Author Topic: Humor/WTF  (Read 254263 times)

Crafty_Dog

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Russian ad
« Reply #300 on: June 19, 2013, 05:19:28 PM »

ccp

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Only on MSLSD
« Reply #301 on: June 20, 2013, 09:06:47 PM »
Conversation between Chris Matthews,  Eugene Robinson, and Howard Fineman.   I laughed my head off reading this so therefore I felt it belonged in this thread:

*****MSNBC: Obama and Merkel Are the New 'Ronnie and Maggie'; Matthews Sees Conspiracy to Push Hillary 2016

Published: 6/19/2013 6:22 PM ET

to Scott Whitlock

By Scott Whitlock

MSNBC's Chris Matthews and his liberal guest on Wednesday thrilled over the relationship between Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Washington Post writer Eugene Robinson even compared them to Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher: "I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie...They can be kind of a dynamic duo." (Of course, Reagan and Thatcher oversaw huge economic recoveries and the end of the Cold War.) [MP3 audio here.]

Highlighting Obama's speech in Germany, Matthews saw a secret plan to promote Hillary Clinton. After mentioning Thatcher, plus other famous female leaders, he wondered "whether this partnership between our president...isn't that a leading indicator?" Matthews theorized, "I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in."

One detail Matthews and Robinson did not harp on: In 2008, Obama's Berlin speech drew 400,000. In 2013, the President managed a mere 4,500.

A partial transcript of the June 19 segment follows:

5:03

[On the relationship between Barack Obama and Angela Merkel.]

EUGENE ROBINSON: He has gotten along very well with Merkel. There is a relationship there.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: What is that relationship?

ROBINSON: You know, I wondered about that. I wondered if it isn't what he started with. We don't look like the normal-

HOWARD FINEMAN: Outsiders.

ROBINSON: – They're kind of outsiders. She's from the east. He's She's– He's African-American.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that being from the east is also like a minority.

ROBINSON: Exactly. Exactly. They're both outsiders who are now leading these societies. I think in a way, you know, Barack and Angela are the new Ronnie and Maggie. I mean, they're kind of– They can be kind of a dynamic duo.

FINEMAN: I feel a column coming on. I feel a column coming on.

MATTHEWS: In other words, the way we used to do it, Reagan would be nice to the queen and to Thatcher and then George senior-- Bush would become friends with Helmut Kohl, sort of the establishment, old boys club. And yet, here he's saying this is not an old boys club. This is something of the outsiders who are now on the inside who should rally the outsiders of the world. He's saying to Germany, "look out for the poor people of the world. Don't just be Germany."

FINEMAN: He's basically saying, look, as I say, the Germans and I've spent a lot of time there. They're very conflicted at best about their own history. They've seen the downside of empire, as well as the glory of it. and the pain and the horror of it. They don't want this necessarily. The German people don't want it. But what the president is saying is, it's okay. Look to your good history.

...
5:09

MATTHEWS: Most of the world leaders in our lifetime– in the last ten million years– have been men. Sometimes we've seen really good women leaders come to fore. Certainly, Golda Meir was fabulous. Right? Certainly, Margaret Thatcher for the British mind, especially, was great, not necessarily for the coal miners but great for the country and its spirit. Certainly Indira Gandhi was a great leader. I'm thinking now whether Angela Merkel is on this level and whether this partnership between our president and her so vividly displayed with the hand over the back, sort of a pal kind of thing going on, isn't that a leading indicator, I think avatar may be appropriate here, of a Hillary Clinton leadership role? I think it says to Americans watching television, yes, this makes sense. It makes sense to him for Hillary to be the next person standing in that role he's in.

ROBINSON: That's an interesting way of looking an the it. Gee, maybe if Hillary runs, maybe he'll support her.

MATTHEWS: That's what I'm getting to. Don't you know what I'm getting to? You think Joe Biden likes that picture?

Crafty_Dog

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Share the pain!
« Reply #302 on: June 24, 2013, 01:42:42 PM »
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

DougMacG

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Best math-science pranks
« Reply #303 on: June 30, 2013, 09:11:19 PM »
Let ρ=A. Is it possible to extend isomorphisms? We show that D′ is stochastically orthogonal and trivially affine. In [10], the main result was the construction of 𝔭-Cardano, compactly Erdős, Weyl functions. This could shed important light on a conjecture of Conway-d’Alembert.

 - 'The Best Science Pranks Ever Pulled', the one above is a Randomly-Generated Math Paper Accepted by a Math Journal
http://thatsmathematics.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/mathgen-1389529747.pdf
http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/random_math_paper_accepted_to_journal.html?state=stop

More links at the links.

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/homemade_nuclear_reactor.html?state=stop

http://www.realclearscience.com/lists/best_science_pranks/dihydrogen_monoxide.html?state=stop
Regular readers are well aware that dihydrogen monoxide -- H2O -- is water. But apparently many residents of Lee County, Florida are not. Just this past April Fools' day, two Florida deejays warned their listeners that dihydrogen monoxide was leaking from faucets across the state. Panic ensued, and the water utility was flooded with calls from concerned citizens, so many, in fact, that they were forced to issue a public statement.


ccp

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take a guess gay pride parade or UFC?
« Reply #304 on: July 19, 2013, 06:56:31 AM »

Crafty_Dog

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DougMacG

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How Bad is the Ammo Shortage?
« Reply #306 on: August 06, 2013, 10:32:35 AM »
Ammo is getting scarce! But this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.



She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”



I thought for a few seconds and asked,

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2013/08/how-bad-is-the-ammo-shortage-this-bad.php


Crafty_Dog

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DougMacG

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Re: Humor/WTF - Washington Redskins
« Reply #309 on: November 04, 2013, 10:15:23 AM »
There was a mixup on the Redskins team name controversy.  It turns out that native Americans were actually offending by the first name, 'Washington'(DC), not the 'Redskins'.

Crafty_Dog

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Choose Wisely
« Reply #310 on: November 12, 2013, 10:01:32 AM »

DougMacG

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Humor, Are they married?
« Reply #311 on: December 12, 2013, 08:34:32 AM »
    How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.  - Derrick, age 8

http://dailynewsdig.com/how-do-you-decide-who-to-marry-written-by-kids/

Crafty_Dog

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What could go wrong? 2.0
« Reply #312 on: January 09, 2014, 12:53:49 PM »


Crafty_Dog

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bigdog

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #315 on: May 13, 2014, 05:29:08 AM »

DougMacG

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Crafty_Dog

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Crafty_Dog

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Japanese exchnage student
« Reply #318 on: June 12, 2015, 05:05:03 PM »

New

    First Day In School With Exchange Student

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
    "Very good!
    Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.’ Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?" Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.”
    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.”
    She heard a loud whisper:”F_ _ k the Japs."
    "Who said that? I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
    Little Hodakio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.”
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
    The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?”
    Again, Little Hodakio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!”
    Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.”
    The teacher fainted.
    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're screwed!" Little Hodakio said quietly, “The American people, November 4, 2008."


Body-by-Guinness

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Econ Humor
« Reply #319 on: August 07, 2015, 10:43:58 AM »
Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

DougMacG

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Re: Econ Humor, Keynesian Humor
« Reply #320 on: August 07, 2015, 02:06:38 PM »
Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

Hahahahaha!  Good one, BBG!  It might be funnier if it didn't perfectly describe the wisdom guiding current economic policy.

G M

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Re: Econ Humor, Keynesian Humor
« Reply #321 on: August 07, 2015, 10:26:13 PM »
Krugman and Bernanke are walking down the street and see a pile of dog shit. Bernanke says “I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars to eat that pile of shit.” Krugman does it, gets paid, and they keep walking. After a while they see another pile of shit on the road. Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Krugman says “Tell you what, I’ll give YOU twenty grand to eat that pile of shit.” Bernanke does it, Krugman gives him back the money, and they keep walking. After a while Bernanke says “I’m feeling pretty sick. We both ate shit and neither of us is any richer.” Krugman answers “You’re missing the bigger picture. We’ve increased GDP by forty thousand dollars and created two jobs.”

Hahahahaha!  Good one, BBG!  It might be funnier if it didn't perfectly describe the wisdom guiding current economic policy.

Exactly.

Crafty_Dog

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #322 on: August 10, 2015, 08:56:22 AM »
I posted it on my FB page to general acclaim.

Body-by-Guinness

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Fake but True
« Reply #323 on: September 01, 2015, 06:21:27 PM »
An ex-spook's amusing "intercept" transcript concerning Hillary's server:

http://20committee.com/2015/09/01/what-russian-intelligence-knows-about-hillary-clinton/

Body-by-Guinness

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Plastic Fantastic Prostitutes?
« Reply #324 on: September 15, 2015, 07:39:22 PM »
Oh noes, robot sex workers may upset gender paradigms. Or something.

Cue Gracey Slick.

https://reason.com/blog/2015/09/15/campaign-against-sex-robots-launches

Body-by-Guinness

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Potty Pants for Equality
« Reply #325 on: October 08, 2015, 08:23:40 PM »
You know, I hope this isn't true, but I've run into enough knee jerk, crowd following feminists and progressives that I can't help but suspect many fell for this 4chan prank:

http://legalinsurrection.com/2015/10/feminists-fall-for-pissforequality-hoax/

Body-by-Guinness

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And the Award for the Best Filing Title Goes to . . .
« Reply #326 on: November 17, 2015, 06:21:53 PM »
JOAQUIN IRWIN FOY, Appellant
v.
THE SUPER-RICH MEMBERS OF THE ILLUMINATI, (Bilderberg Group); B.R. JETT, Hon. Warden, et al.;
POPE; OBAMA; BIDEN

http://www2.ca3.uscourts.gov/opinarch/152174np.pdf

Crafty_Dog

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Will Rogers
« Reply #327 on: March 20, 2016, 02:57:22 PM »
NEVER SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON . . . by Will Rogers


Will Rogers died in a 1935 plane crash . He was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:



1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral : When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER…

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.


ccp

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2 nd post
« Reply #329 on: April 05, 2016, 10:17:09 AM »
For those in need of a good nap may I suggest watching this video of the longest train in history , a BHP coal train in Australia :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNQBoxdl9d8

ccp

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DougMacG

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Humor, Bad lip reading, Democratic National Convention edition
« Reply #334 on: August 19, 2016, 09:13:34 PM »
Maybe it makes more sense this way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DErurte4CE

ccp

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« Last Edit: November 01, 2016, 11:21:55 AM by ccp »


ccp

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How sweet it is!
« Reply #337 on: November 23, 2016, 09:01:25 PM »
Someday on the 3rd generation of Pawn Stars someone will walk in with this signed autoraphed copy of this mag and ask to sell it for $50 bucks:

http://dailycaller.com/2016/11/14/heres-a-photo-of-hillary-signing-copies-of-newsweeks-madam-president-issue/

 :-D

Crafty_Dog

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The Balloonist
« Reply #338 on: December 16, 2016, 10:01:39 AM »
A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

ccp

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #339 on: February 07, 2017, 07:47:10 AM »
http://www.tmz.com/2017/02/07/george-lopez-show-kicks-out-fan/

I remember sometime more than 30 yrs ago I took a nurse on a first date to a comedy show that looked like it would be fun in the Philadelphia burbs.

We went in and got seats near the back .   The comedian came on and started his routine.  The subject matter was extraordinarily vile and what for those days was way over the top.   He would humilate to the nth degree people in the first row or two.  All I could think of was thank God we were near the back.

Finally I looked at her and asked would you like to leave and she replied yes.  I explained how mortified I was and had no idea the show would be anything so degrading and disgusting.  She understood and w were fine

BTW the comedian was Andrew Dice Clay.  Before he made it big (for awhile).

Andy55

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #340 on: February 09, 2017, 01:32:33 AM »
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

DougMacG

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #341 on: February 09, 2017, 06:51:42 AM »
Must admit laughing and passing that joke along. Welcome Andy.

Crafty_Dog

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #342 on: February 09, 2017, 08:27:25 AM »
 :-D

ccp

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remembering the milkman
« Reply #343 on: March 06, 2017, 07:56:17 AM »

Crafty_Dog

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Chelsea
« Reply #344 on: March 11, 2017, 07:55:05 PM »
"Chelsea Clinton comes out against nepotism in politics."

GM

ccp

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The guy who Walter Yetnikoff
« Reply #345 on: July 12, 2017, 03:30:52 PM »
called a giant penis :   (can't imagine what would make him think such a thing - he must mean circumsized)

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/07/12/iacs-barry-diller-on-trump.html

Crafty_Dog

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ccp

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Waters Trump - a hot item
« Reply #347 on: October 23, 2017, 04:51:40 AM »
Maxine Waters offers to take Donald out for dinner and an evening on the town :

http://www.breitbart.com/video/2017/10/22/maxine-waters-i-will-go-and-take-trump-out-tonight/

Cantina D'Italia used to be a good Italian restaurant I would recommend if it still exists.  Back room with table for intimacy.

Melania 'might' be pissed  though

 :-D

G M

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Perhaps I should reconsider my stance on Scientology...
« Reply #348 on: August 08, 2018, 06:25:33 AM »

Crafty_Dog

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Re: Humor/WTF
« Reply #349 on: August 09, 2018, 06:48:56 PM »
Good to see this thread getting some action again.