprofit consumer credit counseling agency.

Restrepo's bankruptcy, triggered by the collapse of his Las Vegas consulting business, symbolizes the depth of the recession in Southern Nevada, which has hit blue-collar and white-collar workers alike and has also struck the state's government and corporate elite.

"I guess like all of us, who could have predicted the depth of this recession?" Restrepo said Friday. "We knew there was (an economic) correction coming. I saved some money for a recession but not for the depth of this depression in Southern Nevada and the impact it had on our clients and our company. I tried to do the best I can to continue to pay off all of the smaller local vendors I can."

Despite his personal bankruptcy, Restrepo's company, Restrepo Consulting Group LLC, remains in operation and continues to produce economic forecasts and market studies for state and local governments as well as developers and casino operators. He said demand for consultants declined with the recession as his two main clients during his 22 years in Southern Nevada -- government and the development industry -- no longer needed his services.

"Our revenues were dramatically impacted because those firms haven't used us anymore because nothing's being developed, and the budget cuts of state and local governments have cut back dramatically on the use of consultants," Restrepo said.

He reported average monthly income of $3,505.88, according to the November court filing. His spouse, Elvira Gaensslen, lists her occupation for the past three years as a real estate agent. She reported average monthly income of $4,468.95 for a combined monthly total of $7,974.83 for the couple. They reported average monthly expenses of $8,007.57.

The couple walked away from their 2,522-square-foot home on Via Delores Avenue in Las Vegas, which they purchased for $399,900 in 2007, according to the Clark County Assessor's office. The current value of the couple's interest in the house was listed at $225,000 against a secured claim of $379,500 held by Bank of America, according to the bankruptcy filing.

Restrepo listed debts of $36,972.52 for an American Express business credit card; $27,864.21 for a Chase Visa business credit card; $24,277.55 to Chicago Title Agency, NV Inc. for office rent; $7,163.52 to Office Equipment Finance Services for a copier lease; $121,427.76 on a business loan from SMS Financial; and $225,000 on a note held by his ex-wife and business partner, Nancy Schult, who owned 49 percent of Restrepo Consulting. He is in the process of buying out her share of the company and continues to make spousal support payments.

Restrepo first realized about a year ago that he might have to file for bankruptcy. He tapped into his personal savings and retirement funds to pay employees, depleting both as he hoped the economy would rebound before he was forced to lay off employees. At the height of the economy he had as many as eight employees. Now he has one half-time employee in addition to paying multiple freelance consultants.

Individuals and businesses can file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection, as Restrepo did, which provides a fresh financial start for individuals, although not all debt is wiped off the books. Debt for certain taxes, fraudulently incurred credit card debt, child support and alimony and most student loans must still be repaid. The bankruptcy law that took effect in October 2005 limits Chapter 7 as an option for many Americans: those deemed by a "means test" to have at least $100 a month left over after paying certain debts and expenses will have to file a 5-year repayment plan under the more restrictive Chapter 13.

Nevada led the nation in personal bankruptcy filings with 10.8 per 1,000 people during the 12 months ended March 31, according to U.S. Bankruptcy Court figures. Georgia was second with 8.9 filings per every 1,000. Most business and nonbusiness bankruptcies in the 12 months ended March 31 were Chapter 7 liquidations, according to the court.

Terms of the bankruptcy resolution required Restrepo to undergo debt counseling, which he received from Consumer Credit Counseling Services of Southern Nevada, according to the court filing. In December, he received a certificate of debtor education for completing a Internet course on personal financial management offered by Consumer Credit Counseling Service of Nevada and Utah.

"In a really weird way (bankruptcy has) given me a deep appreciation of what many small businesses have gone through considering the depth and breadth of this recession," said Restrepo, noting that his company has not missed any payments to local vendors and subcontractors. "Understanding the struggles of these small businesses has helped me understand what it's going to take for these small businesses to recover. It's really related to small business job growth. That's all folded into my forecasting."

Title: BREAKING NEWS: Libya recognizes UK rioters as official government of the UK
Post by: DougMacG on August 09, 2011, 09:47:25 PM

Satire from Wikileaks twitter feed

Title: The Recession - how bad is it?
Post by: DougMacG on August 16, 2011, 06:39:23 PM

The recession has hit everybody really hard...
(Maybe this could have gone under Economics)

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the debt ceiling, the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Inbread Cat
Post by: Rachel on August 25, 2011, 07:53:50 AM

Inbread Cat

(http://www.freepostia.com/fimages/348oeBgQ_image.jpg)

Title: Re: Inbread Cat
Post by: G M on August 27, 2011, 12:26:34 PM

Quote from: Rachel on August 25, 2011, 07:53:50 AM

Inbread Cat

(http://www.freepostia.com/fimages/348oeBgQ_image.jpg)

The Japanese make strange sandwiches!

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Rachel on August 27, 2011, 08:08:36 PM

(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTYWFtjBJPA5ul0KaJ_uTysEu0Jc3YOoqZhN9xoowyjMpY1Rce-)

(http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRcakebhDVKYHmMFj0IFnRbHZXuVPz8pk85yZ0Kks9Zha6mE_-TcQ)

Title: Save the boobies!
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 05, 2011, 05:43:55 PM

The normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o) Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers \./\./And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.). We love them all!. Post this message on your wall and say ┌П┐(•_•)┌П┐ to breast cancer. Save the boobies !!!

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on September 24, 2011, 12:24:53 PM

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012&w=160&h=140&imgurl=www.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&size=&name=search&rcurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2Fimages%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dguinness%2Bworld%2Brecords%2B2012%23focal%3Df3de0cf5683cfdc0d7b8055448fc1dca%26furl%3Dhttp%253a%252f%252fwww.2artville.com%252fwp-content%252fuploads%252f2011%252f09%252fGuinness_World_Records_2012-0001.jpg&p=guinness+world+records+2012&type=&no=1&tt=114&oid=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fimages%2Fthumbnail.aspx%3Fq%3D1281134494454%26id%3D8cbbeaaa853f25cfd5234c469777c6ca&tit=Stunning+Guinness+World+Records+2012+%7C+2ArtVille.com&sigr=16kmn2dvq&sigi=16dgoe8a1&sigb=125fmjdom&fr=yfp-t-701

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 24, 2011, 01:04:49 PM

She should try out for that TV show "The L word".

Title: Where that satellite really landed
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 31, 2011, 09:16:52 AM

http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/

Title: Patrice O'Neal, RIP
Post by: G M on November 30, 2011, 09:12:08 AM

**Patrice was one of my favorite current comics. A really sharp mind, brutally funny.

Patrice O'Neal dead at 41; comic had suffered a stroke in October

November 29, 2011 | 1:15pm

Comedian Patrice O'Neal died Tuesday morning from complications of a stroke he suffered on Oct. 19. "Many of us have lost a close and loved friend," his rep said in confirming the news. "All of us have lost a true comic genius."

The veteran New York-based stand-up comic was 41.

O'Neal was a familiar face on Comedy Central -- getting a lot of attention during his ribald turn (that means watch out for the cuss words if you click) on "The Roast of Charlie Sheen" in September -- as well as a frequent guest on the "Opie & Anthony" radio show.

The radio show broke the news in late October that O'Neal, a diabetic, had suffered a stroke the previous week.

"One of a kind. In heaven right now, charming half and infuriating half, then reversing," tweeted Colin Quinn, host of Comedy Central's defunct "Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn," which had regularly featured O'Neal.

Fellow comic and close friend Jim Norton posted a picture of himself and O'Neal online Tuesday, captioning it, "I couldn't possibly love a friend more than I love you. Goodbye brother."

"Yes it's true that our pal Patrice O'Neal has passed away," Opie and Anthony said via Twitter. "The funniest and best thinker i've ever known PERIOD. #devastated." The show posted a video link on its Facebook page, sending people to what they called O'Neal's "greatest laugh ever."

The 6-foot-5 O'Neal reportedly got his first taste of stand-up at Estelle's in Boston when he was heckling a comic who then invited him to come onstage and see if he could better. "The following week he went on stage at Estelle's and brought down the house," according to his Comedy Central bio.

His final performance was at the Charlie Sheen roast.

"Patrice had that rare 'light' around him and inside of him," the actor said Tuesday via Twitter. "I only knew him for the few days leading up the roast. Yet I will forever be inspired by his nobility, his grace and his epic talent. My tears today are for the tremendous loss to his true friends and loving family."

O'Neal is survived by his wife Vondecarlo, stepdaughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder and mother Georgia, his rep told TMZ.

Title: mustache makes the man
Post by: bigdog on December 07, 2011, 02:15:16 AM

http://flavorwire.com/238333/mustaches-make-the-man

Title: Raccoon .v .22
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on December 14, 2011, 09:29:32 AM

My sense of humor is pretty warped, but this had me snickering pretty good:

http://kenthomas.us/?p=408

Title: WoW and CHUCK NORRIS!!!
Post by: bigdog on December 15, 2011, 10:32:03 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKaIlT_lK1s

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 16, 2011, 05:58:47 AM

BBG, that racoon story is a crack up. :lol:

Title: Interesting Chain of Events
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on January 07, 2012, 11:56:44 AM

Felon Steals Gun, Accidentally Kills Himself, Estate Sues Owner and Gun Manufacturer
Eugene Volokh • January 6, 2012 10:29 pm

But I’m happy to say that today’s Ryan v. Hughes-Ortiz (Mass. App. Ct. Jan. 6, 2012) throws out the lawsuit:

In November, 2001, [Charles] Milot was released on probation from the Billerica house of correction after an incarceration of about eighteen months. [Thomas] Hughes testified in his deposition that he helped Milot to get reestablished by loaning him a small amount of money and giving him odd jobs to do around his house. [During the pendency of this action, Hughes died, and his daughter, Hughes-Ortiz, was substituted as a party defendant.] Hughes knew Milot through Milot’s sister, Deborah McConologue, and her husband, whom Hughes had known for twenty years. Hughes was aware of Milot’s history of substance abuse, prior depression, and the loss of Milot’s driver’s license.

In his deposition, Hughes testified that he owned several firearms that he stored in a chest in a second-floor bedroom. The bedroom was kept locked and had been outfitted with barred windows. Hughes testified that he kept the keys to this bedroom in a vase on top of the fireplace.

One of the firearms that Hughes owned was a Glock pistol. Hughes purchased the Glock pistol and its storage container in 2000 from the widow of a former Boston police officer. Hughes testified in his deposition that he stored the unloaded pistol as well as its magazine in its storage container in a chest drawer in the same bedroom where his other guns were stored....

In her deposition testimony, McConologue reported that, at a family event held on February 23, 2002, Milot showed her two handguns and two loose cartridges ... [and] told her that he got them from Hughes’s house. She further testified that Milot told her that he found the key in Hughes’s house for the locked bedroom door, unlocked the door, and found the guns, ultimately taking them from Hughes’s home. McConologue testified that she advised her brother to call Hughes and return the pistols to him, that Milot did not want to tell Hughes that he had taken the guns, but that Milot agreed to put them back the way he had found them.

On February 25, 2002, Hughes picked up Milot around 7:00 A.M. and brought Milot to his house. Once they were at Hughes’s house, Hughes showed Milot the front doorbell that he wanted Milot to repair. Hughes then left his house to run some errands, returning to check on Milot’s progress about two hours later. When Hughes returned home, he found Milot’s body covered with blood in the front doorway of his home. The police and an ambulance were called and upon their arrival, Milot was pronounced dead. An autopsy was performed, and it was determined that Milot had suffered a gunshot wound to his left thigh which severed the femoral artery and caused Milot to bleed to death.... Police speculated that “[a]pparently the victim was attempting to put the gun back in the container when the round was fired, striking the victim in the upper left leg.... The victim apparently walked out of the bedroom, down the front stairs, into the living room, used the telephone and walked to the front door where he collapsed and died.” ...

Milot, through an affirmative act of theft in violation of G.L. c. 266, § 30, stole a firearm from the home of Hughes, the owner, who had placed trust in him. We conclude that public policy dictates that Milot’s criminal conduct acts as a bar to recovery. See, e.g., Flanagan v. Baker, 35 Mass.App.Ct. 444, 448–449 (1993) (“A ‘burglar who breaks his leg while descending the cellar stairs, due to the failure of the owner to replace a missing step’ ... could be denied recovery for public policy considerations”); Driscoll v. Board of Trustees of Milton Academy, 70 Mass.App.Ct. 285, 291–292 (2007) (student who committed statutory rape violated the law as well as “social values and customs” and “may not recover in tort against the school for his own sexual misconduct”)....

Our conclusion is further buttressed by Restatement (Second) of Torts, and Milot’s criminal acts — stealth of the pistol, and violation of 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(1) (2006), which bars the possession of firearms and ammunition by convicted felons.... Milot’s actions constitute the sort of conduct described in Restatement (Second) of Torts § 889 comment b (1977), whereby a plaintiff is “barred from recovery for harm caused by violation of [a] statute ... [where] the harm resulted from a risk of the type against which the statute was intended to give protection.” See § 889 comment b, supra, illustration 5.... n enacting the Gun Control Act of 1968 (which includes 18 U.S.C. § 922[g][1], of which Milot was in violation), Congress sought to “curb crime by keeping ‘firearms out of the hands of those not legally entitled to possess them because of age, criminal background, or incompetency.’ In order to accomplish this goal, Congress obviously determined that firearms must be kept away from persons, such as those convicted of serious crimes, who might be expected to misuse them.” See also Barrett v. United States, 423 U.S. 212, 218 (1976) (“Congress ... sought broadly to keep firearms away from the persons Congress classified as potentially irresponsible and dangerous”)....

The plaintiff brought claims of breach of the implied warranty of merchantability, negligence, wrongful death, and unfair and deceptive acts and practices against Glock.... The judge granted summary judgment on all claims after finding that the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act, 15 U.S.C. §§ 7901–7903 (2006) (PLCAA or Act) barred the plaintiff’s claims against Glock....

The plaintiff alleges that the Glock pistol and gun case “were defective because the [gun] case caused the loaded Glock ... pistol ... to discharge through the case and because the pistol was likely to discharge unintendedly” and that “Glock so negligently and carelessly designed the Glock Model 17 pistol and storage case ... that the pistol discharged into the Decedent’s body mortally wounding the Decedent.” The plaintiff’s claims of breach of the implied warranty of merchantability and design defect are thus based on the interaction between the Glock pistol and the gun case. We now consider whether the claims, as formulated by the plaintiff, are barred by the PLCAA....

[The PLCAA presumptively bars “any] civil action or proceeding ... brought by any person against a manufacturer ... of a qualified product, ... for damages, punitive damages, ... abatement, restitution, fines, or penalties, or other relief, resulting from the criminal or unlawful misuse of a qualified product by the person or a third party....” ... The parties do not dispute that the Glock pistol is a “firearm” and therefore a “qualified product” under the PLCAA .... [Plaintiff argues that] the gun case is not a qualified product, and thus the PLCAA does not bar her suit against Glock[, but a]s this argument was not made in the trial court in the first instance, the argument is waived. We express no opinion as to whether the PLCAA would preclude or permit a future plaintiff to bring claims involving the interaction between qualified and nonqualified products.

The final element of the definition of a “qualified civil liability action” is that the civil action “result[ed] from the criminal or unlawful misuse of a qualified product by the person or a third party.” The Act defines “unlawful misuse” to mean “conduct that violates a statute, ordinance, or regulation as it relates to the use of a qualified product.” The plaintiff argues that “[t]he PLCAA is inapplicable because there was no evidence supporting the conclusion that the gun was misused, whether criminally, unlawfully or otherwise.” ... [But] in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(1), Milot possessed a firearm and ammunition after having been convicted of a felony. Since the civil action at issue here resulted from Milot’s possession of the Glock pistol, which constituted “criminal or unlawful misuse” due to Milot’s prior felony conviction, this is a “qualified civil liability action.” ...

http://volokh.com/2012/01/06/felon-steals-gun-accidentally-kills-himself-estate-sues-owner-and-gun-manufacturer/

Title: Higgs Boson
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 13, 2012, 10:40:28 AM

Higgs Boson goes to Catholic church, and the Priest tells him that he is not wanted. Higgs Boson says that the Priest must be mistaken, as there won't be a Mass without him.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: CanisLatrans on July 13, 2012, 11:47:10 AM

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post
turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post
turtle'. Have you ever seen one?

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued
to explain:

"You know he didn't get up there by himself,
                he doesn't belong up there,
                    he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
                    he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and
                     you just wonder what kind of dumb jerk  put him up
                        there to begin with."

Title: Fight for kisses
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 29, 2012, 03:02:59 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=YnBvfVJu8-U&feature=endscreen

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: C-Yo Dog on October 01, 2012, 09:14:37 PM

Suppose this could go in the martial arts section but I did say WTF when they pulled out the cucumber.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcv381pDS4w&feature=player_embedded

Title: how old do you think I am
Post by: Stickgrappler on October 11, 2012, 07:12:00 AM

Quote from: C-Yo Dog on October 01, 2012, 09:14:37 PM

Suppose this could go in the martial arts section but I did say WTF when they pulled out the cucumber.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcv381pDS4w&feature=player_embedded

Woof C-Yo Dog,

yikes! thx!

----------------------------

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?’

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this
burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, ' Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when
I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old
you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am
I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could
you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 14, 2012, 08:53:47 PM

"So I'm at Tesco buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard."

Title: Know Your Target & What's Beyond
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 31, 2012, 04:32:13 PM

Blaze kills Saudi Arabia wedding guests

Women and children perish in Eastern Province after celebratory gunfire brings down power line, local media say.

Last Modified: 31 Oct 2012 12:33

Women and children perished in Tuesday night's fire in Ain Badr village of Eastern Province.

At least 25 people have been killed by electric shock in a wedding in eastern Saudi Arabia, civil defence officials and local media say.

Celebratory gunfire brought down an electric cable at a house in Ain Badr village where the wedding was held on Tuesday night, Abdullah Khashman, an Eastern Province official, said.

Thirty others were injured in the incident near Abqaiq, a centre of the Saudi energy industry.

Some Saudi media reports said the blaze erupted inside a tent, killing at least 23 women and children. The kingdom's conservative codes require genders to be separated at most public events, including weddings.

The media cited civil defence officials as saying that celebratory gunfire brought down a power line that touched off the fire.

However, Reuters news agency quoted Khashman as saying: "At the wedding, the cable fell on a metal door and the 23 people who died were all electrocuted."

The victims were reportedly trying to escape through the door, the only exit from the courtyard, when they were killed.

All those killed were from the same tribe, Khashman said.

Saudi Arabia last month banned the shooting of firearms at weddings, a popular tradition in tribal areas of the country.

Prince Mohammed bin Fahd, Eastern Province's governor, ordered an investigation into the incident, the official Saudi Press Agency reported.

In July 1999, 76 people died in a similar incident in the Eastern Province.

Forty-three women and children were killed at a wedding in neighbouring Kuwait in 2009 when a fire engulfed a tent.

The ex-wife of the groom said she started the fire to avenge her former husband's "bad treatment" of her.

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/middleeast/2012/10/2012103192352586941.html

Title: Humor/WTF: German assault with deadly weapon(s)
Post by: DougMacG on November 27, 2012, 09:41:59 AM

An apparently true news story? Should go in self defense / DLO threads:

http://www.yourjewishnews.com/Pages/24114.aspx

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-tried-to-kill-boyfriend-with-dd-1450638

"I wanted your death to be as pleasant as possible."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 27, 2012, 08:50:53 PM

http://blogs.seattletimes.com/today/2012/11/king5-alligators-found-guarding-olympia-marijuana-grow/

Title: Ten years makes a difference
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 03, 2012, 01:55:00 PM

Ten years ago we had..........

Steve Jobs
Bob Hope
Johnny Cash

Now, we have...............

No jobs
No hope
No cash

Title: Hospital Chart Bloopers
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 05, 2012, 01:16:55 PM

Hospital Chart Bloopers
1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (That is one extensive examination!)

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Title: Secure the building
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 12, 2012, 08:38:30 AM

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 10, 2013, 08:45:04 AM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some shotgun loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There, for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

Title: stupid is as stupid gets
Post by: Stickgrappler on April 12, 2013, 11:08:53 AM

(http://quicklol.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/stupid-fat-idiot-criminal.gif)

Title: Would you like to buy a tie?
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 28, 2013, 08:09:28 PM

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a
very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display
rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such
an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny
little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my
energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life
and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the
ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!”

Title: Russian ad
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 19, 2013, 05:19:28 PM

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375

Title: Only on MSLSD
Post by: ccp on June 20, 2013, 09:06:47 PM

Conversation between Chris Matthews, Eugene Robinson, and Howard Fineman. I laughed my head off reading this so therefore I felt it belonged in this thread:

*****MSNBC: Obama and Merkel Are the New 'Ronnie and Maggie'; Matthews Sees Conspiracy to Push Hillary 2016

Published: 6/19/2013 6:22 PM ET

to Scott Whitlock

By Scott Whitlock

MSNBC's Chris Matthews and his liberal guest on Wednesday thrilled over the relationship between Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Washington Post writer Eugene Robinson even compared them to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher: "I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie...They can be kind of a dynamic duo." (Of course, Reagan and Thatcher oversaw huge economic recoveries and the end of the Cold War.) [MP3 audio here.]

Highlighting Obama's speech in Germany, Matthews saw a secret plan to promote Hillary Clinton. After mentioning Thatcher, plus other famous female leaders, he wondered "whether this partnership between our president...isn't that a leading indicator?" Matthews theorized, "I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in."

One detail Matthews and Robinson did not harp on: In 2008, Obama's Berlin speech drew 400,000. In 2013, the President managed a mere 4,500.

A partial transcript of the June 19 segment follows:

5:03

[On the relationship between Barack Obama and Angela Merkel.]

EUGENE ROBINSON: He has gotten along very well with Merkel. There is a relationship there.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: What is that relationship?

ROBINSON: You know, I wondered about that. I wondered if it isn't what he started with. We don't look like the normal-

HOWARD FINEMAN: Outsiders.

ROBINSON: – They're kind of outsiders. She's from the east. He's She's– He's African-American.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that being from the east is also like a minority.

ROBINSON: Exactly. Exactly. They're both outsiders who are now leading these societies. I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie. I mean, they're kind of– They can be kind of a dynamic duo.

FINEMAN: I feel a column coming on. I feel a column coming on.

MATTHEWS: In other words, the way we used to do it, Reagan would be nice to the queen and to Thatcher and then George senior-- Bush would become friends with Helmut Kohl, sort of the establishment, old boys club. And yet, here he's saying this is not an old boys club. This is something of the outsiders who are now on the inside who should rally the outsiders of the world. He's saying to Germany, "look out for the poor people of the world. Don't just be Germany."

FINEMAN: He's basically saying, look, as I say, the Germans and I've spent a lot of time there. They're very conflicted at best about their own history. They've seen the downside of empire, as well as the glory of it. and the pain and the horror of it. They don't want this necessarily. The German people don't want it. But what the president is saying is, it's okay. Look to your good history.

...
5:09

MATTHEWS: Most of the world leaders in our lifetime– in the last ten million years– have been men. Sometimes we've seen really good women leaders come to fore. Certainly, Golda Meir was fabulous. Right? Certainly, Margaret Thatcher for the British mind, especially, was great, not necessarily for the coal miners but great for the country and its spirit. Certainly Indira Gandhi was a great leader. I'm thinking now whether Angela Merkel is on this level and whether this partnership between our president and her so vividly displayed with the hand over the back, sort of a pal kind of thing going on, isn't that a leading indicator, I think avatar may be appropriate here, of a Hillary Clinton leadership role? I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in.

ROBINSON: That's an interesting way of looking an the it. Gee, maybe if Hillary runs, maybe he'll support her.

MATTHEWS: That's what I'm getting to. Don't you know what I'm getting to? You think Joe Biden likes that picture?

Title: Share the pain!
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 24, 2013, 01:42:42 PM

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Title: Best math-science pranks
Post by: DougMacG on June 30, 2013, 09:11:19 PM

Let ρ=A. Is it possible to extend isomorphisms? We show that D′ is stochastically orthogonal and trivially affine. In [10], the main result was the construction of 𝔭-Cardano, compactly Erdős, Weyl functions. This could shed important light on a conjecture of Conway-d’Alembert.

- 'The Best Science Pranks Ever Pulled', the one above is a Randomly-Generated Math Paper Accepted by a Math Journal
http://thatsmathematics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/mathgen-1389529747.pdf
http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/random_math_paper_accepted_to_journal.html?state=stop

More links at the links.

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/homemade_nuclear_reactor.html?state=stop

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/dihydrogen_monoxide.html?state=stop
Regular readers are well aware that dihydrogen monoxide -- H2O -- is water. But apparently many residents of Lee County, Florida are not. Just this past April Fools' day, two Florida deejays warned their listeners that dihydrogen monoxide was leaking from faucets across the state. Panic ensued, and the water utility was flooded with calls from concerned citizens, so many, in fact, that they were forced to issue a public statement.

Title: take a guess gay pride parade or UFC?
Post by: ccp on July 19, 2013, 06:56:31 AM

trust me. I wouldn't say it to their faces:

http://sports.yahoo.com/photos/ufc-162-silva-vs-weidman-photo-000342189--mma.html

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on July 29, 2013, 09:07:24 AM

http://funnie.st/280728/fully-grown-adults-recreate-their-childhood-photos/

Title: How Bad is the Ammo Shortage?
Post by: DougMacG on August 06, 2013, 10:32:35 AM

Ammo is getting scarce! But this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

(http://1-ps.googleusercontent.com/h/www.powerlineblog.com/admin/ed-assets/2013/08/267x400ximage0022.jpg.pagespeed.ic.6bMo9q04jL.jpg)

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

(http://3-ps.googleusercontent.com/h/www.powerlineblog.com/admin/ed-assets/2013/08/538x359ximage0033.jpg.pagespeed.ic.nk12rvYh0y.jpg)

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2013/08/how-bad-is-the-ammo-shortage-this-bad.php

Title: Louis CK "Truth Bombs"
Post by: bigdog on September 13, 2013, 09:38:03 AM

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/12/louis-ck-birthday-23-timeless-truth-bombs_n_3915401.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Title: My farts don't smell
Post by: Crafty_Dog on October 23, 2013, 09:03:42 AM

http://www.fastcoexist.com/3020388/these-high-tech-underwear-keep-your-farts-from-smelling#2

Title: Re: Humor/WTF - Washington Redskins
Post by: DougMacG on November 04, 2013, 10:15:23 AM

There was a mixup on the Redskins team name controversy. It turns out that native Americans were actually offending by the first name, 'Washington'(DC), not the 'Redskins'.

Title: Choose Wisely
Post by: Crafty_Dog on November 12, 2013, 10:01:32 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lncwRnV4Gsg&feature=youtu.be

Title: Humor, Are they married?
Post by: DougMacG on December 12, 2013, 08:34:32 AM

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

http://dailynewsdig.com/how-do-you-decide-who-to-marry-written-by-kids/

Title: What could go wrong? 2.0
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 09, 2014, 12:53:49 PM

http://www.thrillon.com/tag/looks-like-fun--5

Title: Off G Beck website
Post by: ccp on January 12, 2014, 09:55:20 AM

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2014/01/10/another-wild-price-is-right-clip-thats-sure-to-go-viral-and-it-involves-a-major-tumble-and-tackle/

Title: A good day
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 22, 2014, 05:39:43 PM

http://wncy.com/blogs/charlis-angles/119/this-may-be-the-best-commercialeverway-to-go-footlocker/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: bigdog on May 13, 2014, 05:29:08 AM

Pretty amusing:

http://deadstate.org/here-are-31-of-the-most-ironic-moments-ever-caught-on-camera/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: DougMacG on May 13, 2014, 07:22:37 AM

Quote from: bigdog on May 13, 2014, 05:29:08 AM

Pretty amusing:
http://deadstate.org/here-are-31-of-the-most-ironic-moments-ever-caught-on-camera/

Very funny!

Title: Mr. Balls
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 23, 2014, 08:24:10 AM

http://digitaldeconstruction.com/meet-balls-disturbing-testicular-cancer-mascot/#.U39nuIWwUpl

Title: Japanese exchnage student
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 12, 2015, 05:05:03 PM

New

First Day In School With Exchange Student

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good!
Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.’ Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?" Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.”
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper:”F_ _ k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Hodakio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Little Hodakio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!”
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're screwed!" Little Hodakio said quietly, “The American people, November 4, 2008."

Title: Econ Humor
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on August 07, 2015, 10:43:58 AM

Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

Title: Re: Econ Humor, Keynesian Humor
Post by: DougMacG on August 07, 2015, 02:06:38 PM

Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on August 07, 2015, 10:43:58 AM

Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

Hahahahaha! Good one, BBG! It might be funnier if it didn't perfectly describe the wisdom guiding current economic policy.

Title: Re: Econ Humor, Keynesian Humor
Post by: G M on August 07, 2015, 10:26:13 PM

Quote from: DougMacG on August 07, 2015, 02:06:38 PM

Quote from: Body-by-Guinness on August 07, 2015, 10:43:58 AM
Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

Hahahahaha! Good one, BBG! It might be funnier if it didn't perfectly describe the wisdom guiding current economic policy.

Exactly.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 10, 2015, 08:56:22 AM

I posted it on my FB page to general acclaim.

Title: Fake but True
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on September 01, 2015, 06:21:27 PM

An ex-spook's amusing "intercept" transcript concerning Hillary's server:

http://20committee.com/2015/09/01/what-russian-intelligence-knows-about-hillary-clinton/

Title: Plastic Fantastic Prostitutes?
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on September 15, 2015, 07:39:22 PM

Oh noes, robot sex workers may upset gender paradigms. Or something.

Cue Gracey Slick.

https://reason.com/blog/2015/09/15/campaign-against-sex-robots-launches

Title: Potty Pants for Equality
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on October 08, 2015, 08:23:40 PM

You know, I hope this isn't true, but I've run into enough knee jerk, crowd following feminists and progressives that I can't help but suspect many fell for this 4chan prank:

http://legalinsurrection.com/2015/10/feminists-fall-for-pissforequality-hoax/

Title: And the Award for the Best Filing Title Goes to . . .
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on November 17, 2015, 06:21:53 PM

JOAQUIN IRWIN FOY, Appellant
v.
THE SUPER-RICH MEMBERS OF THE ILLUMINATI, (Bilderberg Group); B.R. JETT, Hon. Warden, et al.;
POPE; OBAMA; BIDEN

http://www2.ca3.uscourts.gov/opinarch/152174np.pdf

Title: Will Rogers
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 20, 2016, 02:57:22 PM

NEVER SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON . . . by Will Rogers

Will Rogers died in a 1935 plane crash . He was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral : When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Title: How do you tattoo adrenaline on your arm?
Post by: ccp on April 05, 2016, 09:38:29 AM

https://www.google.com/search?q=adrenaline+chemical+structure&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi6qtrn9vfLAhWLNj4KHRERBvoQsAQIJQ&biw=1440&bih=805#tbm=isch&q=adrenaline+chemical+structure+tattoo&imgrc=jwJQftEG5fPqiM%3A

Title: 2 nd post
Post by: ccp on April 05, 2016, 10:17:09 AM

For those in need of a good nap may I suggest watching this video of the longest train in history , a BHP coal train in Australia :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNQBoxdl9d8

Title: Amy related to Chuck!
Post by: ccp on April 26, 2016, 05:26:59 AM

2 libs in a pod:

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/amy-schumer-says-she-regrets-writing-trainwreck-theater-190508415--abc-news-movies.html :-o

Title: Anna Nicole Smith's daughter in law
Post by: ccp on April 30, 2016, 10:13:22 AM

Geeze:

http://www.therichest.com/celebnetworth/celebrity-business/women/elaine-tettemer-marshall-net-worth/

Title: Bruce Jenner nudie shoot for Sports Illustrated
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 04, 2016, 08:42:28 PM

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/caitlyn-jenner-to-pose-naked-for-sports-illustrated-cover-w205187

:roll: :roll: :roll: :-P :-P :-P

Title: showing the whipper snappers how it's done
Post by: ccp on July 06, 2016, 05:51:27 PM

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/kenneth-leverich-old-man-video_us_577d14f5e4b04164641147fd?section=

:lol:

Title: Humor, Bad lip reading, Democratic National Convention edition
Post by: DougMacG on August 19, 2016, 09:13:34 PM

Maybe it makes more sense this way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DErurte4CE

Title: under reported demographic
Post by: ccp on November 01, 2016, 10:58:16 AM

Hillary wins over the zombie vote:
https://www.conservativereview.com/commentary/2016/10/new-report-suggests-massive-turnout-for-hillary-among-zombies

Title: But it's all ok. Deep down inside we're all Democrats!
Post by: ccp on November 11, 2016, 01:10:26 PM

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/hollywoods-battles-best-bar-mitzvah-5m-budgets-justin-bieber-camels-945171

Title: How sweet it is!
Post by: ccp on November 23, 2016, 09:01:25 PM

Someday on the 3rd generation of Pawn Stars someone will walk in with this signed autoraphed copy of this mag and ask to sell it for $50 bucks:

http://dailycaller.com/2016/11/14/heres-a-photo-of-hillary-signing-copies-of-newsweeks-madam-president-issue/

:-D

Title: The Balloonist
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 16, 2016, 10:01:39 AM

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on February 07, 2017, 07:47:10 AM

http://www.tmz.com/2017/02/07/george-lopez-show-kicks-out-fan/

I remember sometime more than 30 yrs ago I took a nurse on a first date to a comedy show that looked like it would be fun in the Philadelphia burbs.

We went in and got seats near the back . The comedian came on and started his routine. The subject matter was extraordinarily vile and what for those days was way over the top. He would humilate to the nth degree people in the first row or two. All I could think of was thank God we were near the back.

Finally I looked at her and asked would you like to leave and she replied yes. I explained how mortified I was and had no idea the show would be anything so degrading and disgusting. She understood and w were fine

BTW the comedian was Andrew Dice Clay. Before he made it big (for awhile).

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Andy55 on February 09, 2017, 01:32:33 AM

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: DougMacG on February 09, 2017, 06:51:42 AM

Must admit laughing and passing that joke along. Welcome Andy.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 09, 2017, 08:27:25 AM

:-D

Title: remembering the milkman
Post by: ccp on March 06, 2017, 07:56:17 AM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milkman_joke

Title: Chelsea
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 11, 2017, 07:55:05 PM

"Chelsea Clinton comes out against nepotism in politics."

GM

Title: The guy who Walter Yetnikoff
Post by: ccp on July 12, 2017, 03:30:52 PM

called a giant penis : (can't imagine what would make him think such a thing - he must mean circumsized)

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/12/iacs-barry-diller-on-trump.html

Title: Fired on his first day
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 05, 2017, 02:35:55 PM

https://pistol-forum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=18516&d=1501345480

Title: Waters Trump - a hot item
Post by: ccp on October 23, 2017, 04:51:40 AM

Maxine Waters offers to take Donald out for dinner and an evening on the town :

http://www.breitbart.com/video/2017/10/22/maxine-waters-i-will-go-and-take-trump-out-tonight/

Cantina D'Italia used to be a good Italian restaurant I would recommend if it still exists. Back room with table for intimacy.

Melania 'might' be pissed though

:-D

Title: Perhaps I should reconsider my stance on Scientology...
Post by: G M on August 08, 2018, 06:25:33 AM

(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R_5u5Qgg0Do/W2JH70FCZOI/AAAAAAAAMCo/2LdMHW5xRjoQRrGbnWyOxHZuPpKmaHQAQCLcBGAs/s1600/TomCruise.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 09, 2018, 06:48:56 PM

Good to see this thread getting some action again.

Title: Re: Perhaps I should reconsider my stance on Scientology...
Post by: G M on August 09, 2018, 07:00:06 PM

Quote from: G M on August 08, 2018, 06:25:33 AM

(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-R_5u5Qgg0Do/W2JH70FCZOI/AAAAAAAAMCo/2LdMHW5xRjoQRrGbnWyOxHZuPpKmaHQAQCLcBGAs/s1600/TomCruise.jpg)

(https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/386/683/cd1.jpg)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on August 10, 2018, 06:29:51 AM

Ok GM, maybe he looks younger then you but can he act nearly as well?

seriously he does look great.

botox? or more?

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 10, 2018, 09:09:01 AM

I get the humor of it all, but I am not assuming the accuracy of the dating of the photos or of the data proffered for that matter.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: G M on August 10, 2018, 10:38:24 AM

Quote from: Crafty_Dog on August 10, 2018, 09:09:01 AM

I get the humor of it all, but I am not assuming the accuracy of the dating of the photos or of the data proffered for that matter.

I did see Tom Cruise in person a few months ago. He has hardly aged. I was joking with my wife that he actually became a vampire.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on August 17, 2018, 03:17:33 PM

someone should post an add in the NYT recommendation Joe Biden for President

Then at bottom post "this add is approved by Vladimir Putin.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 17, 2018, 08:08:14 PM

"I was joking with my wife he actually became a vampire."

Well, close- he's a Scientologist.

Title: Who could have imagined?
Post by: G M on August 22, 2018, 11:40:15 PM

(https://i.imgflip.com/1ufdeg.jpg)

Title: Important information on Coyotes
Post by: G M on August 24, 2018, 01:45:27 PM

(http://ace.mu.nu/archives/coyote.jpg)

Title: holiday gift for
Post by: ccp on December 16, 2018, 10:56:11 AM

the beer drinker that has it all:
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/holidays/gift-ideas/g21073238/beer-gifts/?slide=6

Title: The Rabbi's Sermon
Post by: Crafty_Dog on May 23, 2019, 06:35:03 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdPTDS8QApE

Title: Sylvester Stallone vs Ernie Shavers
Post by: ccp on June 08, 2019, 08:15:54 AM

Shavers ended his own movie career with two shots to Stallone's liver:

http://www.factfiend.com/earnie-shavers-punch-king-boxing/

Title: which is funnier ?
Post by: ccp on August 22, 2019, 03:17:15 PM

https://minnlawyer.com/2019/06/26/muellers-testimony-sets-up-dramatic-showdown/

https://www.alamy.com/stock-photo-bud-abbott-lou-costello-abbott-costello-1956-31275296.html

Title: Revenge on Porch Pirates
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 17, 2019, 02:19:36 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=8&v=a_TSR_v07m0&feature=emb_logo

Title: epidemic of brain disease
Post by: ccp on February 06, 2020, 05:28:28 AM

https://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/political_commentary/commentary_by_charles_hurt/no_cure_in_sight_for_donald_trump_derangement_syndrome_sweeping_elite

Title: WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 22, 2020, 10:08:35 AM

https://nypost.com/2020/06/21/man-allegedly-caught-at-airport-with-fake-penis-filled-with-cocaine/?utm_campaign=SocialFlow&utm_source=NYPTwitter&utm_medium=SocialFlow

Title: I was thinking another Jesse Smollet hoax
Post by: ccp on June 23, 2020, 04:23:59 PM

but this is even more laughable:

https://www.breitbart.com/sports/2020/06/23/no-hate-crime-fbi-determines-noose-in-bubba-wallaces-garage-to-be-a-rope-handle/

I mean I certainly thought a rope in a stall certainly demanded the FBI get called in
didn't you ?
:roll:

from Bubba the great as quoted in NYT yesterday :

“Today’s despicable act of racism and hatred leaves me incredibly saddened and serves as a painful reminder of how much further we have to go as a society and how persistent we must be in the fight against racism,”

My response now 06/23/20 : works both ways, fool.

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 19, 2021, 08:21:23 PM

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.

The nurse asked the rabbit "What blood type are you?"

"I'm probably a Type O."

A man was walking through the Olympic village when he saw someone carrying a huge stick.
He asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The man replied, "No. I'm German. And how did you know my name was Walter?"

Title: Road Rage done with style
Post by: Crafty_Dog on June 02, 2021, 07:54:42 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEpbbwFTmL0&t=9s

Title: Stalin 2021
Post by: ccp on December 16, 2021, 06:05:02 AM

just add a couple of ear rings (on the right)
nose ring
lip piercing

and 20 tattoos of tears on his cheek (one for each million. people he murdered)

and I think we've got it:

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/106186503687229017/

just thought we can change name to "Josephina" Stalin

Title: Fun with Camels
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 31, 2021, 09:04:48 AM

https://michaelyon.locals.com/upost/1485551/fun-with-camels-happy-new-year

Title: Thank God for the flu
Post by: ccp on January 11, 2022, 03:48:14 PM

it is turning all the blue states red:
https://www.cdc.gov/flu/weekly/usmap.htm

Title: WV governor has message for Bette Mildler
Post by: ccp on January 28, 2022, 04:17:34 PM

https://www.conservativereview.com/west-virginia-governor-tells-hollywood-leftist-to-kiss-his-dog-s-hiney-2656503464.html

Title: what does America need most right now?
Post by: ccp on February 05, 2022, 07:05:50 AM

Jack assess ! that's what :-D

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-news/jackass-forever-reviews-1235087315/

Title: media durham
Post by: ccp on February 24, 2022, 04:33:49 PM

https://spectator.org/media-running-scared-from-durham-cartoon-patrick-cross-american-spectator/

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on February 25, 2022, 08:21:08 AM

joy's trip to italy ruined
due to Ukraine:

https://www.conservativereview.com/joy-behar-shredded-for-jaw-dropping-complaints-that-ukraine-invasion-might-interfere-with-her-swanky-european-vacation-plans-2656791380.html

Joy,

here you go . you can say you have been to italy and save a fortune and not deal with crowds:

https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=italy+images&fir=tGa28nDneYAK8M%252CJUUrSOKs9TcYlM%252C_%253BcCD4Zeu4SO4qEM%252CGobcLCX9rNdOgM%252C_%253Bpogn_-7i472NKM%252C5Zw3MHpWM_maAM%252C_%253BDwyUxdCOBIFOxM%252CJUUrSOKs9TcYlM%252C_%253Bam2Me4jA1iS58M%252CGobcLCX9rNdOgM%252C_%253B2QC4qAApBXtl-M%252CUte74IgYSkwqYM%252C_%253BjgVQc5tRPKp4jM%252C0bgisCnOadWyEM%252C_%253BS_XumYbnIDUCvM%252CdhQZLqGv5TMqpM%252C_%253BRqx6LQazGC4jHM%252CJUUrSOKs9TcYlM%252C_%253B-BbHVP6pDd7NNM%252CW02r9zXGebq9xM%252C_%253Bba5OH5qAKNSQ5M%252CJUUrSOKs9TcYlM%252C_%253BmRM13mLerdliyM%252CGobcLCX9rNdOgM%252C_%253B3OFfjFazM-3nMM%252C6J_gFq6XGP2_4M%252C_&usg=AI4_-kSi_26uyTJgySf3E4XsdSBuwYpP4g&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwit48mNoZv2AhWSTN8KHed5CL0QsAR6BAgCEAM&biw=1440&bih=789&dpr=2

Title: president of the Earth
Post by: ccp on March 19, 2022, 03:14:37 PM

Stace Abrams

from romance novels to movie star:

https://www.conservativereview.com/set-phasers-to-cringe-leftist-ga-gubernatorial-candidate-stacey-abrams-is-president-of-the-united-earth-on-star-trek-and-viewers-head-to-sick-bay-2656980052.html

Title: Re: president of the Earth
Post by: G M on March 19, 2022, 07:12:57 PM

Quote from: ccp on March 19, 2022, 03:14:37 PM

Stace Abrams

from romance novels to movie star:

https://www.conservativereview.com/set-phasers-to-cringe-leftist-ga-gubernatorial-candidate-stacey-abrams-is-president-of-the-united-earth-on-star-trek-and-viewers-head-to-sick-bay-2656980052.html

Obviously in the future, elections are decided by weight, not voting.

Title: AOC has crush on Elon
Post by: ccp on April 30, 2022, 07:37:28 AM

https://nypost.com/2022/04/30/elon-musk-tells-aoc-to-stop-hitting-on-me/

she fibs and says it is really on Zuck..... :wink:

he live in boyfriend slave should be very concerned. hahahhah

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 30, 2022, 08:11:44 PM

Saw this. Dang, Elon is quick! :-D :-D :-D

Title: for a laugh to start the day
Post by: ccp on June 16, 2022, 05:40:59 AM

remember this:

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/05/us/politics/biden-carters-photo.html

:-D

Title: little doggie ; large owner
Post by: ccp on June 23, 2022, 06:44:11 AM

" WINSTON THE FRENCH BULLDOG WINS THE NON-SPORTING GROUP | WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB
Check out the highlights as Winston the French Bulldog is selected as best in breed class for the Non-Sporting Group at Westminster Kennel Club. Winston's owner is Los Angeles Chargers defensive end Morgan Fox.

https://www.foxsports.com/watch/play-5bc43c87b000a15

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_Fox_(American_football)

Title: if they are not responsible about pregnancy ......
Post by: ccp on June 25, 2022, 08:03:42 AM

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2022/06/24/video-women-twerking-abortions-dallas-scotus-overrules-roe-v-wade/

:roll:

endless videos of very unattractive people .........

day and night into the sunset or the next alignment of our planets in our solar system

Title: doctor jokes
Post by: ccp on August 12, 2022, 03:43:54 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bg36PU96U0w

I contemplated posting this in my company email for some Friday evening laughs

but I decided to hold off as I might offend someone.....

CD
you have any lawyer jokes?

:)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on August 13, 2022, 08:15:01 AM

Guy calls up a lawyer:

"I have two questions for you but only $500. Can you help me out anyway?"

"Sure! What is the other question?"

===================

Married a long time and sex life dull, the man suggests trying anal sex to his wife to spice things up.

"No way!"

"Why not?"

"You wouldn't want to have a lawyer would you?"

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on August 13, 2022, 09:01:37 AM

:-D

Title: reminds me of NJ
Post by: ccp on September 06, 2022, 11:01:17 AM

https://nypost.com/2022/09/06/burning-man-ends-with-8-hour-traffic-jam-huge-fight/

you go somewhere to have fun but so do thousands of other people already there

like driving to the Jersey shore...............

Title: Zuck MMA
Post by: ccp on September 23, 2022, 07:07:19 AM

https://nypost.com/2022/09/23/mark-zuckerberg-takes-up-mma-training-this-nerd-is-a-silent-killer/

he is not bad
but I bet the guy he is grappling with is paid to let him look good .

I bet CD can take him. :)

Maybe even Tulsi Gabbard .....

I would have loved to show Zuck my backfist when I did karate 40 yrs ago......

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on September 29, 2022, 04:37:49 PM

:-)

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on December 23, 2022, 08:55:41 PM

https://twitter.com/MarkWoodleyTV/status/1605961457337712640?s=20&t=QSKyPL7ZAKDF_JuaNA2fbg

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on December 24, 2022, 06:19:29 AM

he works at this TV station:

KWWL is a television station licensed to Waterloo, Iowa, United States, serving as the NBC affiliate for Eastern Iowa. Owned by Allen Media Broadcasting, KWWL maintains studios on East 5th Street in Waterloo, with news bureaus and advertising sales offices in Cedar Rapids, Dubuque and Iowa City.

***NBC*** affiliate

------>>>>.Mark Woodley must be a Republican. :-P

Title: Dark humor
Post by: ccp on January 04, 2023, 07:07:22 AM

new advertisement proposal

why you can even drive a Tesla off a 250 ft. cliff with your family and everyone will survive:

https://nypost.com/2023/01/04/dharmesh-patel-accused-of-intentionally-driving-tesla-off-ca-cliff/

“We go there all the time for cars over the cliff and they never live. This was an absolute miracle,” fire chief Brian Pottenger said."

amazing

Title: new moonlighting job for Mike Lindell
Post by: ccp on February 03, 2023, 02:42:25 PM

https://www.westernjournal.com/jimmy-kimmel-attempted-humiliate-mike-lindell-putting-arcade-machine-didnt-quite-work/

:-D

Title: from the Bong' report
Post by: ccp on June 28, 2023, 06:09:35 AM

Ana Navarro tells us take it or leave it:

https://rumble.com/v2whhi8-ana-navarro-weights-in-on-hunter-biden-scandal-with-dumbest-take-conceivabl.html?mref=22lbp&mc=56yab

:-D

The exact opposite of what she would say if this was Donald J T Jr.....

Title: couple of "Karens" get into airport terminal fight
Post by: ccp on July 04, 2023, 02:49:57 PM

https://www.yahoo.com/news/stop-stop-watch-massive-brawl-203449167.html

Title: political cartoons
Post by: ccp on August 27, 2023, 09:30:28 AM

https://townhall.com/political-cartoons/henrypayne/2023/08/21/200114

Title: The Spoon
Post by: Crafty_Dog on January 28, 2024, 05:13:52 AM

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on January 28, 2024, 08:44:11 AM

what do the waiters do when they have a #2?

Title: Mrs Mahomes
Post by: ccp on February 09, 2024, 07:30:14 AM

blows Taylor Swift away:

https://nypost.com/2024/02/09/sports/brittany-mahomes-sizzles-in-red-for-si-swim-rookie-photos/

Past showing her made up face no one would want a poster of her in bathing suit.....

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on February 09, 2024, 05:25:37 PM

DANG!!!

Title: Re: Mrs Mahomes
Post by: DougMacG on February 10, 2024, 06:12:33 AM

Speaking of Taylor

https://www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2024/02/Screenshot-2024-02-06-at-7.18.34%E2%80%AFPM.png

Title: Re: Mrs Mahomes
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on February 10, 2024, 07:03:04 AM

Game, set, match to DougMacG.

I was biting my tongue some regarding the posts above Doug's as my criteria back in my dating days were:

• Can she carry on an intelligent conversation?
• Can she deal with my neurodiversity?
• How well does she do when I take her camping?

That last point ended several relationships. I remember waking up in the tent early one morning to a "pat pat pat" noise. Opened my eyes and found myself staring at the crack of this lass's ass as she leaned out the tent with a small mirror in hand to, "pat pat pat," apply makeup. As soon as she noted I was awake she asked when we could head into town (over ten miles away) to get coffee....

Another young lady failed when she kept getting between me and the campfire I would occasionally tend to. Took me a while to figure it out: she was jealous of the attention I pointed towards the fire, rather than at her. Another one out the airlock....

Quote from: DougMacG on February 10, 2024, 06:12:33 AM

Speaking of Taylor

https://www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2024/02/Screenshot-2024-02-06-at-7.18.34%E2%80%AFPM.png

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on February 10, 2024, 07:20:30 AM

most of her songs are about her choosing the wrong guy.

sadly that fits myself and wife
she was into music wanted us to move to Nashville
I was not and
would not move to Nashville........

funny how it fits our lives.....

she seems to be holding back outright choosing Biden for now.
We know she will vote Dem ! I suspect she lies cheats and steals like them ...

Title: What an adorable Valentines day story
Post by: ccp on February 14, 2024, 06:16:33 PM

Libs at first sight!:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/msnbc-contributor-longtime-clinton-aide-huma-abedin-dating-george-soros-son/ar-BB1iirof?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=DCTS&cvid=09241392c08c49ceb01eebff9a6546c2&ei=40

Title: Not Taking Crazy Claims Seriously Doesn’t Constitute a 1st Amendment Violation
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 07, 2024, 04:20:55 PM

Or something. Got yer daily dose of WTF right here. I’m on tenterhooks imagining what shape the inevitable appeal will take:

No Constitutional Violation in Mental Health Investigation Following Professor's Claim to Police About "Electronic Device(s)" Found in Her "Private Parts"

The Volokh Conspiracy / by Eugene Volokh / Mar 7, 2024 at 12:22 PM

[Part of the facts in an interesting recent case, dealing with plaintiff's claims that the police retaliated against her for exercising her First Amendment rights to report crime.]

From Judge William Alsup's Tentative Order filed Tuesday in Doe v. City of Hayward (N.D. Cal.) (I also plan on posting in the next few days about the pseudonymity issue in the case):

Plaintiff, a [self-represented] professor in the Bay Area, describes herself as "a victim of serial crime." Between July 2010 and June 2016, plaintiff submitted seven criminal complaints, while members of her household submitted five more. Although specific dates and details are not reported in the pleadings, those complaints concerned, among other crimes: "heavy metal poisoning; a dog attack; tampering with [redacted] car; attempted carjacking/robbery; [and] attempted kidnapping of [redacted] son." Many, if not all, of these criminal complaints were submitted to the Hayward Police Department .

Plaintiff has appended two reports to her opposition. The first, from Bardwell Consulting, concludes that "[plaintiff] and her household has [sic] been subjected to a level of crime that cannot be explained by chance." The second, attributed to Phyllis Gerstenfeld, concludes that "[plaintiff] was targeted due to her gender," and that the "the technology [used by the perpetrators] implies a sophistication more often seen in organized political schemes than in personal vendettas." Gerstenfeld concludes that "[plaintiff] has been the victim of hate crimes" and that "domestic terrorism charges could be successfully levied against the person who victimized [plaintiff] and her family." A third report, referenced but not on record, is attributed to a Dr. Liu and is said to analyze the origins of the technology used by those victimizing plaintiff.

At issue here is plaintiff's most recent criminal complaint to HPD. On May 27, 2022, plaintiff traveled to a HPD station to file a police report regarding an alleged sexual assault, battery, and hate crime. Plaintiff reported that "a foreign object had been removed from her intimate parts; that she had not consented to this penetration; that her husband was a witness to its location and removal; that an engineering lab had identified the foreign object as an electronic device/semiconductor; that a PhD in electrical engineering … Dr. Liu had identified the lab that designed and manufactured this device."

Plaintiff now claims that police defendants harassed her while she gave her report on May 27, and subsequently retaliated against her for making that report. These allegations fall into three categories: actions taken on May 27, inaccuracies in the resulting report, and subsequent inaction despite plaintiff's repeated follow-up requests.

First, on May 27, plaintiff had to wait an hour and a half at the police station before her statement was taken. Defendants then "caused [plaintiff] to feel surrounded with 3 white males [Officers Daniel Morgan and Alex Iwanicki and social worker Tim Henry] approaching her in what Plaintiff viewed as some sort of formation as she sat in her car" The officers took plaintiff's statement in the parking lot, interviewed her husband, who was nearby, and reviewed the reports provided by plaintiff. Plaintiff then spoke with social worker Henry, who provided her with a pamphlet outlining available mental health services. Plaintiff alleges that these acts were intended to harass her.

Second, plaintiff alleges that the resulting police disposition report contained several inaccuracies and falsehoods. For example, the report stated that "[a]ll the reports [plaintiff] downloaded from the Internet could not tell me the simple fact of how these tiny (half-inch resistors) appeared in her vagina. These reports were not useful or relevant." Plaintiff, however, states that these reports evaluated evidence specific to her case and to "her status as a victim of crime."

The report stated that Officer Morgan "found no new evidence of a crime" after speaking to plaintiff's husband; plaintiff, however, asserts that her husband provided new evidence of the crime at hand. The report stated that plaintiff "offered no rational explanation (i.e., recent surgeries, a sexual assault, or suspects) for possible causes," and was only interested in "researching the company who manufactured the electronics to support her conspiracy theory." Plaintiff states that she is in fact in a "systematic investigation … NOT only … in researching the company who manufactured the electronics," and that she never mentioned any "conspiracy theory."

Finally, the report allegedly stated that "the Alameda County Mental Health Clinician listened to [plaintiff] and later made his assessment as delusional behavior, similar to Schizophrenia." Plaintiff alleges that this characterization of her mental health is false, and that Alameda County Behavior Services later stated that its clinician (presumably social worker Henry) "never made a negative assessment" about her mental health.

Third, plaintiff alleges that defendants retaliated against her after she submitted her report. Plaintiff sent emails to various defendants on May 27, June 1, June 4, November 27, and December 26 of 2022, as well as January 3 and February 14 of 2023. In these emails, plaintiff asked defendants to make various changes to the May 27 report and to attach her own "expert reports" to that report. Defendants took no action. Plaintiff's November 27 communication included a complaint to HPD internal affairs, which was forwarded to the City Attorney's Office….

Plaintiff sued, and the court tentatively ruled that the lawsuit should be dismissed:

[T]he filing of criminal complaints falls within the First Amendment's right to petition. Plaintiff was allowed to exercise that right on May 27. Defendants interviewed plaintiff and her husband, reviewed her proffered expert reports, and issued a disposition report. That is all the right to petition promises. Plaintiff does not have a right to any particular investigation or prosecution.

Plaintiff's later petitions were also heard. Plaintiff's complaint dated November 27, 2022, to HPD internal affairs was promptly forwarded to the City Attorney's Office, which investigated and determined it to be unfounded. Plaintiff's complaint to Alameda County Behavioral Health Care Services was also investigated: plaintiff was interviewed by Chief Compliance Officer Dr. Ravi Mehta, who reviewed plaintiff's claims with a crisis team and reached the conclusion that his staff followed proper procedures and did not engage in wrongdoing. If the follow-up by defendants was inadequate, plaintiff's remedy is at the ballot box, not in federal court on this theory.

Plaintiff's right to petition includes the right to do so without retaliation:

"The First Amendment forbids government officials from retaliating against individuals for speaking out. To recover under § 1983 for such retaliation, a plaintiff must prove: (1) he engaged in constitutionally protected activity; (2) as a result, he was subjected to adverse action by the defendant that would chill a person of ordinary firmness from continuing to engage in the protected activity; and (3) there was a substantial causal relationship between the constitutionally protected activity and the adverse action."

As noted above, defendants' actions on May 27 and after were entirely unremarkable and fail the second prong above.

However, plaintiff's allegation that defendants' disposition report made false statements attacking plaintiff's mental health and credibility in order to dissuade further complaints merits discussion. First Amendment retaliation claims generally concern "exercises of governmental power that are regulatory, proscriptive, or compulsory in nature and have the effect of punishing someone for his or her speech." Here, plaintiff instead alleges that defendants chilled her right to petition through speech of their own (i.e., the statements within the disposition report).

The bar for retaliation claims grounded in government speech is a high one. As our court of appeals explained in Mulligan:

Retaliation claims involving government speech warrant a cautious approach by courts. Restricting the ability of government decisionmakers to engage in speech risks interfering with their ability to effectively perform their duties. It also ignores the competing First Amendment rights of the officials themselves. The First Amendment is intended to preserve an uninhibited marketplace of ideas in which truth will ultimately prevail. That marketplace of ideas is undermined if public officials are prevented from responding to speech of citizens with speech of their own. In accordance with these principles, we have set a high bar when analyzing whether speech by government officials is sufficiently adverse to give rise to a First Amendment retaliation claim.

It is beyond cavil "that damage to reputation is not actionable under § 1983 unless it is accompanied by some more tangible interests." … Here, plaintiff … alleges that defendants, through the disposition report, made defamatory remarks regarding her mental health in retaliation for her filing of a complaint. There is little doubt that plaintiff's allegations, taken as true, would reflect poorly on defendants and constitute unprofessional and regrettable behavior on the part of public officials. Nevertheless, in light of the high threshold imposed on retaliation claims based on government speech, plaintiff's allegations do not give rise to a federal claim. Plaintiff does not allege that any statements or actions by any defendant intimated that any form of punishment, sanction, or adverse action would imminently follow. Nor does she suggest that defendants' speech had any negative impact on her "rights, benefits, relationship, or status with the state."

Plaintiff does allege that "[w]ithout provocation, Defendants called in a crisis or mental health worker, thereby threatening Plaintiff with a 5150, prior to speaking with her in order to take her report." "5150" refers to California Welfare and Institutions Code Section 5150, which allows for the involuntary detention of individuals deemed a danger due to mental health disorders. The use of involuntary detention as a threat would bolster plaintiff's claim.

However, plaintiff's complaint does not allege facts supporting her conclusion that the involvement of a mental health worker intimated that punishment, sanction, or adverse action would imminently follow. Given the nature of her grievance, a police department would act reasonably in calling in an impartial health expert to assist. Both sides agree that a social worker was among the group that interviewed plaintiff, and that he handed her a pamphlet outlining available mental health services. The decision to involve a social worker or similarly trained official in an interaction with an individual whom police suspect (rightly or wrongly) to be experiencing a mental health issue is, standing alone, an entirely appropriate exercise of police discretion.

The complaint also states that "[d]efendants [Morgan and Iwanicki] and Social Worker Tim Henry approached Plaintiff while she was seated in her car, making Plaintiff feel surrounded and intimidating Plaintiff." The act of approaching plaintiff was a reasonable and unavoidable prerequisite to taking her criminal complaint, which she had come to the station to lodge. Nor does the fact that plaintiff perceived the three to be "white males" suggest the presence of intimidation or threats of sanction. No threatening or adverse act or statement is alleged beyond the above, which falls well short of the high bar in our circuit.

Plaintiff has voiced her view that HPD officers have long been apathetic to her complaints, that they have denied her redress against bad actors, and that they have, in the most recent instance, retaliated against her in order to dissuade further complaints. Nevertheless, the appropriate remedy does not lie in the federal courts…. "[F]or any defamation and damage flowing from it, [plaintiff] has a tort remedy under state law, not under the First Amendment." …

Sadly, the Court received little assistance from counsel concerning the relevant caselaw, and much of the above work was done by the Judge and his staff. Therefore, this is a tentative order, and both sides will have until March 19 at Noon to file a critique of this order and show cause why it should not be entered. If the Court feels further responsive briefing would be useful, it will so advise….

The post No Constitutional Violation in Mental Health Investigation Following Professor's Claim to Police About "Electronic Device" Found in Her "Private Parts" appeared first on Reason.com.

[url]https://reason.com/volokh/2024/03/07/no-constitutional-violation-in-mental-health-investigation-following-professors-claim-to-police-about-electronic-devices-found-in-her-private-parts

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 08, 2024, 03:37:47 AM

Given my penchant for not always easy to find through the Search function Subject lines, :-D I mention the existence of this thread as well:

https://firehydrantoffreedom.com/index.php?topic=2553.msg88486#msg88486

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on March 16, 2024, 05:44:59 AM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mug_shot_of_Donald_Trump#/media/File:Donald_Trump_mug_shot.jpg

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/pets/the-largest-gorilla-ever-recorded/ar-AA1jcQVT?ocid=msedgntp&pc=DCTS&cvid=851a682c09bc48d2bfe8406f2fccfd0f&ei=8#fullscreen

go ahead, knock that battery off my shoulder!

Title: Re: Humor/WTF
Post by: ccp on March 16, 2024, 09:20:43 AM

I meant to compare this image with DJT:
https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images?p=gorilla+image&fr=mcafee&type=E210US1494G0&imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fimages5.alphacoders.com%2F360%2Fthumb-1920-360824.jpg#id=2&iurl=https%3A%2F%2Fimages5.alphacoders.com%2F360%2Fthumb-1920-360824.jpg&action=click

Title: Gotta Kerry the Green Fight Forward
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 16, 2024, 09:03:18 PM

Our righteous former SOS approves of this unique form of carbon remediation:

https://babylonbee.com/news/john-kerry-praises-haiti-cannibals-for-efforts-to-reduce-carbon-footprint

Title: Well, that was incorrect!
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 18, 2024, 01:38:49 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqbI-gTwqyA

Title: Philotheoparoptesism & Other Unlikely Terms
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on March 23, 2024, 11:27:12 AM

A compendium of polysyllables a jurist is fond of using:

https://www.law.com/nationallawjournal/almID/1201169140964/

Title: One liners
Post by: Crafty_Dog on March 29, 2024, 05:54:36 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEACJV9n3QI

Title: Global Warming Impacts Eclipses!!!
Post by: Body-by-Guinness on April 01, 2024, 04:34:42 PM

Best 4/1 prank I’ve seen today:

https://wattsupwiththat.com/2024/04/01/new-research-finds-that-solar-eclipses-are-harder-to-see-due-to-global-warming/

Title: Bill Burr
Post by: Crafty_Dog on April 20, 2024, 02:56:10 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjLaJ5xYvhU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0euo8bCnOc